Law Humor
Bernard Madoff 
Spoofed confessions from Bernie Madoff, the guy who diverted billions of dollars in history's biggest Ponzi Scheme thanks to his friends at the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).
Post Frequency: 1.4/day Last Entry: November 19, 2009 at 17:16:00 Recent Entries: 467
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Bernie's Turkeys
Posted on November 19, 2009To: BernieFrom: Jodi C.Thanks for your note. I didn't know that you could be so poetic!Anyway, and no thanks to you, the Donut Demons are still sitting on 17, and they're forwarding me the fan mail. What are they thinking??Before I forget; Should I use that special Black Amex in Ruth's name for this year's re-union Christmas party? Mark says his credit card was canceled, and "Randy Andy" can't seem to be able to make a decision, and Peter says he's too busy to make decisions...
Bernie's Sutton Place Fingerprints
Posted on November 16, 2009To: DadFrom: Marciacc: PeterEven if I've been "outed" by that bitch-hunter "Mrs. Panstreppon", at least Irv Picard missed out on putting his creepy hands on the apt.I'm better off now anyway; Sutton Place was getting to be such a bore.Now that I've cashed out for $1...
Bernie Madoff: Friday the 13th Lickin the Lappers
Posted on November 13, 2009To: Barbara WaltersFrom: BernieBarbie-Thanks so much for the nomination!My buddy Jeff Picower is no doubt turning over in his grave right now thinking that he should have been nominated for Time's Person of the Year Award! Ha!Next:Its Friday the 13th, and since I'm not really a superstitious kind of guy, why shouldn't I come back after taking a week off?OK;1...
The Closing Bell with Bernie's Buddies
Posted on November 06, 2009To: IkeFrom: ChuckIke-Let me make several points:1. Thank you again for picking up the check at dinner. Getting our mutual friends tax refunds, even if they weren't bonafide investors in Bernie's firm, is an important step towards re-building the nation's economy...
Monday's Madoff Madness
Posted on November 02, 2009From: Bernie "Midas" MadoffFirst, let me say thanks again to my friends at the SEC.What? Nobody could figure out why I included a "thank you to my friends at the SEC" within the tombstone on this blog since the very first day that I started rambling last December?Of course I couldn't know whether Howie E...
Trusting the Trustee
Posted on October 28, 2009From: Steve HarbeckPresident, SIPCFor those of you that tuned into our live show today, I trust that we made it clear to the media reporters attending the show that I'm the straight man in this team. Irv works for me; and SIPC--the insurance company that I preside over, pays Irv's bills...
All In The Family Part 3
Posted on October 26, 2009Dad:Even though we both smiled when you insisted these documents were bulletproof, I'm now finding myself in a tight spot with Preet.Sure, "dead men tell no lies" is a great line to use and it's a sure fire way to delay investigations into the next century, but here I am dealing with a bunch of key stone cops that want to be knocking on your door at 7 a...
Swimming With The Fishes in Palm Beach Pool: Dead Men Tell No Lies...
Posted on October 25, 2009From NanYou want my comment on what really happened to Jeff Picower today?? Ha!I'll give you a comment!He went for an old fashioned swim.Just like we used to say in the office every day; "Dead men tell no lies."N.B.
Bitter Sweet Reward For Bernie's Buddies
Posted on October 23, 2009From: Ken FeinbergTo: Bernie MadoffBernie:Please tell Ike Sorkin that we're doing everything that we can to make sure that the people at Butt Hole don't hold anything back re: any bonuses that you might be entitled to.Please keep in mind, even if Tim Geithner will need to provide a significant bailout of the SEC after Herrick's lawsuit against them is resolved, its going to be such a cluster-f--k when it comes time to figuring out who will be responsible for overseeing your particular compensation while you're in the custody of BOP...
Not All Madoff Madams Baring Up?
Posted on October 17, 2009To: StephanieFrom: Cathy and ShanaStef-For God's sake, Stef--get a hold of yourself!Even if the Post is notorious for fabricating stories, the last thing that you want to do is give anyone any reason to shine a light on any of us "Madoff Madams."And Stef, take it from someone that's known Mark alot longer than you have (after all, I'm his cousin, and I practically grew up with him...
Bernie's Banker The Boxer
Posted on October 14, 2009To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Jamie DimonBernie:Even if nobody should actually believe anything that comes out of the NY Post, its all about blocking with the left and jabbing with the right.Speaking of jabbing, how about those earnings that we reported this morning? Great, huh?That extra $250 million that we pulled out from your shop last September and put to work in other areas was a diamond in the rough of our BS (balance sheet!), and certainly came in handy...
Madoff The Marauder Fights The NY Post
Posted on October 13, 2009From: Bernie MadoffTo: Rich CalderAss't Muckraker, NY PostRich:Let's get something clear; the story that you just wrote, and the one that a bunch of other idiot news outlets have picked up on is as farcical and fabricated as the other "scoops" that your trash newspaper has published...
Madoff Affair Becomes A Family Affair
Posted on October 10, 2009To: Irv Picard, Esq.From: Rich Zabel, Esq.Chief of Criminal DivisionU.S. Attorney's OfficeSouthern District of New YorkWinner:US Attorney's AwardFor Distinguished ServiceDear Irv:Just a brief to estopp any more of your briefs.And, in case any one else might be pishing their briefs as a result of my new anointment, they might want to get themselves some ointment...
Stan Chais is Chased
Posted on October 07, 2009To: Irv PicardFrom: Stan ChaisIrv--Of course I moved money out of one of my accounts (or maybe it was a few of my accounts) as soon as I heard that Bernie was arrested!This should be a surprise?? Christ-you froze the big accounts over at Goldman months ago, and now I can't even pay my legal bills!Let me tell you something else; if you hadn't already "uncovered" this big fact: I'm dying...
Madoff Bankruptcy Trustee Tangos With Shana
Posted on October 05, 2009To: Irv Picard, Esq.From:Shana Madoff (Starkman), Esq.Dear Irv:Let me see if I get this straight: your suing me, to recover a lousy $10 million in salary that I was paid over a period of 10 years for doing my job, but you're not going after Jamie Dimon for "coincidentally" taking more than $250 million out of the firm just 4 months before all broke lose??OK...
Picking Noses and Splitting Hairs
Posted on October 02, 2009To: I. Picard, Esq.From: J. PicowerIrv-From one "picker" to another, and contrary to what you and I have talked about, there isn't any "$7 billion treasure chest" buried someplace. Not in my backyard anyway.The photo to the left was actually taken years ago, and it had nothing to do with Barbara and I "hiding" any loot; it was taken during a ground breaking ceremony for a $200 million medical facility that my wife and I provided the funds for...
Atonement from Andy
Posted on September 27, 2009To: Irv PicardFrom: Andrew MadoffIrv-It's the Day of Atonement for God's sake--and you're busy threatening to sue me?!You want to know what I have? The food in these f--king Food Emporium bags, that's what I have! There's even a ham sandwich in here someplace, so you can have that, if you want...
Bernie's Taking A Shvitz
Posted on September 23, 2009From: P.KonigsbergTo: I.PicardIrv-Mazel on the retainer! What with you earning out 3 points on the recovered assets, and now being in line to earn additional fees to administer pay outs to some of us, nobody should be surprised when they find out that it was you that bought the place in Montauk! Ha! Talk about irony, right?But, in all due respect, I was not only surprised, but very disappointed to learn just now that AlixPartners, the firm that you hired, managed to lose a laptop two months ago that has the names and social security #'s of 2000+ investors, including me, and Stan Chais's info...
