Home -> Law Blog Directory -> Law Humor Blogs -> Bernard Madoff

Law Humor

: Bernard Madoff

#Madoff Maligned?!

From Bernie:

To: All of you muckrakers and talking heads that are busy questioning my credibility re: Dame Diana Henriques story

1. "Can't believe what Bernie says"?! I might not be able to vote, but questioning Midas Madoff i.e. suggesting that more than a few people "had to know" what I was up to is hardly something that can't be believed.

2. You'd have to be mentally-retarded (puhlease, this is an entirely socially-acceptable phrase, just ask Rahm Emanuel!), or otherwise blinded by Bernie Bucks to have conveniently overlooked what was going on.

3. Of course, the SEC could never tell the difference between a red flag from a blue flag, but don't think for a mili-second that the biggest financial institutions in the world can't tell the difference between green and red. And, green is the dominant color for them. Hint: its the same color as money!

4. "We complied with all necessary banking rules in accordance with regulatory guidelines and internal policies." What? They're going to say "We suspected something was f**ked up, but our lawyers told us that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the operative approach to take."?

5. You didn't ask, but I'll tell you how I've called all of the major market moves in these past 2 years alone; I'm a god-da*ned genius, that's how! So, questioning my credibility is a waste of time.

Speaking of market moves--everyone (I mean everyone), wants to know what I think about the markets now. Let's start with the fact that the last 8-month rise in the S&P and Dow is completely unrelated to the state of the actual economy. There is absolutely no correlation between the two. Do I need to repeat myself?

Aside, don't think for a second that the stock market is going to keep going up. Even if it shakes off pirate attacks and Libyan riots, when the lag effects of recent price spikes in raw food, energy, textiles and minerals start kick in over the next six months at the check out counter, and when Main Street is flooded with personal bankruptcy, who's going to have a pension fund that has any money to invest in stocks or bonds?

A. The world is spinning faster than the crystal ball sitting on Jamie Dimon's desk. What with protests spreading like wild-fire across Africa and the Middle East, don't think for a second that the shit going on in Wisconsin is confined to the cheese heads.

We've got bubbling unrest in every part of this country, and the reasons are all tied to the same crap that's going on overseas: disenfranchised populations that are suffering while their rich get richer. We've got municipalities declaring bankruptcy, home prices dropping the second shoe, and the cost of raw materials, from food to textiles doubling and tripling--and a handful of companies are making all of the revenue, but because they're scared sh*tless, they're either buying up all of the water rights in this country, or converting it to gold bars and keeping them stashed in secret storage facilities.

At the same time, our government is using the printing cartridges they took from my warehouse to print greenbacks 24/7. Then, they're taking those greenbacks and throwing good money after bad. The whole thing is f**king nuts! Can you spell stagflation?? Do you know what it can do??

OK..here's something to think about. All that shit going on across the world and everyone's freaked out about the cost of oil going through the roof. The answer: We need to do a merger with Canada. That's right, we merge the two countries. They've got more natural resources than all of Africa and half the middle east combined. Sitting above ground in the dirt!!

Afghanistan: Take our troops out, carpet bomb the place with Chinese-made nail bombs, and give Dick Cheney and Halliburton the excavation rights to their minerals.

Pakistan: They're our friends because??  Exactly.

You think all of this is crazy dribble from a sociopath?? Fine. Explain why CNN keeps that nut case Eliot Spitzer on air! Or, Sarah Palin is qualified to be President because she can see the Russian border, or Donald Trump is a logical alternative candidate, and Barney Frank has a firm grasp on all matters relating to banking, securities markets and how to solve the health care problem.

For those of you wondering why I've decided to speak out lately, would I really be such a bad choice to lead this country right now?

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 22, 2011 (boomark / email).