Law Humor

Ponzi Supernova and Madoff Cornering The Market in Hot Chocolate

Posted on October 03, 2020
To: Steve FishmanFrom: BernieSteve- I was happy to give you plenty of my time so that you could provide Amazon with a packaged audio series of episodes that offered credible insight. That said, after a very special and hot chick friend of mine in Oregon tipped me off to the jibber jabber media reviews of the Ponzi Supernova series that launched this week, I'm scratching my head as to why you would include shining a spotlight on my hot chocolate powder business...

Trump Vows To Dump US State Dept; Open US Dept of Sex

Posted on July 31, 2016
1996 Melania Trump photo by Ale de BassevilleTRUMP CAMPAIGN SPECIAL REPORT: GOP NOMINEE VOWS TO SHUT US DEPT OF STATE AND REPLACE WITH US DEPT OF SEX;  FIRST LADY MELANIA TO GIVE HEAD AND ?LEND A HAND?DONALD TRUMP TWEETS ?MY NEW US DEPARTMENT  WILL BE PROFITABLE STARTING DAY ONE!?(MarketsMuse Exclusive)- Donald Trump, the GOP Presidential Nominee announced today ?Because our foreign policy is such a disaster, during my first 100 days as President, I will not only build a really big wall along the Mexico border, I hereby vow to shut the U...

I Will Endorse Trump If He Invokes #ISIStheDonkey Killshot

Posted on June 22, 2016
From: Bernald L. Madoff To: Donald J. Trumpcc: Ivanka Trumpcc: Eric Trumpcc: Donald Trump, Jr.  RE: My EndorsementDear Donald- Against better judgement, trust me when I say that I will endorse you re: campaign to be President if you endorse and implement the following: How Trump Head-F%*K Strategy Can Pork ISIS Brand  Linguist Kill Shot Should Be Used To Defeat D?Aesh Terrorist Gang; Word Association 201: Insert Offensive Phrase in front of Adversary Name to Defeat Them...

Madoff To Testify re: "Art of Bernie's Bookkeeping"

Posted on April 04, 2016
BREAKING: Bernie Madoff Will Face Deposition In Profit Row Yes, the headline to this story is true. I'm on my way to redemption and if there is anything that I can do for the trustee and/or the 'casualties' of what I have already acknowledged as being a Ponzi scheme, I am happy to help...

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Litigants Barred From Double Dipping in Madoff Claim Pool

Posted on February 18, 2016
It didn't require the wisdom of Antonin Scalia to rule against plaintiffs who have been pursuing my pal Jeff Picower's remaining billions as part of the Mad Hunt to Pursue Madoff Claims. All it took was a federal bankruptcy court judge in New York to realize that double-dipping in the claim pool is no more politically correct than visiting the Boca Rio buffet table more than 3 times on any given Sunday night...

Financial Market Wisdom From Bernie Madoff

Posted on February 08, 2016
OK, you're tuning in to the Madoff Channel because you know that I've seen more stock market ups and downs over more than 50 years than most folks. And, if you've navigated various updates I've made here and via my Twitter account over the last 7+ years during times of market upheaval and capitulation, you know that I've posted trade ideas with respect to individual stocks, gold, oil and bonds and 99% of my market calls have paid off handsomely for those who acted upon them...

What Bernie Madoff Thinks of ABC TV Show w Richard Dreyfuss

Posted on January 30, 2016
Now that more than 5000 visitors have come running back to my blog in the past week alone--presumably all wanting to know what I think about the melodrama "Madoff" starring Richard Dreyfuss, I'll tell you.Firstly, when I was asked to be a co-producer for this production, I insisted that Erin Arvedlund be part of the writing team, as she is the only news journalist who actually got my whole story straight--well before anyone else...

Palin Beds w Trump-Congress Emergency Bill to Allow Marijuana for CNN Syndrome

Posted on January 19, 2016
Not a surprise. Sarah Palin is exactly the type of tart that he appeals to and her endorsing Donald Trump, or more likely, his agreeing in advance to accept her endorsement because he's calculated 'any publicity is good publicity.' With that, there actually appears to be some sane people remaining in Congress who have finally concluded that the shit has gotten so out of control, the best solution is to enact legislation through an Emergency Bill To Legalize Marijuana For Those Suffering From CNN Syndrome...

Showtime's #Billions Gets 5 Stars from Bernie

Posted on January 11, 2016
Ok, its been a while. I've been busy catching up on my reading and watching the markets move up and down thanks to the craziness of the world and the never-ending stupidity of how those crazy "hedge funds" are chasing their own tails, and pocketing those management fees...