Bharara on Bernie
Posted on September 17, 2009To: The Hon. Chuck SchumerFrom: Preet BhararaChuck-Were it not for you, I certainly would not have been appointed to the lofty job of US Attorney for the Southern District; so, as they say in the hand sanitizer business, one hand washes the other, obliging me to give you an update on matters that you have expressed interest in...
Bernie's Book Babe Turns Celeb
Posted on September 15, 2009To: CharondaFrom: Erin ArvedlundDear Charonda-Irv Picard forwarded me your note i.e. your availability to house-sit. While I don't have a mansion just yet, and my "crib" isn't quite Madoff-esque, I am in need of someone to watch my place while I tour the country promoting my new book...
Madoff Mansion House Sitting
Posted on September 11, 2009To: Irv Picard, Esq.From:Cheronda Guyton, Wells Fargo BankDear Mr. Picard:As you may be aware, my office provides house-sitting services for certain luxury properties that are in a temporary state of foreclosure or seizure.We're particularly well-versed in house-sitting Madoff-victim related properties...
Bernie's Bollywood
Posted on September 08, 2009To: I. Sorkin, Esq.From: Oliver StoneIke:I got into town last week to start shooting the sequel to "Wall Street." As last minute as it might be, we've come up with a great idea.I can offer you a walk-on cameo, or, given how good an actor you've proven to be, a scripted role...
Mark Madoff Laboring on Labor Day
Posted on September 04, 2009Dear DadI know that its been a while, but even though I can barely scrounge up the cash for a new can of shaving cream, I'm working on the "forgive and forget" stuff that you've been preaching about, and I thought I'd take a stab at it by sending you a note...
General Klotz Reporting In: Springtime with Bernie
Posted on September 03, 2009To: LindaFrom: General David KotzUS Securities & Change CommissionLinda:Since I'm hoping that I'll be following you into the private sector sooner rather later, I thought I'd reach out with a friendly hand..and don't worry this bottle in front of me helps to kill those swine around me...
Bernie's Back To School Thoughts
Posted on August 31, 2009OK..So now that everyone with a job has returned from the Hamptons, and now that I've answered about 10,000 pieces of fan mail over the past week, lets see if I can add some perspective.1. Andy-I told you to stay short out of the money calls. Its the split-strike approach...
Chasing Madoff
Posted on August 26, 2009To: Whom It May ConcernI'm smiling because it makes me laugh to pick up the "rags" and read ridiculous, out-of-context reports from "reporters" that are still writing that "Madoff stole $65 billion".Let's be clear about today's garbage referencing the purported $480 million that JPM "made" over the course of the past 10 years or so by administering accounts held by Bernard Madoff Investment Securities...
Dancing on Bernie's Grave??
Posted on August 24, 2009To you muckrakers and grave dancers that are all of a sudden so f--king intrigued with my health, of course I'm shvitzing in here!What? You don't have any sympathy after reading that I might be sick? I didn't think so.That's why I wouldn't talk to any of you people before, aside from little Erin Arvedlund anyway...
Clawbacks and Clunkers: Madoff Style
Posted on August 21, 2009To: Ray LaHoodFrom: Irv PicardRay:Mary Shapiro might have told you that I would be calling.I'm hoping that you can explain why my car dealer is now sending me an invoice for the $4500 rebate that was provided when I turned in my 10 year old Volvo and bought that new Escalade (the energy efficient model)...
Bernie's Babes Sticking Together
Posted on August 19, 2009To: Marcia C.From: Jodi C.Listen, this whole thing is falling down faster than Bernie's balls sack.I suppose that I should be happy that those keystone cops managed to overlook all of the postings that Bernie made on his blog about me since last December, but us girls need to stick together...
Madoff Mania Media: Ashton Kutcher Calls Out
Posted on August 19, 2009From: Ashton KutcherTo:Andrew MadoffMadoff Mania Media, LLCAndy:I might have been given the wrong info, but I was told you're the media guru in the family, and you're the guy that set up some type of a company to produce movies.That's fine...that means you 'get it', but I've got a better idea--and its one that's proven to be a big money maker...
Madoff's Midas Touch
Posted on August 18, 2009Sheryl:I'm so sorry that you felt scorned, but the fact is, I can barely even remember you. Based on what Erin has told me is in your 'tell-all', your tale is even taller than mine.And speaking of tails, other than "taking one for the team", why would I possibly have ever been interested in your's??This nonsense about your writing this garbage bag book "in the interest of all of the other investors"---What? Are you donating the $5000 advance you got to some special fund, or maybe you're sending your advance check to Irv Picard, so that he can re-distribute the proceeds??That's what I thought...
Madoff Women Scorned
Posted on August 17, 2009To: CathyFrom: DeborahLet me see if I can make something clear to you:1. That dead fish you're holding up is as slippery as the cod that you've been cozying up to ever since I filed the divorce papers. Well, we know you were doing more than that since well before I filed, but that's not the point...
Ruth Madoff, CPA
Posted on August 16, 2009Courtesy of my dear friend Jo, who's south of rinconTo: Irving Picard(Nastiest man in the known universe)From: Ruthie Alpern MadoffAttached please find my expenses over $100.My Fury, Humiliation and Heartbreak are free!August 15, 20091.House gift for Darling Cynthia...
Bernie's Babes: Chapter 2
Posted on August 13, 2009To: Sheryl WeinsteinFrom: Ben SilvermanSheryl, baby!Talk about balls!! I still have friends in the reality TV dept at NBC and after reading your story, well, what can I say??Your story might not sell in paperback, but I'm thinking of a soft-porn, "mature adult" type of program for HBO would be a real winnerFirst you swallow Bernie's 'stuff', then you suck in Hadassah's money, and tell every money manager that you've made the best investment for that group, and while you're busy getting screwed by Bernie, you screw him! (I'm guessing that you were on top, right?)...
My Gas is Getting Worse!
Posted on July 09, 2009You know, I'm getting fed up hearing about all of the ingrate kids running around.If I thought that maybe, for one second, Mark and Andy might have a legitimate reason to turn away from me, I might be able to understand. But, not only have they dissed me, they've treated their mother as if she were dead...
Girls Doing Lunch
Posted on July 09, 2009To: ShanaFrom: LoriI'm only guessing that you still have the list of wedding gifts that you received, and that you'll recall how generous I was.After all, I selected from your Bergdof Bridal registry, and considering my government salary, well... I think you get the point...
Its a Sonny Day
Posted on July 05, 2009Sure, while you're all baking in the sun, I'm getting blisters on my butt, but worse still, a bunch of you know-nothings are blistering my family.If Artie Nadel weren't shvitizing and whining like a stuck pig, I'd take the time to tell you what I really think, and who I really am...
Reminiscings from Ruth
Posted on July 03, 2009If those Nazi bastards can storm troop their way into my home, lock me out, and steal everything, including my underwear, then I can use the photos that someone--whoever you are--stole from my home, and somehow sold to Getty Images.You probably don't even remember this photo, Andy...
