Law Humor

#Madoff On #Social Media Banking:

Posted on March 01, 2011
That's right, if f*cking Eliot Spritzer or Sphincter, or whatever his name is, can  re-create himself and become a pundit about all things he knows nothing about, given the thousands of readers that come here every day, and the fact that I'm obviously becoming a media darling, it makes perfect sense for me to accept Mike Bloomberg's offer to write for his new Bloomberg View column...

#Madoff Revealed by NY Magazine

Posted on February 28, 2011
Thanks to NY Mag's Steve Fishman for getting my story out and humanizing me and getting the record straight. [Note to Little Erin--I'd have given you the exclusive on the phone interview, but those idiots at Barrons don't get it, and on top of that, your agent sucks! Your book was a road map, but your agent and your publisher couldn't promote their way out of a paper bag for you! Oy!] Sure...

#Madoff On #Moamer's #Academy Award

Posted on February 27, 2011
To: Mo Mo From: Madoff You know and I know that it was Sonja that pitched you on investing with me. She thought it would somehow help Israel by stealing some of your loot. I thought it would at least help the Mets pay their bills. But, when you wanted to put $5 billion in, I told you to f*ck yourself...

#SEC Maligned Again By #Madoff?

Posted on February 23, 2011
From: M. Shapiro To: J. Dimon cc: L. Blankfein re: Becker/Madoff Gentlemen: Please know that I'm one tweet ahead of the latest news bytes re: our former SEC General Counsel, David Becker. While your efforts to privatize the SEC are being worked through back channels, the revelation that Mr...

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#Madoff Maligned?!

Posted on February 22, 2011
From Bernie: To: All of you muckrakers and talking heads that are busy questioning my credibility re: Dame Diana Henriques story 1. "Can't believe what Bernie says"?! I might not be able to vote, but questioning Midas Madoff i.e. suggesting that more than a few people "had to know" what I was up to is hardly something that can't be believed...

#Madoff Makes Out With NY Times Reporter

Posted on February 16, 2011
To Bernie: From: Ben Bernie, Baby!.. Good work with that gal from the Times. I'm on the phone with Harvey now. He says he'll up the upfront portion if you'll throw in all rights to your blog, and that iPad app that Shana's friends are making. Get back to me! Bernie: Enough with the front page attention...

#BernieMadoff's Blind Eyes Meet Bloomberg

Posted on February 16, 2011
Unless you're blind, or have a blind eye, I'm guessing that I've got your attention now?  Actually, no doubt my time with Diana Henriques is what inspired you to come back for more. If half of you dimwits (you know who you are) had paid any attention to my erotic pal Erin Arvedlund for the past two years, Diana wouldn't have gotten the scoop, which is actually softer than a melted Baskin & Robbins cone (not to be confused with Sonny or Marcia Cohn!)...

#Madoff Psyched by #Sir Allen Stanford

Posted on February 15, 2011
To: Bernie From: Sir Allen Stanford Not sure if you'd heard the news, but I've made arrangements to move to Butt Hole.. Even though I managed to play the Section 8 card, don't think for a second that I've forgotten that it was your smart-ass son's blogging on your f**king site that triggered my down fall...

#Madoff Unit Trading Egypt Derivatives at JP Morgan

Posted on February 11, 2011
From: Bernie To: Jamie Stop kvetching and stop worrying about the Dodd-Frank issues; you loved my idea last week to set up a desk to trade Egypt bonds and futures contracts...and now my people tell me that you've been making book in $5B, $10B, and even $50 billion bets on which way, and when the wind is going to blow over their...

#JPMC's Dimon Gets Dumped On--No More Free Toasters for Picard

Posted on February 03, 2011
From J.Dimon To: I.Picard Now that your egregious accusations in that frivolous lawsuit are now public, we're going to defend ourselves based on the fact that your "claims" are based on libelous and unsubstantiated statements that you found over the past two years on Bernie's blog, and in equally nefarious accusations made in that scandalous book written by that snarly "investigative journalist" Erin Arvedlund...

Madoff on the Mets

Posted on January 31, 2011
Sure, I know--all of you people have been clamoring for days, checking in every other other to read my comments on the latest "revelation" unearthed by Irv P. Did I know that Fred and his family bought the Mets with Madoff money?? No comment. If you had half a brain, you'd have bought Little Erin Arvedlund's book and read in between the lines...