Two Craziest Madoff Court Rulings In Same Week-Mets At Bat

Posted on October 18, 2015
First, let me send a big shout out to my long time pal Fred Wilpon, who everyone knows is the owner of the NY Mets.  I trusted in you that my favorite baseball team would once again be world famous and now that we are on deck to play in the World Series, this is the time to be offering stakes at a higher valuation...

Stock Market Massacre: Madoff Says...

Posted on August 24, 2015
The past few days of stock market mahyem should not be (i) a surprise or (ii) a harbinger of any kind of "massacre." Then again, it depends on what your definition is when it comes to "massacre." Especially when it comes to Black Mondays. That said, the August 2015 stock market sell off will certainly be remembered...

Trump Sues Toilet Paper Co For Defamation and #DumpTrump Slogan

Posted on July 31, 2015
As much as I was hoping for a summer vacation from blogging, I almost peed my pants when I saw the headline "Trump Sues Toilet Paper Co..." Madoff Says: Even I can't make this sh*t up!Here's the background: in advance of the first GOP "Debate Dump", it appears that a very creative initiative is pushing across social media to advance the #DumpTrump "movement"...

Summer Vacation for Bernie Madoff-Adios Donald Trump

Posted on July 13, 2015
The world is getting crazier every day, and the stuff that I did is pale in comparison to the bizarre way in which the world is turning.1. Greece. Other than the fact that the people of Greece have morphed into an entitlement society and concurrently, the country has a 25% unemployment rate, Germany's determination to impose aggressive and egregious austerity measures on the Greek people is the wackiest position in the world...

Dead Men Tell No Lies-Dimes DiPascali Now Deceased

Posted on May 11, 2015
From: Bernie MadoffTo: Frankie D.I told you that smoking cigarettes would kill you, you dope. And, now you're dead. Well, now that you're in that great big fishing boat in the sky, you can sing "I did it my way" all day long. Ok, so maybe Sinatra's tune could be re-worded to "I did it Bernie's way!"As much as you would have likely been sent to a camp, being a rat and dropping counterfeit dimes on long-time co-workers would hardly have endeared you to anyone "on the inside...

Condolences to The Cohns. Sonny Was A Great Bagman!

Posted on May 08, 2015
To: Marilyn & MarciaFrom: Bernie Madoff My sincere condolences. Sonny was a swell guy, and with his long time friendship and business partnership, he helped swell our wallets and helped fill the fuel tank for our flights on the "CohMad 1" jet to Switzerland...

Late Post: Court Decision re: Interest Payments on Madoff Investor 'Losses": Denied--Duh!

Posted on February 24, 2015
To: Helen "Hell On Wheels" ChaitmanFrom: Bernie MadoffHad I not been so been busy playing in a backgammon tournament with Junior (Persico), and then distracted re final requests from ABC for me to approve their choosing Richard Dreyfuss to play me in an upcoming film (he really doesn't look too much like me though), I would have opined on last Friday's court decision sooner...

Bernie's Bongiorno Driving Herself via Bentley to Camp Fed-Go Girl, Go!

Posted on February 20, 2015
To: BernieFrom. A. Bongiorno (aka "Nan")You were right for pointing me to Mo and Ro; two of the best lawyers in the world!Thanks to them (and to the Judge, of course!), I don't have to cram my 4ft by 4ft body into into a shit seat on JetBlue, and I'm allowed to drive myself down to the Federal pen in Florida! Yes, I still have the Bentley, so I'm thinking the drive won't be so bad...

I Told You So..Madoff Investors Receive Another Payout From Picard

Posted on February 09, 2015
February 09, 2015 Press release from the office of Irving H. Picard, SIPA Trustee for the liquidation of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC (BLMIS) February 09, 2015 11:20 AM Eastern Standard Time Irving H. Picard, Securities Investor Protection Act (SIPA) Trustee for the liquidation of Bernard L...

2015 New Year Resolution From Bernie Madoff

Posted on January 01, 2015
First, allow me to extend New Year's greetings to all of my fans and followers. I wish all of you great health, happiness and prosperity in 2015.Well, actually, I don't wish that upon all of you; there are a bunch of boneheads who come to this blog and are still trying to figure out whether its really me that is blogging and tweeting, or if its a muse of mine...