Mark's Messaging Campaign
Posted on July 01, 2009To: Mark MadoffFrom: Erin ArvedlundI'm guessing that you already know who I am. Not because I'm the reporter that's famous for peering into windows in order to get a story (by the way, I really do love your place in Nantucket--but those boxers of your's need to go!)...
Trust Us on This
Posted on July 01, 2009To: Lee RichardsFrom: Irv PicardRE: Sentencing Contest ClaimsLee-Let's not get into a pissing contest about who should oversee the claims that are pouring in re: the sentencing contest. Even if you think that I've got my hands full with the bankruptcy claims, I can handle this as well...
The Contest Results Are In!! Please Process..
Posted on June 30, 2009To: Madoff Sentencing Lottery Deptcc: B. MadoffFrom: J. PicowerAndy- I'm guessing that you're the one that's tallying the votes for the contest, and I wanted to let you know that we submitted our entry this morning. Given the hundreds of account entries for this program, I'm sure it will be easy to back date accordingly...
NBC Scores Madoff Deal..
Posted on June 29, 2009To: BernieFrom: BenBernie, baby!Listen, now that the votes are pouring in, its obvious that you're one popular guy, and the ratings are going through the roof!I even put down a $20 on 20!But, I know that you've got a lot on your mind and your practicing your lines, and that today is going to be hectic, but let's firm up a deal before breakfast New York time...
Last Chance To Vote
Posted on June 29, 2009Yo, An-drew..See this wad in my hand?Its 9.05, and I'm putting ten large down on 20.If you short me when it comes to paying out, I'm going to give you a real life lesson in b-slapping.To my brothers--shift to the right and place a bet.50 cent
Post Sentencing Sentence from Judge Denny
Posted on June 29, 2009To: DannyOwner, Sable'sFrom: DennyHonorable Cousin:Thank you so much for sending the nova and bagels this morning. The package was a true source of guidance and provided me the energy to make a difficult choice.To: David G.From: Judge DennyI must inform you that you cannot continue to represent to potential investors that you have the rights to produce my life story...
Ruth Votes on Bernie's Sentencing
Posted on June 26, 2009Andrew-I don't think this was funny at all. When you told me that I had to "race out and vote" on your father's sentencing, of course I had to take the subway downtown; the traffic on 65 and Lex. was ridiculous and I told the driver to let me out.If I didn't know better, I'd say you planned the whole thing, just like your father, the "brilliant planner"...
Let The Sentencing Games Begin
Posted on June 25, 2009As the real trader in the family, and for all of you option trading quants, algo alchemists, market-making mavens, and sentencing guideline guru?s, this is to let you know that we've teamed up with Finalternatives.com to invite you to take out your calculators and party in a prediction pool unlike any other...
Bernie's Best
Posted on June 25, 2009To: IraFrom: RuthRE: RSVPIra, dear-I've decided not to attend the event on Monday; I simply have no interest in yet another media circus.But, I called David Neff at Trillion, and after I insisted that the outstanding bill could be satisfied by another mention on Bernie's Blog, and perhaps we'd give him a discount on ad space, he had Tanya pick out a lovely ensemble for Bernie...
Who Moved The Soap Before Sentencing??
Posted on June 24, 2009To Dad:From: Andy Not sure if you saw this yet..Good work! Prisons Bar Alcohol Hand Sanitizers, Bernie Madoff Requests Soapopular?s Alcohol-Free, Fragrance Free New York, NY (AP)--While Correctional facilities in Canada and the US have prohibited alcohol-based hand sanitizers for several years, the Swine Flu crisis has spotlighted the issue throughout the North American prison industry...
Sentencing Stimulas
Posted on June 24, 2009To: Tim GeithnerFrom: HarryTim:Thanks again for lunch last week, and for seeking my input.As I've stated before, the SEC's constipation is the root of the financial chaos that's resulted from Mr. Mad-off's misbehaving. Which explains why Herrick Feinstein has recruited me as an expert in their litigation...
If its Tuesday, it must be time for Ira. Or "Ike". Whatever.
Posted on June 23, 2009Yes, this is Attorney Sorkin calling to speak with Mr. Madoff.Yes, I'll hold.Yes, I understand that he's a bit twitchy lately, and that he wants to get his Soapopular before he picks up the phone.Yes, Officer, I know that you're all very grateful that he provided several hundred cases to the Correctional Officer Canteen at a special discounted rate, so that you can all have a life time supply...
The Gang's All Here.
Posted on June 22, 2009To: MarciaFrom: BobSweetheart, before you kvetch to your Dad again, keep in mind that you're the son that he never had.Well, sort of.In any case, this latest case is nothing to get yourself tied up about. Unless you're into that kind of stuff.Do I look upset? As Mikey Beans says, "This is easy peasy...
Yes I (Don't) See Said the SEC (Blind Man)
Posted on June 22, 2009To: DadFrom: MarciaSince there's no way the SEC could have filed a complaint so quickly after spending less than an hour with "Uncle Bernie" last week, I'm telling you that your pal Sonny Delaire is behind this. How else do you explain the fact that his name isn't on SEC lawsuit that was just filed?And what about "sweet little Shana"?? Don't you realize what she's doing?? Dad, do I need to tell you everything??And that piece of crap Dipascali is sitting on his boat laughing at both of us right now!I suppose the only good news is that I moved the apt into E...
Father's Day Fricasee; Borowitz on Bernie
Posted on June 20, 2009To: DadFrom: Mark and AndyRemember when this picture was taken? Wow. It seems like yesterday. Who could forget? Not Suzanne--she actually recovered the photo from a box in the basement, and she thought you'd like it as a Father's Day gift. Andy says that Debbie has her own copy of the same photo in a frame and that its hanging next to a framed copy of the title to her house...
Ruth..Losing Track of Days...But Still Driving The Train
Posted on June 18, 2009Dear Diary,It was a year ago today that we were all together, enjoying the beautiful weather at The Beach. I remember that weekend as if it were yesterday.Shana brought over a design layout for her new house in East Hampton, and Mark was showing us the decorator's plan for his new house in Nantucket...
To: BernieFrom: David F.As much
Posted on June 17, 2009To: BernieFrom: David F.As much as your 'boy' Frankie is hoping to stare me down so that I stay in line, the fact is my clock is ticking.Sure, we all know that the "pros" had a deadline of today to either shit or get off the pot, but as your "boy" Frankie has figured out, deadlines get pushed back...
General Kotz: My Hands Are Tied!
Posted on June 16, 2009TO: B. FrankFrom: Gen. David Kotz,US Securities & ExchangeBarney:As you know, I'm a General. That means that I only take orders from my commanding officer, and right now, it doesn't appear that my commanding officer is on Capitol Hill.Though I greatly appreciate the support that you've provided, I'm getting a lot of flak from people that expect me to be providing reports in triplicate...
Can You Complete A Sentence, Please?
Posted on June 16, 2009To: The Honorable D.ChinUS Federal CourtSouthern DistrictFrom: M. MadoffRE: SentencingDear Judge Chin:On behalf of myself and brother, I know that you've been inundated with letters and videos from people that want to impress you with their misfortunes in the course of your determining a jail sentence on my Dad...
Ruth's Sunday Puzzle
Posted on June 14, 2009Dear Diary,I'm depressed this weekend.It's lonely. Maybe I should get a puppy or a pussy cat. Then again, I hate cats. So does Bernie.Summer in New York is a horrible time, and it's hot and boring.I wish I were in the Hamptons, but so do a lot of other people, and they appear to survive...