#Madoff Resolutions for 2011

Posted on January 04, 2011
To: Maurice From: Bernie Re: Bongiorno Counselor: Nan tells me that you've advised her to consider singing. I've heard that you're a great lawyer, maybe even one of the best, but I'm not sure this particular idea makes sense. Sure, Nan almost looks like a singer, and Ruth always said that she did a mean karaoke at our annual clam bakes...

Madoff & The Marshals

Posted on January 02, 2011
From: I. Picard To: Brian Aryai Thanks for the heads up re: Lenny Briskman. Although the U.S. Marshals Service did a splendid job auctioning Madoff physical property,  getting the right price for a private partnership interest is more complex. If they didn't run an auction, or didn't bother to solicit three competing bids for Ruth's stake in Delta Ventures, that certainly presents concern...

#Madoff Claims Market Action Heats Up Again

Posted on December 23, 2010
To: A. Moskowitz, ASM Capital From: A. Madoff From one A to another,  I'm not sure you paid any attention to the memo that my brother sent you several months ago re: your wanting to use our trading system to create a market in Picard/Madoff claims...

#Madoff Motorcyles

Posted on December 23, 2010
From: AndyTo: Cathy Love the new PR strategy! Too many people have connected me with fishing for pikers, and for all of those idiots that think I'm busy cruising around in Land Rovers and Beemers, this new look is going to be a winner! And, now we won't have to worry about fighting for a parking space on Greenwich Ave! Also-your idea about opening a massage therapy clinic is perfect! Forget the Black Umbrella thing! What with the list that Nan and Jodi sent of all of our 'patients' in Florida, those clowns from Medicare and Medicaid won't stand a chance challenging any of the payment claims!  If they do, we'll have Eric make a few calls...

Bernie's Babes:Bongiorno Chapter 18 million

Posted on December 21, 2010
Dear Mo: What the f**k am I paying you for?! The judge still thinks that I'm a flight risk??! Do I look like I can f**king fly? I can't even walk over to Mizner without having a stroke!! I'm not happy about this. Who the hell is going to keep an eye on Rudy?? You know that he can barely walk, especially when cameras are pointed at him! If those keystone kops think this is going to get me to sing, trust me when I say "it ain't over til the fat lady sings!"  BTW-Tell April that its time...

Picard Picking Up After Picower

Posted on December 17, 2010
From:Bernie To: Jeff I know that you (and 5000 of the loonies that come to the blog every day) want to know what I have to say about Bill's deal. As promised, I'll let the dust settle first. BTW-I hear its f**king freezing where you are..oy! BLM

Trustee Seeks to Claw Back #Madoff Life Insurance Policy Payout

Posted on December 15, 2010
From: D. Sheehan, Esq. To: I. Picard, Esq. Irv- This isn't the time to be a mamsy-pamsy; if the Feds aren't letting Bernie out for the funeral, there's no reason why we should turn the heat down either!(Personally, I think that story is a ruse, and Bernie will be there, if only in the back of the place...

#Madoff Mourning

Posted on December 11, 2010
My darling Ruth- I know you want to put this on me, and lay the "sins of the father" on my lap, but it wasn't my fault. Its not as if I didn't give both of the boys everything in the world. What kind of wife would leave our kid home alone with a 2 year old?!  What was that girl thinking??! Well, nobody's going to be thinking straight right now, so once again, its up to me...

Sweet Sonja

Posted on December 10, 2010
Dear Irving: I'm appalled at your allegations! Because of all the publicity that your stupid press releases are creating,  I'm going to have to move out of Montebello and go back to Majorca! Do you think there's a Bagel Boys there?? I don't think so! And, your ridiculous suggestion that I'm "a master of disguise and pose the risk of easily transforming myself into a man" is simply cruel! Two years ago, I emphatically and unequivocally stated that I had never received any money from Cohmad...

#Madoff Anniversary: From Bernie

Posted on December 10, 2010
From: BernieTo: Ike Thanks for keeping the spin machine in check; I'm so god-damned busy sending out Anniversary cards, its a relief to know that you're still the best at dealing with the muckrakers! Yes, I know that its disappointing that you haven't gotten a piece of any of the millions in retainer fees that have flowed into those other law firms over the past week...

