Law Humor

#Madoff Drinking It Up?!

Posted on November 16, 2010
Ruthie- The fact that some schmuck paid $550k for a ring that only cost me $125k proves that I've got the Midas Touch. Forget about the idiot that paid $1700 for my shorts! Ha! Anyway--I didn't want to wait until our next conjugal to tell you to call JP's people...

#Madoff Returns..

Posted on November 12, 2010
OK, so its been almost two f**king weeks since the last time I updated my damn blog. The truth is (and you can trust me!), I've been working on my memoir and the damn publisher wants it finished and ready to publish before Dec 11. To all of you shmendricks that keep sending letters with questions for me: I've gotten more than 10,000 in the last few months, and I can only reply to a few; the best chance for you to get a personal reply is to make sure to include $5 for postage and handling...

#Madoff Trick & Treats

Posted on November 01, 2010
Yes, I know that you've all been shvitzing with anticipation and wondering where I've been for the last week. If you must know, Ruthie came down for a conjugal a few days ago, and ever since, I've been too tired to blog. But, I'm back in the saddle, as they say...

#Madoff Goes Into Labor

Posted on October 22, 2010
From: Hilda Solis Secretary, US Department of Labor To: B.Madoff Bernie: Will need to have a second interview with you re: today's filing against Ivy Mgt, Beacon Assoc, JP Jeannert and Andover. Its likely you'll be called as an expert witness, despite some people believing you might be clinically sociopathic...

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Bernie- As your lawyer, I'm always

Posted on October 13, 2010
Bernie- As your lawyer, I'm always happy to accept collect calls from you, but we need to keep this call short; I have a lunch date in 15 minutes with Ross Mandell. First, I read your letter. As much as I appreciate that your brother Pete is planning to use his law degree and hang a shingle on his door down in Florida, I don't know that [his idea] about recanting your guilty plea by claiming that you were 'temporarily incontinent' will work...

#Madoff Mind-Boggling: The Next Generation

Posted on October 11, 2010
To: Elissa Gootman, NY Times From: Cathy Thanks sooo much for the great article! Kudos!! Great that it even made the front page of the B-section today! I told Andy that you'd produce something softer than cotton! And you did! And, thanks again for using that pic--Andy says it compliments my bust line perfectly! I don't mind telling you that he was really, really  worried that you'd turn the tables on us by suggesting that "BU" was funded by the stash of cash that Andy put aside from the bonus check he got a few months before his firm cratered...

To: Marty Flumenbaum From: Mark

Posted on October 08, 2010
To: Marty Flumenbaum From: Mark M. RE: Yesterday's court appearance Marty: Good job re: the arguments that you made in court yesterday. Unfortunately, Burt Lifland seems too easily influenced by the ridiculous remarks made by Picard's lacky. Shana has suggested that Andy should come to court for the next scheduled appearance, and perhaps crawl up into the fetal position and start to cry...

Madoff Moans #SEC #Flash Crash Report

Posted on October 02, 2010
Mary, Mary how contrary! The ?story? that the SEC is promoting i.e. cause of the May ?flash crash? is not just misleading, but completely disingenuous. I know that your's is a political appointment and that your positions necessarily need to drift back and forth with the wind, but as your friend, trust me when I tell you that the flash crash report is full of frivolity...

#Stuxnet Attacks SEC ?

Posted on September 28, 2010
From: Ira To: Bernie RE: Stan Chais Dead men tell no lies. At this rate, we should be able to start the appeal process sooner than first planned. The SEC certainly won't be a problem; its not like they can be selective when shredding hard copy files--and as far as their internal emails, I hear they got hit with that Stuxnet virus...

#Madoff's Greatest Hits of '09'; Calling All Madmen!

Posted on September 27, 2010
From: Ruth To: Bernie Sweetie-since I couldn't find a temple that I thought I'd be comfortable at this year, I did most of my Yom Kippur reflecting about the past year here at home, in my little hovel... Any who, while I was thinking about about how I used to have my pedicure in the privacy of my 2000 sq...

#Madoff on Friday

Posted on September 25, 2010
To: Congressman Gary Ackerman From: Irv Picard Congressman: I won't bother saying that I'm getting more than a bit frustrated by your ongoing effort to vilify me in the media; after all, castigating people whenever there's a microphone in front of your face seems to be what you, and every other politician, do best...