Picard Commissions: Eat What You Kill
Posted on June 12, 2009To: Lawrence Velvel, Esq.Dean,Massachussets School of LawFrom: Irv Picard, Esq.Dean, Madoff BankruptcyDear Larry:I read with great interest the most recent pontification on your blog, and your concerns about the compensation that I will be receiving in connection with the thankless job that I have been given...
Girls Do Lunch
Posted on June 12, 2009To: ShanaFrom: Aunt Ruth Darling Girl, How I have longed to hear from you during this terrible period we all have been through. You know you were always my spiritual " daughter" more than my niece. My daughters-in-law ( well only the one now,) were never exactly, you know, my type...
Good Will Branding
Posted on June 11, 2009Dear Auntie Ruth:I realize that its been some time since we had dinner, but I wanted to let you know that you're not missing a thing out here in E.Hampton.The weather has been for shit for the last week; the only good part is that none of those media people have been snooping around, and I'm finally getting a chance to relax and connect with friends...
Over The Hump
Posted on June 10, 2009To: DadFrom: Mark (your Son!)After Shana's husband emailed me and said that his friends at SEC have been sitting on the edge of their seats for the past two days waiting for a fresh blog, it would seem that Nan is falling behind on making sure that your "statements" get sent out properly...
Obama's Choice for Supreme Court..
Posted on June 08, 2009From: Barry Lax, Esq.To: The Honorable Burt LiflandUS Bankruptcy CourtSouthern DistrictYour Honor:Some less informed people would like to believe that certain plantiff lawyers are in the practice of suing ham sandwiches. This is not the case in this case...
Another PR Predicament
Posted on June 06, 2009To: Mark Madoff From: George Sard Sard Verbinnen & Co. Mark: I think its time that we had a meeting of the minds. That necessarily means that you should leave Andy at home. We've done a good job so far by keeping our relationship under the radar screen; and if people want to think that Eric Starkman is whispering in your ear, so be it...
Morton's Madoff Auction. All For a Great Cause!
Posted on June 05, 2009To Mom:From: AndyRE: Morton's Gift CertificateCathy reminded me that I forgot to thank you for the birthday present. Who wouldn't want a $250 Gift Certificate to Morton's??I didn't mention anything before only because I figured that your phones were tapped by those idiots, and I was actually worried about someone finding out, and then Picard trying to claw it back...
All Tied Up In a Bow
Posted on June 05, 2009To: AndyFrom: Frank D.I don't want you to start crying, but your Daddy might want to add this photo to his pin-up collection. This is the one that I had actually found taped to the wall in the executive washroom on 17, and I took the liberty of decorating my boat with it...
Madoff Mailbag
Posted on June 03, 2009From: Judge Denny ChinTo: All my wonderful friends.Including my cousins, and the other boys over at Sable's!I just wanted to let everyone know that I've only received 3 victim impact statements to-date, and it's imperative that anyone that thinks they have a sad story to tell, send them in by 6/10...
How Many Days Left?
Posted on June 03, 2009From : Andy's Dad To: Cathy Hooper Sweetie- Thanks much for the pin-up photo! Its a big hit here at MCC, although this cry baby Art Nadel starts to drool every time he walks by and looks into your photo on my wall. Speaking of cry babies, tell my son that he should only be so thoughtful!! Come, tell me what's new, and you can sit on my lap when you visit! I'll tell you all kinds of stories about how to catch the really big fish, not the little pishes...
Moving is a Bitch
Posted on June 01, 2009To: I. Sorkin, Esq.From: Herb Hoelter, Esq.Thanks for facilitating the deposit check. Was that Ruth's signature in liptstick?As you know, the sentencing process can be tricky, and as much as your client's feeder funds took pride in making guarantees, there are no guarantees when it comes to the facility that Bernie might get remanded to...
Who Has Bernie's Balls??!!
Posted on May 30, 2009Peter Dear,Thank you for getting Bernie's clubs.What he thinks he is going to do with them, I can't imagine. Although the "new place" supposedly has golf..and tennis! Just as long as Ike remembers not to put his first choice at the top of the list..big mistake...
Bernie's Balls
Posted on May 30, 2009To: BernieFrom: PeteI did what Ruth asked, and I drove over to Fresh Meadows to try to get your clubs out of the locker room, but some stupid prick insisted that unless I bought a bunch of those ridiculous golf balls, they wouldn't let me take the clubs...
Mid Day With Bernie..Handsome and Handy!
Posted on May 28, 2009So, once again, everyone's been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for my next update.I'd have posted yesterday, but they put this nut job Art Nadel in the cell next to mine, and he's been whining and crying so much lately, I can barely concentrate...
Say Nothing When You Have Nothing To Say..
Posted on May 26, 2009To: BernieFrom: Paul K.I'm a big believer in "when you don't have anything to say, don't say it.." Which explains my relative lack of silence. With the exception of the lawsuit that we're filing against Morgenthau's wife.Instead, I just wanted to drop you a line and advise that all is well...
Ruthie on a Roll!
Posted on May 24, 2009Dear Diary,Dr. Friedman ( the Shrink for Talking- not the Shrink for Meds, or the New Shrink for Family Relationships),thinks I need to have more structure to my days, plus he thinks I need to make some money.I've never done that before, except for investing Mommy and Daddy's money, but I've always loved a challenge...
Musings from One Marc to Another
Posted on May 24, 2009To Mark MadoffFrom: Marc PeyserSenior Editor, NewsweekMark-I don't know you, and from everything that I've read, I don't think that I want to know you.I've heard you've been doing plenty of whining lately, and that you've been spending most of your time feeling sorry for yourself...
Bernie's Memories on Memorial Weekend
Posted on May 23, 2009I might not remember why I decided to pay Frankie DiPascali $3million a year--or why I took Sonny Delaire with me on that trip to Switzerland, or even what we gave to Shana and her shagetz husband from the SEC for their wedding gift...but I do remember asking Janey Wells if she could get me a clip of this...
A Solution is At Hand!
Posted on May 21, 2009To:The Honorable Burton LiflandBankruptcy Court,Southern District of New Yorkcc:Irving Picard, Esq.From: Andrew Levander, Esq.cc: M. Tannenbaum, Esq.cc: P. Konigsbergcc: S. Twardy, Esq.cc: W. Zabel, Esq.cc: E. Licker, Esq.RE: Relief to Madoff Victims / Solution At HandGentlemen:This is to advise you that I've been appointed spokesperson for a consortium of "ham sandwich servers" representing various parties that have found themselves improperly maligned, despite having lost considerable sums of investor and personal money...
Diamonds in The Rough
Posted on May 21, 2009To: Stacey GiuliantiFrom: John StaffordCEO, Stafford Diamonds Inc.cc: B. MadoffStacey:If you don't know who I am--I'm the go-to guy in the diamond business, and while I've been hearing about all of the people down in Florida that are allowing themselves to be ripped off by unsavory jewelry dealers, even after their debacle with Bernie's firm, I just read about your coup and all I can say is : Kudos...