#Madoff Banks Blistered

Posted on December 06, 2010
To: F.Bienes From: P. Konigsberg Beans-I told you that you were a schmuck for doing that stupid television interview last year! "Easy Peasy"--what the f**k were you thinking when you used that line?? Now that "Mrs. P." has opened pandora's box, I've had to give my lawyer another $500k retainer! On top of that, I've got to invoke the Wikipedia Doctrine against f**king Google and demand they shut down crazy Bernie's blog...

JPMorgan Madoff Mess

Posted on December 03, 2010
From: Gregg Hassell / IR Dept. To: J. Dimon Jamie- Per your note (below), you might want to check the bank's NextPoint application; apparently whenever you send something out, it gets intercepted and somehow posted into Madoff's blog. I understand your need to re-assign me...

JPMorgan Internal #Madoff Memo

Posted on December 03, 2010
From: J.Dimon To: Gregg Hassell 1. You apparently missed the memo: I don't want you using the email system to communicate any more questions/concerns re: any IR or PR issues. 2. Yes, I'm well aware of the upcoming Janus case before the Supreme Court, which has repeatedly held individuals that merely aided or abetted a fraud can't be sued in a private suit (as opposed to a suit brought by SEC) for damages...

#Madoff Clawback Goes For Dimon's Diamonds

Posted on December 02, 2010
To: I. Picard From: Jamie Irv-What the f**k are you possibly thinking? Aside from having gone over this topic with you more than a few times in the past year, and despite explaining to you that I'm made out of teflon and hence, clawback-proof, I sent everyone in your office brand new toasters in consideration for their not wasting any more time by wasting our time here at JP! But no, that wasn't good enough, was it?! And what's with serving lawsuits during Chanukah?! Do you have any idea how sacrilegious you are?! What's done is done, and now you've forced me to put the gloves on...

Calling All Clawyers:#Madoff Mania

Posted on November 28, 2010
From: I.Picard, Esq. To: Bob Carlson, Stella's Fish Cafe As much as I'm enjoying my celebrity status, and however much I appreciated your sending my office that crate of fresh lobsters, your using my likeness to promote your restaurant is troubling.  In fact, if you don't cease and desist, we'll have to file a lawsuit against your company...

NBC:Thanks for Giving Jane Wells

Posted on November 26, 2010
I have to say, that aside from having to watch Thanksgiving Day TV  on a 32' screen, in a room with ten guys, instead of watching on my 56' in my old den,  I've got a lot to be thankful for: 1. Picower hasn't turned up yet. 2. Ruthie and I celebrated another wedding anniversary together...

Turkey Eggplant for Thanksgiving: A #Madoff Favorite!

Posted on November 24, 2010
To:AUSA Julian Moore From: R.Riopelle,Esq. RE: Bongiorno Bail Julian-Once again, the media has managed to misquote me. I did not say that Ms.Bongiorno is no threat to anyone except an uncooked eggplant. What I said was that Ms.Bongiorno is no threat to anyone or anything, including an uncooked eggplant...

#Madoff Turkey?

Posted on November 23, 2010
From: Marie Villafaña AUSA To: Preet  Thanks for the photos! I understand your being perplexed by Ms. Bongiorno's supposed inability to post bail, and the possibility that the Special Agents may have actually detained the wrong individual.   I could be wrong, but I don't believe that we've made the same mistake that the CIA people appeared to have made re: Muhammad Mansour, and coalition forces being duped by a scamster that presented himself as the Taliban chieftan, who then apparently walked away with a bag full of cash handed to him by the station chief...

#Madoff Made Me!

Posted on November 18, 2010
Dear Mr. Picard- The mere fact that you would libel me by suggesting that I let Frank shtupp me is beyond belief! Do I look like the type that would get into bed with that guy? He's nothing more than a RAT, and if you're going to rely on anything that he says in order to implicate me, well, you've opened a big can of worms for yourself!! Enrica Pitz Dear Ro & Mo: What the F**K?!! You people didn't tell me that they were going to make me remove my brassiere when they processed me!!! What? Do these idiots really think that I'm going to hang myself with it?! Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is?! Please call Rudy and tell him to bring me the other bra, from my top right drawer...

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