#Madoff Musings; Claims, Clawyers and Hot Flashes

Posted on September 22, 2010
To: Charlie Full-of-Gas-Parino From: Bernie, here in Butthole Prison Here I was thinking that Nan Bongiorno had a flatulation problem, but after seeing that stupid segment you did with that kid Eric Bolling and that crook Ross Mandell on FOX about how "the Street is trading Madoff Claims", all i can say is that if you think you broke some kind of news story, all you did was break a fart--and you might as well light a match to it!   Its no f**king wonder that you're over at FOX now--that place is perfect for you! You're with a whole family of knuckleheads! The only other person missing over at FOX is CrackHead Kudlow! Let's make the record clear: I was the one that created that idea about trading claims back in March 2009!! Don't believe me? Click here, you moron! And, to further prove it, you can go back to my comments from this past June...

#Madoff Atonement

Posted on September 17, 2010
Now that Yom Kippur is here, everybody's asking me to comment on recent events, so here you go: 1. Nan; bongiorno to you too, sweetheart! I understand that you think the outside of the envelope is pronounced "in-dicked-ment", and you think that it might be "junk mail"...

Shana Tovah from Mary to The Madoffs

Posted on September 13, 2010
From: Mary Shapiro To: Bernie RE: Shana Tovah to you, too! Thanks so much for the New Year card, and Shana Tovah to you, and of course, to Shana and her lovely husband, my good friend Eric. As you can tell, my desk is piled up with pending investigations, and, because we're still trying to implement culture changes here,  my outbox is still empty of any new actions...

Macha #Madoff : Another Year

Posted on September 08, 2010
From Bernie: To: My Flock After Pete told me the latest traffic numbers, it looks like my congregation grows bigger every day! Just like the old days! So, for all of you in my flock that will be observing Rosh Hashanah, have no worries; you can trust me to deliver an important sermon this year...

#Madoff To Bail Out #Picard (?)

Posted on September 03, 2010
From: Irv Picard, Esq. To: Bernie Madoff Bernie- You might be at "Camp Fluffy", but this blogging nonsense needs to come to a stop. Yes, I'm very grateful for the alcohol-free hand sanitizer that you sent over, but every damn time you post something, the f**king news media winds up taking your comments out of proportion and turns them into damn headline stories a week later! Last week, you once again took it upon yourself to throw darts at how much our firm is billing for cleaning up the crap pile that you created, which then led that ambulance-chasing shrew to file a bunch of stupid law suits, and now the muckrakers are munching on the story and putting it on the front page of every damn "newspaper" in the country! We both know that the money we're getting paid by SIPC for sending out claim denial letters isn't coming from the pool of cash that's ostensibly intended to satisfy claims...

#Madoff Monetize Machine

Posted on August 27, 2010
From: Bernie To: Ike You know what I find is amazing? The fact that Irv Picard has billed out close to $100 million in less than two years, most of that is for time spent on sending out claim denial letters! The fact that he hasn't recovered more than ten cents from the people that I turned into billionaires, and the fact that all he has recovered is the cash that was sitting over at JP and BNY before I turned myself in...

#Madoff Humping Away Wednesday: Summer Solstace

Posted on August 19, 2010
From: Marcia To: Dad Don't worry; the paper shredder that I used is sitting at the bottom of Montauk Harbor... and I might even be able to get the b/d license re-instated; Swanson said that M.Shapiro still owes him a few favors. "Dopamine" is most likely to going to claim that he was mentally incapacitated from 1980-2008, which would work well for us...

#Madoff Summer Scorchers

Posted on August 09, 2010
From: Bernie To: Jodi Sweetheart, I know that its hot up there, but stop shvitzing about Nan and the Key Stone Kops coming after her.. You have to understand that it took them 18 months to figure out that she had a place in Manhasset and a place in Boca, even though the muckrackers pointed that out months and months ago...

#Madoff Family Gets Feisty With Trustee

Posted on July 31, 2010
From: Andrew Madoff To: Irv Picard RE: Your Lawsuit Dear Irv: I'd have thought that by now you would realize that the only cash that I have available can barely fill a couple of grocery bags. Why you're grasping at straws by suing me is, as my Dad would say, "a real mind boggler...

#Mad Man Madoff?? Ha!