Franks, Beans, and Suing Ham Sandwiches
Posted on May 20, 2009To :Mikey Beans- From: Bernie Hey--for a guy that says "Easy Peasy"..me calling you "Mikey Beans", the name we used back in the old days-- isn't such a big deal. Beans, Bee-enes--...whatever.. So, I'm thinking..what with all of these ham sandwiches so busy suing the other ham sandwiches, and Tannenbaum's shop getting more profits from their criminal defense practice than their corporate law group--all thanks to some of the other fellas---well, I'm thinking about Frank and Beans--the friends that I started out with from the very beginning...
Birthday Greetings from the Boys
Posted on May 18, 2009Mom-Far be it from me to have forgotten your birthday!Dad always insisted that we focus on catching whales, but since Abel Automatics only makes fly fishing gear, and Urban Anglers doesn't sell the kind of bait that would attract woppers like the Merkin Marauder, the best I could do under the circumstances was the beauty in the photo to the right...
Bernie: Its MY birthday! And I'll cry if I want to!
Posted on May 18, 2009Dear Diary,I guess it's YOUR birthday too, because I've been keeping my diary since I met Bernie over 50 years ago. He was magical then. After the first few years, he was manageable, then malleable. Then he became incorrigible...
Birthday Wishes To Ruth From Bernie
Posted on May 18, 2009Ruth darling-It seems like yesterday, when you were my sweet underage sweetheart. I even remember the first birthday present that I got for you. Who would have thought it would have grown in value so much! We've had so many great birthdays together, and a few sad ones--but you should celebrate every day like its your birthday--just like always!That nice boy Abby--the shvartza pirate from Somali--and a few others here were kind enough to make a cake for you...
Let them eat cake!
Posted on May 18, 2009To: Irving PicardFrom: Carl ShapiroDear Irv:I might be 95 years old, but I can still read!!I can't speak for Jeff Picower or Stanley Chais, but your accusations are nothing short of mind-boggling, even if my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be.When I ask for extra mustard on a pastrami sandwich, is this a crime?? When I tell my tailor to put in a special pocket on my trousers, is this a crime? Of course not!But, does this look like the face of someone that would tell his investment manager what kind of returns should be displayed on my personal statements??And if I was as smart as you claim I am, and if I had known that Bernie was up to no good, why would I have sent him a check for $250 million just two weeks before he shit the bed???Here's what I'm thinking: all of those resources that the government has to investigate might be better used to figure out whether those SEC investigators were using inside information to trade for their personal accounts!! Or instead of chasing after Chais, me, and a few other people that get the "over 80 discount" when we go to the movies, maybe someone should be chasing after all of that FART money that went up in smoke!!!!Listen Irv--I might be an "old cocker", but I've given more money to charitable causes and needy people than anybody else in the world--except for maybe Bill Gates...
Madoff Family Returns..
Posted on May 15, 2009To: Irving PicardFrom: Mark MadoffRE: Your LetterIrv-In reply to your recent letters to various members of my family--the one where you requested that we each chip in and send some money back--I can only respectfully suggest that request is a waste of time...
Bernie's Billionaire Buddies Speak Out
Posted on May 14, 2009To: BernieFrom Jeff & Barbara PicowerFirst-we both want to say that Eleanor, Frankie D. , JoAnne and your other staff have always been very accomodating anytime we ever needed anything.Moving around billions of dollars is complicated business-and thank God that Paul provided some good advice along the way...
Don't Ask Don't Tell and Don't Watch
Posted on May 12, 2009Sure, you all came by yesterday to visit me and what happened? Did I disappoint you people at "SEC"?? Or my favorite fans at Stone Point??So what can I say, but I'm sorry..I was too busy sending out account statements for the Soapopular stock purchases!!Well, like I always say--forgive and forget the disappointments...
Bernie's Babes and Bobbles
Posted on May 12, 2009To: BernieFrom: EnricaWhy everyone is suddenly asking who I am, considering you've been "kind" enough to have mentioned me for months on your stupid blog is beyond me.No, I'm not about to sell my story to VF like Elly did...its not like I forgot how to sign checks, and its not like those morons from the SEC got hold of all the check books...
Happy Mother's Day From The Madoff's
Posted on May 09, 2009From: Shana MadoffOn behalf of the entire Madoff family, I've been asked to extend a personal greeting to all of you Mothers that are following our saga.These are difficult times for us all, and thank God that Mr. Picard has finally figured out how hard it is on many of us, and allowing some of us to submit hardship claims to his office so that our checks can be rushed out to us...
Enough is Not Enough!!
Posted on May 08, 2009To: BernieFrom: EzraFirst, I need you stop calling Irving Picard a "nose picker". I've got enough tsuris with this kid Cuomo.All your nutty blog postings have put a magnifying glass on me, and now people are saying I look like the goniff to the left...
Bernie's Breaking Balls
Posted on May 07, 2009This is like last f--king October, when the market was crashing and the phones were ringing off the hook with everyone wanting to know if their money was safe with us...and now everyone's coming to see what I have to say about the clip below and that crazy memo from that guy Mike Slattery to Irving the Nose Picker Picard...
Madoff Stress Tests
Posted on May 06, 2009From: 50centTo: My White Boy, AndyMy money's on you bro'--well, what I mean to say is, I'm looking for my money from you, bro. And I'm thinking its on you. Maybe in your crib, maybe in your "beemer"...But now I'm looking to you to square things up...
Weekened With (out) Bernie
Posted on May 02, 2009To: AndyFrom: Your FatherI might have missed something, but Ira told me that your brother told him that Starkman made it clear to everyone that you kids need to keep a low profile, and I thought it was understood that the b-slapping bullshit would come to an end!Here I am, turning down people that are demanding a piece of Soapopular's stock, and I hear that you're galavanting around the East Side at fancy restaurants and getting into a slapping contest with that kid Abend...
My Brother Bernie--Its About Time!!!
Posted on April 30, 2009Bernie-Well, now you're an even bigger macha than you were yesterday. Time Magazine's Top 100 Most Famous. Just click on the link to see where you rank.Funny, right? You were so pissed off that you didn't make the cover years ago for "revolutionizing the world of stock trading", and now here you are, right next to Jamie Dimon...
Belated Best Birthday To Bernie
Posted on April 30, 2009Bernie, You Adorable Little Belated Birthday Boy, How brave you are. Pretending that Abby Muse, the Somalian guy baked you that Martha Stewart level lady finger, whipped cream shortcake with perfectly placed fresh raspberries!. You SILLY! I really, really tried to get a cake sent over from Greenberg Desserts ( the dark chocolate with that fabulous frosting), but apparently sending cakes to, um, a House of Corrections, is an old joke of some kind...
Bernie's Belated Birthday
Posted on April 29, 2009Sure..everyone came to my blog yesterday to wish me a happy birthday and was hoping to hear the day's latest update.So, for the muckrakers that didn't have their daily dose of tips so they can have something to write about, what can I say?How about FU?1...
Like Bernie Says: Keep Your Mouth Shut
Posted on April 28, 2009To: Gary LewiRubenstein AssociatesFrom: Eric StarkmanStarkman & Co.RE: KonigsbergGary, Gary Gary-I feel like Ari Emanuel when I say, "anytime you're ready to jump ship, we've got a place for you.." But only if you follow our rules.First, you people are hired by the Noels to paint pictures, and because you had them yapping and putting themselves 'out there', they subsequently get hit with civil fraud charges...