Chanukah Brings Madoff Victims More Gelt In Recoveries; 1% Checks Delivered

Posted on December 19, 2014
From: Bernie MadoffTo: Former CustomersHappy Chanukah...Although the news media has somehow failed to jump on this story, by now you should have received a nice recovery check in the mail courtesy of bankruptcy trustee agent AxialPartners.I'm not recommending that you invest the 1% of your net loss amount check in Oil futures, stocks, or some of those wacky-ass Energy "MLPs" that have just given up 50% of their NAV in the past 3 weeks...

Anniversary Note: A Madoff Letter to Judge Swain

Posted on December 05, 2014
To: The Honorable Laura Taylor SwainFrom: Bernard Madoffre: Dec 8 SentencingDear Judge Swain:We all know that we are days away from the 6 year anniversary of my "coming out" and acknowledging being the ring leader of a scheme that swiped serious bucks from a bunch of people...

Best Laugh of Day: CNBC Kernen and Sorkin Square Off : SEC Staffer Personal Trading Accounts

Posted on November 21, 2014
So far, the best laugh of the day comes courtesy of CNBC aka "Stock Market's Cartoon Channel" re exchange between Andrew Sorkin and Joe Kernen on the topic of whether SEC staffers should continue to be allowed to trade in their "PAs" (personal trading account), when considering their unique access to inside information: Sorkin: "So, Joe...

More Millions for Madoff Trustee: What About The Victims Waiting For Payment?

Posted on November 14, 2014
...this comes from the WSJ: I'll preface this by posing the rhetorical question to Irv P. on behalf of those who are still communicating with me: "WHEN IS THE NEXT DISTRIBUTION TO CLAIMANTS GOING TO BE RELEASED?"A Manhattan bankruptcy judge will consider a settlement Tuesday that raises millions of dollars for Bernard Madoff?s cheated investors...

Libor Scandal Scoop..Happy Anniversary To...From Bernie Madoff

Posted on October 07, 2014
First, I need to extend kudos to my gal pal Erin Arvedlund for once again being the first to offer the most in-depth look at yet another global banking scandal.  You don't need to look far to find it..just scroll to the left!!Erin ArvedlundErin's book, which is scheduled to hit the store shelves shortly (and one that I have a first edition of next to my nightstand) is head and shoulders above all of the news reports that are only now finding their way in large block trades to the front pages of the NY Times and Wall Street Journal...

Defending Andrew Madoff's $16million estate-Dead Men Tell No Lies

Posted on September 13, 2014
Regarding the "just revealed" news that my recently-deceased son Andrew Madoff left behind an estate valued at $16 million (give or take), let me say this about that:1. One could argue whether the estate, approximately 1/3 of which represents the value of residences he acquired courtesy of personal loans that I extended to him in the year preceding my firm's collapse, should be subject to "claw back" efforts by Irv Picard...

#Picard Pitches a Spitball to Mets #Wilpon

Posted on March 19, 2011
  From: F. WilponTo: I. Picard, Esq.In all little respect, your latest pitch is a spitball. You know what you can do with the sandwich.Fred

#Madoff Guest Columnist #Michael Lewis: LIVE

Posted on March 18, 2011
I'm pleased to introduce today's guest columnist and my long-time friend, Michael Lewis. Mike knows almost as much about the markets as me, Midas Madoff,  but he doesn't have the balls to trade anymore, ha! Alright, he's the one that's laughing now! Instead of knocking his head against the wall trying to trade like a pisher, now he's a famous writer and making sh*t piles of cash selling his latest book...

#SEC to Help Clean Up #Japan #Nuclear Meltdown

Posted on March 17, 2011
From: Mary Shapiro To: All Staff Members Given that many of you have already been exposed to nuclear meltdown events, and because several SEC staff have already become radioactive, President Obama has asked me to ask for volunteers that we can send to assist the clean-up effort taking place the Fukushima Dai-Ichi nuclear plant in Japan...

#Madoff Bombs #Bloomberg; Midas Touch Still In Tact

Posted on March 16, 2011
From The Desk Of: Bernie Madoff To: Madoff Market Update Subscribers 1. Go back to my Feb 28 posting-I told you the market for stocks, gold and oil was topping out. As of yesterday morning, the DOW has since traded down 400 points, Gold is down $40 in two weeks, and Oil is slightly lower...

#Madoff Unleashes #Tsunami on Friday

Posted on March 11, 2011
From: Midas Madoff To: Charlie Sheen I never carried on like Allen Stanford, that's why he got caught early and why my acting career lasted so long. I don't know you, but Benny Silverman asked me to proffer some advice. To S. Gerson, Esq. From B. Madoff cc: My New Mouthpiece Rule #1...

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