Posted on July 29, 2010
Lets presume for a moment that I?m the Cannibal Lecter of the Financial Markets?I don?t necessarily accept that; but you might want to think so. Then again, before you jump to that conclusion, perhaps you should consider any of the other names that have stood out in the media when referring to Madoff ?Ponzi Scheme...

Mary on #Madoff: TGIF

Posted on July 24, 2010
From: Mary Shapiro To: Congressman Bill Posey Dear Congressman Posey, As a follow-up to the grilling that I was subjected to earlier this week, my staff has researched the questions you presented re: current whereabouts and job status of former SEC staff that may have come in contact with Madoff-related audits and matters relating to suspect activity and accusations that were made in the years preceding the collapse of Madoff Investment Securities and related entities...

#Madoff Feeder Says "I'm Fed Up!"

Posted on July 22, 2010
To: Irv Picard From: Walter Noel cc: Jeff Tucker Dear Irv: When my houseman brought in the mail yesterday, and then passed it over to the butler, who then passed it on to our downstairs maid, I was actually surprised to see the letter from you. After everything we've discussed, you somehow expect that I would personally be in a position to fork over  hundreds of millions of dollars as you seek to 'claw back' $3 billion+  from the various funds that were under FGG's umbrella? Are you crazy?! Do you have any idea how much it costs me to support FIVE daughters, their husbands, their pets, their houses, their cars, their private planes and all of those g-d damned Tiffany accounts?? Just look at this crew! It costs millions a year just to keep them coiffed, not to mention the private tutors, the stylists, the cars, the champagne, the parties, the cotillions, and of course, the therapists...

Ruth #Madoff Goes Red

Posted on July 17, 2010
To: Jamie Dimon From: Bernie Many mazels on the court verdict! Proving that having a good lawyer and a bag full of sheckels beats better lawyers with a handful of schmeckels! Ha! To: Ruthie From: Bernie I told you to stay up in Westport for the summer!...

#Madoff Moving

Posted on June 30, 2010
From: Mark To: Mom Since Dad has refused to tell me where the stash really is, and what with my cash flow being tight right now, I've decided to sell the place up in Nantucket. Steph has agreed to tone down the lifestyle a bit, so we're figuring that $7 mil after the broker commission should be enough for us to live off...

#Madoff Hot Potato: Picard and Preet Pishing Match

Posted on June 25, 2010
To: Preet From: Irv Picard Needless to say, we were shocked to read the below complaint. Your office's attempt to seize close to $3 million in cash assets from Nan Bongiorno is in direct conflict with the authority and rights of reclamation (a/k/a clawback) that have been afforded to us by the US Bankruptcy Court...

Bernie's Bongiorno

Posted on June 24, 2010
To: Mo From: Nan What the f**k is going on, now?!! Who is it that wants my car?!! The Feds?! What is this? A stupid f**king joke??! You tell that [dick] Zabel that: 1. His Daddy has been paid enough by Jeff P's family to buy himself an entire fleet of Bentley's! What does he need another one for?? 2...

#Madoff Monday

Posted on June 22, 2010
From: Pete To Bernie Hope that your Father's Day was a good one. I know that the boys sent you a box of ties, but they were actually well-intentioned. If you don't want them, Ruth can return them to Mitchell's. Thought you'd like to know that we decided to re-create the annual summer party a little bit early this year, and it was just like old times! You couldn't have asked for better weather! On another note, just when we thought that the f**king media would lose focus and we could all get back to normal, some schmuck from the NY Post wrote a story that every other stupid publication is re-printing as if it were true...

#Madoff Mania: What #BP and #Afghanistan Have In Common...

Posted on June 16, 2010
To: Bernie From: J. Picower In all due respect, you've been all wrong about President Obama's strategy re: Afghanistan. It didn't take Dick Cheney to figure out that place is a gold mine, not to mention the bauxite, iron, copper and lithium. That's why I've already started digging! Yes, the weather here sucks, but its not like I can go pack to Palm Beach...

#Madoff on the #BP Mess; #Shana Speaks Out

Posted on June 11, 2010
From Shana To: Uncle Bernie Despite Mark's comment to the vulture at ASM Capital that's trying to pay pennies for the claims that dear Mr. Picard is administering, and Mark's plan to open a new futures trading platform (with me on the Board), I'm not sure I really want to go back into the business...

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