Smart Steps for Sanitizing
Posted on April 27, 2009I've always said "Money isn't everything; as long as you have your health, that's what counts."And what with this "Swine Flu", to those knuckleheads that are saying "use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer..", trust me when I say that they don't know what they're talking about...
Sunday Brunch with Bernie's oldest little Madoff
Posted on April 26, 2009Dad, You are really all over the place trying to control us from YOUR CELL. Does it look like I'm in a place where I want to be controlled?? Between the control stuff, the twitching issues, and the OCD--Andy is calling it Over the Counter Disorder (did I tell you that he's now into comedy writing?), I'm thinking about not even going to your blog anymore...
Toast, Rolls and Butter from Bernie
Posted on April 25, 2009To Jim & NickFrom: BernieEven though I stopped drinking a long time ago, I suppose I should toast you for spending so much time on my blog while you gathered research material for your article. And I suppose I need to talk to Stanley Bing about pointing you to the blog...
Let's be Frank..
Posted on April 24, 2009To: Irving PicardFrom: Alan NisselsonIrv:I've been on this file for less than a week, but I have to tell you, I've never seen such a cluster-f@#k in my entire career!We've got two different judges, God-knows how many clawyers, and how many lawsuits flying around faster than this new Avian Flu virus...
Bongriorno Mi Amore
Posted on April 23, 2009Everybody's saying..."Bernie--tell me something that other people don't know. Well, if I did too much of that, then I'd not only f--k up the conversations with that kid Silverman, but I'd also be confusing the feds, and they're confused enough as it is...
The Real Deal..
Posted on April 23, 2009Goddamn line in the library kept me standing around here for two hours! And God only knows what kind of germs are being left on the f--king computer keyboard...its disgusting! But anyway..Ruth: Remember when they were kids, and you took Mark and Andy shopping at the Elliot Shop on Miracle Mile for summer camp uniforms, and they were both crying and making a scene? And you said that you wanted to just leave them there...
Andy Analyzes.....
Posted on April 22, 2009To: DadFrom: AndyYou're getting crazy??!!What do you think I've had to put up with?? Everybody's thinking I'm "insensitive" and "standoff-ish". And that "b-slapping" nonsense??Do you think its easy for any of us right now? Does that photo look like I'm partying my brains out??And Dad, unless you've made some kind of deal that wipes the slate clean on those loans that Mom made to Mark and me, no more references to "last spring"...
Musing about the new Muse..
Posted on April 22, 2009You people are making me crazy. Ira-take a note; when it comes time for sentencing, and after you get the delays, you need to explain that I've been twitching like a fucking Energizer Bunny what with all of this mishegos.1. There's a kid named Abby Muse that just moved into the room next to mine...
911 From Dad
Posted on April 21, 2009TO: MarkFrom: Dad.And don't say "Dad, Who??"I want you to go right over to your mother's house. You haven't seen her in a while, so I included the picture to the right to remind you.Do not stop for coffee or a spliff, and get her calmed down. Whatever it takes; Valium, Xanax, a double dose of both defibs, anything...
Madoff Mullls Media Marriage With Allen Stanford
Posted on April 21, 2009To Bernard Madoff:From: Allen StanfordBernie-No thanks to you, and your loud mouth son, now my credit cards don't work either. Back in Feb, your smart ass son was credited with shining a spot light on me, and for the the past two months, the dickheads at SEC have been shining their little flashlights on everything and anything...
Ruth's Got A Buzz for Bernie!!
Posted on April 20, 2009Sorry for reading your mail, darling.But. you know how much you've relied upon me to edit the stuff that comes in.I tried to make a 420 deadline on this message, but if those references that Silverman made had to do with the stuff that Jimmy Cayne stunk up our boat with, well...
Madoff Media LLC ...The Next Generation..
Posted on April 20, 20094.20 From: Ben Silverman Co-Chairman, NBC Entertainment To: Mark Madoff cc: Bernie Madoff RE: Proposals Gentlemen: The poetic irony of today's date shouldn't cause Andy to get the wrong idea when he's busy banging out story ideas, and if Don Trump's message to you over the weekend didn't strike a chord, you can see by the poster on the wall behind me, I'm serious about this...
It's a Sonny Weekend! Enjoy It..while you can..
Posted on April 19, 2009To: Sonny Cohn, CEO Cohmad SecuritiesFrom: BernieSonny, stop with the shvitzing. And tell Marcia to strap some on and get tough.The sheister lawyer that's suing Delaire is wasting everyone's time. Trust me, that doctor is being taken for a ride by an ambulance chaser! Schulman is going to get more "satisfaction" if he were to just bend over and gives himself an enema...
Trump Offers A Hand to Madoff Family
Posted on April 18, 2009To: Mark MadoffFrom: Donald Trumpcc: Ben Silverman, NBCMark:Ben Silverman over at NBC asked me to extend a hand to you, your lovely cousin Shana, and your pisher brother.Ben is a very dear friend, and he's very smart. He knows that if anybody knows anything about branding, its me...
Boggling, Just Totally Boggling!
Posted on April 17, 2009Art Nadel and I were playing backgammon last night, and all we could say after sharing stories about how we wound up in this place is .."This is mind-boggling!"We didn't gab, but we did follow the rules of GABS--Generally Accepted Business Standards; just like the people over at Goldman did when they changed their year-end date and somehow, the $1billion hit they took in December didn't actually work into their latest earnings release...
A Little Birdie for Bernie
Posted on April 17, 2009To: BernieFrom: SonnyWell, now you've gone and done it again. All you have to do is click on the damn photo to understand what I mean.You told me and Sonny Cohn that everything was always kosher!No, we didn't invest our 'commissions' with you, but what does that have to do with anything?? Neither did your friend Ezra, and neither did Walter Noel...
Kissing Cousins-To Shana
Posted on April 16, 2009To: ShanaFrom: MarkLook into my eyes and tell me that you don't think I'm serious when I remind you what Starkman has told all of us--NO talking to anyone. I don't give a shit that your Dad's Aston-Martin just had one of those Denver Boots attached to it...
NBC Proposes Real Deal For Bernie & Co.
Posted on April 15, 2009To: Shana Madoff, Esq.From: Ben SilvermanCo-Chairman, NBC Entertainmentcc: J.Zuckercc: E. StarkmanShana, Baby!I got your cell from Zucker, and he got it from Janey Wells, and she got it from...well, you can probably guess where. Anyway, if you don't know me, I'm the Czar here at NBC in charge of Reality TV, and I think we should be talking...
Girls Talking About Tips and Polking Around..Yes I See
Posted on April 15, 2009To: Ms. Shana Madoff, Esq.From: Ms. Linda Thomsen, Esq.Partner, Davis PolkShana-I've been reading about all of the proposals that are coming in to you and the boys, and since we go way back, I just wanted to give you a tip (we know about tips, right?) and that I'm over at Davis Polk now...
Special Arrangements
Posted on April 14, 2009To: PeterFrom: From Your Brother. You Know Who.RE: SeekingArrangement.comIt seems that every time I turn around in here, which isn't either safe or easy to do, I'm hearing about some other problem going on outside with the family.While Ira is busy trying to get special arrangements for everyone, Walter sent me a note telling me that not only is one of his daughters shopping for a "Sugar Daddy"on some crazy on-line site, but that he found YOUR f--king profile on her laptop!!!What could you possibly be thinking??? Just because the asset freeze was lifted, you really think its a good idea to be trolling around on the internet and trying to snatch some snatch?? And, of all people to hook up with!!?? Christ almighty--with the money that family made from us, these kids need you, of all people, to be a "sugar daddy"??This is something I'd have expected from Andy--maybe even Mark, but not you!Oy...
Warming Up..Just Like Bernie Said It Would..
Posted on April 13, 2009What every one has been shvitzing about it is beyond me. Those meshugenah judges in CT racing around with their freezing this and freezing that--well, like I said, no legal argument to support that stupid idea, so the freeze was thawed out two hours ago...
Bernie Back On Base..Its All About The Brand!
Posted on April 13, 2009OK-So now everyone's heard that Madoff's Mets tickets scored a home run on the electronic auction; $500 face value seats went for $3750 each!Who do you think told Nose Picker Picard to put the tix on eBay?? That was MY idea. After all, I'm the f--king former Chairman of NASDAQ, and if anybody knows how to get something to trade up on a screen, its me...
Feeding On Bankruptcy
Posted on April 11, 2009By Order of The United States Bankruptcy Court Southern District April 11, 2009 It is hereby ordered that any proceeds from Easter Egg Hunts sponsored or promoted by any feeders, frivolous agents, enablers or associates of those that may have received as much as $1 Billion in fees relating to investments in Bernard Madoff Investment Securities shall be subject to forfeiture...
Bernie's Advice For Easter Egg Hunts
Posted on April 10, 2009Ok, so its Easter-- and, as Walter Noel always told me, the goyim love doing their little Easter Egg Hunts.And one thing that Ezra had always reminded me is that eggs, by themselves, are completely kosher.So a few years ago, I had one of my Madoff Midas great ideas...
Bernie's Easter Egg
Posted on April 10, 2009What? You think I don't appreciate that today is Good Friday and that Easter is this Sunday??Who do you think had to explain to Walter Noel and his family that Jesus was a Jew??Oy.. I'm thinking today should be a day of rest for all of the feds that have been busy coming in, so I'm going to be busy on eBay trying to the get the Mets tickets back...
Bernie Burps Back
Posted on April 09, 2009From: Inmate #61727-054:To: Mrs. Ruth Madoff,I must tell the whole world how proud I am of you for going to Ezra's last night.Too bad you couldn't fit one those Rothko's in one your Birkins! They should be honored that you're still socializing with them considering...
Madoff Family Victimized
Posted on April 09, 2009From: AndyTo: DadThe Seder dinner at Ezra's was a joke. Since I was the youngest, it was me that searched for the matzoh, and what do I get?? A copy of Ezra's BMIS brokerage statement with a f--king measly $2 milllion balance, along with a note that says "Call Jodi if you want to withdraw...
I'm Shedding Some Light...
Posted on April 08, 2009Between all of the crap that's gone on the past few days, its time for me to shed some light.For you goyim that didn't know it, today isn't just the first day of Passover--you know--the holiday where all of your houses get hit by a plague for the sins you made by bashing the Hebrew people-- today is a day that happens only once every 28 years...
Ruth Passing By On Passover
Posted on April 08, 2009Bernie Sweetheart, I'm getting ready to go to Ezra's for the Seder--but wanted to drop you this note. I actually don't even want to go, but Ezra sounded lonely on the phone and insisted that we come by. I'm bringing Esmeralda to taste test, just in case...
Mark The New Matriarch??
Posted on April 06, 2009Dad-Even with North Korea blasting nukes into space, it seems that the media can't stop focusing on us.While you're cooling your heels, Uncle Pete's become as frozen as a Popsicle, and Mom, contrary to what she blogged on your blog, was actually caught shoplifting in the Neiman's down in Boca...
Ruth Returns
Posted on April 06, 2009Dear Diary, I finally did it. It took all my courage, but I went to see Bernie at that terrible place this afternoon.It took forever for the car to get that far downtown. All of those idiot reporters were busy chasing after Ezra, so nobody even knew I was back in town...
Midas is STILL The Madoff Matriarch
Posted on April 06, 2009Mark, Sometimes I can't believe you are really our kid. I thought Andy was always the slow one.Ezra's been trying to get his fat ass in to see me for the past two days, and all you can think about is yourself?? Mom and I are not having "issues"...
Ezra's Irked-More Finger Pointing...Oy!
Posted on April 06, 2009From: EzraTo: BernieThere aren't enough plagues that can attack your tush right now.1. You and your sons and your meshugenah blog! You didn't learn what happens when you let your smart ass sons post about 'upcoming events"??First your little pisher Andrew tells the world about that goniff Alan Stanford, and a week later, the guy's name and photograph are on the front page of BusinessWeek, and three days after that, he's charged with who knows what by the SEC...
Brotherly Love: From Bernie
Posted on April 05, 2009To: Peter MadoffFrom: Bernard Madoff #61727-054: I love you, but You're a SHMUCK! Remember who it is that's sitting in a cell at the MCC?? That would be me - your brother, your OLDER brother. The one who made you and everyone else Rich Beyond Their Wildest Dreams...
Ruth Reserves Her Rights..
Posted on April 05, 2009Bernie, Not That I Owe You An Explanation, considering... So some bitch whose name I do not know "says" she "sighted" me shopping at Neiman's in Boca! First of all, if this nameless woman victim lost "all her money", what was SHE doing at Neimans?? Ha! Second of all, not only have they have SEIZED my house, which was supposed to be mine forever, almost all my Florida clothes were in there, so of course I needed to pick some things up...
Madoff's Guide On How To Get By on Only $10k/Month
Posted on April 04, 2009Bernie-You and your f--king blog.Like a good "little brother", I've followed you around like a butler for 30 years, and I made sure that the chairs and desks in your office, the plane, and your god damned boat were clean enough to lick.If Annette forgot to clean the dust off the printer cartridges, who the f--k do you think took out the little toothbrush to wipe them clean??Who do you think wiped the boogers off the arm rests on YOUR private plane???!!!What did I get?? One f--king point???? Sure, I've got the McMansions here and in Palm Beach, but when did I get to enjoy them??Remember--it was me doing the cleaning, and me shlepping to those f--king STA conferences to press the flesh and have cocktails and dinners with everyone in the industry...
MA Lawmaker Seizes Bernie's Blog-Beantown Barrister Gets Frank
Posted on April 03, 2009From:The Honorable William Galvin, Massachusetts Secretary of State To: All Visitors To This Blog In connection with ongoing investigations into civil matters being prosecuted by the State of Massachusetts, this blog has been officially seized by order of William Galvin, Massachusetts Secretary of State...
Ruth Rips Bernie Another One...
Posted on April 02, 2009To: Prisoner #61727-054From: His WifeAfter the shock I had when I was in the girls room at Publix, and overheard about your interview with that bitch from CNBC, even the damn defib wouldn't have been able to get me off that rancid floor.Fortunately, Nancy and Al were kind enough to pick me up, and who did I run in to when we pulled into the driveway??Obviously my keys don't work now, and whatever moron lawyer that you and your half-wit brother hired to take care of the Homestead thing should be sued for malpractice...
Clowns To The Left....Jokers To The Right
Posted on April 02, 2009To: Walter NoelCEO, Fairfield Greenwich GroupFrom: Jeff TuckerFirst- I don't like the way Andre is looking at me. If anybody's behaved like a horse's ass, its him. I told you that he should have been padlocked in a stable at Stone Bridge!If his 'friends' in Brazil get hold off of him, he's going to find out that stilleto's aren't just shoes...
CNBC Interview With Bernie: Un-Biased and Unedited Version
Posted on April 01, 2009April 1 exclusive interview with CNBC's Jane Wells has been reprinted in full without the permission of GE, NBC Universal or CNBC, because they edited the original version, and WE DON'T NEED THEIR PERMISSION. All rights reserved. JW: Hi Bernie, I can call you Bernie, right? BLM: You can call me anything you want, Janey (wink wink) JW: Well, thank you for agreeing to answer a few of my questions...
Temperature Drops in Greenwich
Posted on April 01, 2009From: Walter NoelFounder, Fairfield Greenwich GroupTo Bernie MadoffHowever entertaining your interview with Jane Wells might have been for the two of you, we're aghast here in Greenwich.Monica has never been so humiliated in her life, and our girls are now being accosted on Greenwich Avenue...
Birthday Wishes From Bernie ...Blonde Bimbos???
Posted on March 31, 2009To: Jane Wells, NBC UniversalFrom: Bernard Madoff #61727-054Dear Little Janey-As much as my ass is blistering right now, if you only saw the note that was slipped under my cell door this morning, you'd understand how much I appreciate your sending me this autographed photo of yourself, even if you only intended it as a reminder about your birthday...
Bernie's Blisters:Challenges MCC Up-Dick Rule
Posted on March 31, 2009Ira- This memo was slid under the bars this morning, and I'm blistering about it!The word hasn't apparently reached these morons that Dick Cheney is being sued by Spain for violating exactly the types of things they are doing to me in here!TO: Bernard Madoff From: S...
Madoff Pecadillos, PR , and a Proactive Approach
Posted on March 30, 2009To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Eric StarkmanPresident, Starkman & AssociatesDear Bernie:I hope you don't mind me calling you Bernie, but after reading yesterday's Newsday, including the comments made by Raoul Felder over to the right, whom you've already heard from, as has your wife, I can only respectfully suggest that your decision to go with Burson-Marsteller should be re-visited...
Midas Madoff; Mad as Hell!..
Posted on March 30, 2009From: Mr. Bernard L. Madoff 61727-054ATo: Mr. Eric Fartman, I mean StarkmanPresident of Whatever ..Dear Mr. Starkman, This to acknowledge receipt of your moronic letter.1. No, You most certainly may NOT call me Bernie. We have never met, and we never will...
Stanely Bing's Exclusive Interview With Bernie..Its Worth a Fortune!
Posted on March 28, 2009Since Fortune's Stanley Bing is an insider, and on the Board of MIDAS, it was only fair to feed him the first of the interviews that I've decided to grant. Stanley said he gets claustrophobic, so he sent in one of his enablers to take care of everything...
Ruth Hits The Restylane
Posted on March 28, 2009To: Berniecc: Ira Sorkin, Esq.cc: Peter Chavkin, Esq.cc: Lev The Douche Dassincc:Irving The Nose Picker PicardBoys:It's 9 PM Saturday night. We had an early dinner with Nancy and Al at The Forge, a place that nobody would recognize us, especially at that hour, and now, we are safely in our FULLY owned Homestead Protected houses in Palm Beach!!We would have gone over to Mar-A-Lago, but I absolutely refuse to spend three cents if it profits that bastard Trump...
Editorial Note-Update
Posted on March 27, 2009So I suppose I need to make an update..Jodi's too f--king busy at her bakery.Two days ago I said right here that I thought the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee should do the right thing and pass back the $100k that donated.What do you know?? The power of this blog is just f--king amazing, almost as good as my Midas touch when it comes to trading!!Per this link, DSCC said they'd send 100k back to Picard, as soon as they raise it from new investors...
Deal..Or No Deal Time
Posted on March 27, 2009Wasn't that hilarious - that photo from yesterday?? You kids think I'm going nuts in here? Not your Bernie. I have plenty of company from the SEC, and, Ira and the feds.. More than enough people to talk to. In fact, I could use a little peace and quiet once in a while...
Press Conference Today...
Posted on March 26, 2009No thanks to the Feds that are busy interrogating every line in this blog, and the moron media reporters that are getting my story ass backwards, not to mention Peter's ass being frozen yesterday for no good reason, we've decided to issue a special statement later today...
Late Night Ruth
Posted on March 26, 2009To: Bernard Madoff #61727-054.From: Mrs. Ruth A. MadoffConfidentialDO NOT OPEN. Husband-Wife Confidentiality.Terrific. Covered all the bases, didn't you. Busy Boy Bernie, like always. Lucky you took that speed reading course when we were in France last summer...
Deal..Or No Deal Time
Posted on March 26, 2009Wasn't that hilarious - that photo from yesterday?? You kids think I'm going nuts in here? Not your Bernie. I have plenty of company from the SEC, and, Ira and the feds.. More than enough people to talk to. In fact, I could use a little peace and quiet once in a while...
Madoff's UnAnnounced Release...OK..So it was announced..
Posted on March 26, 2009OK, sorry this is a bit late, but you should only know what the line was like here trying to use the only f--king laptop in the library.Which happens to be the one that I donated!!Fine. Whatever. So first I had to wait on the two guys that were using their online accounts at that TradeMonster to cover their frozen shorts, and then everyone wanted to ask Obama questions online during his Town Hall meeting today, and that screwed up my schedule...
Its Getting Very Cold..More Freezing!
Posted on March 25, 2009To: Ira From Bernie Even from here, I have to take care of every little damn thing for you people and pay you on top of that! We're gonna have a talk about this when I see you next. Stop whining for god's sake. I'm the one in the 8X8 cell with no satellite TV and no golf...
I Told You..Its MY Bat & Ball
Posted on March 25, 2009From: IraTo: BernieThis correspondence is protected by all rights and privileges associated with lawyer-client confidentiality. As such, any/all employees of the Metropolitan Correctional Facility are hereby notified that making copies, distributing this, or sharing this correspondence shall be considered a violation of Federal law...
I'm Still Here..So, Please Pass The Onion Rings!!
Posted on March 24, 2009Between Ruth's ramblings, the cockamamie Cohn's at Cohmad, and the three ring circus in Gibraltar, I can't get 10 f--king minutes of peace and quiet?? Not even in here?!Speaking of three rings, Willy- either you're totally f--king blind or just plain stupid...
Please Deliver To Bernie Madoff...
Posted on March 24, 2009Bernie, Darling,I had Willy hand deliver this, and I'm hoping he can still read the building numbers. I pray that it gets to you!Please don't get too upset about that picture of me going to the store. How hilarious was the idea of ME --RUTH ALPERN MADOFF shopping at Food Emporium...
Ruth Reflecting
Posted on March 23, 2009Bernie, darling-This has become a living nightmare. After those monsters tracked me down when I was buying cheese the other day, I had to put Plan PB. into action. I only wish that I had the defib with me so that I could zap that idiot with the camera...
Girls Talk...Too Much!!
Posted on March 22, 2009Mom- I wrote to Daddy last week and he didn't even have the decency to answer. What is UP with him, anyway? Who told him to hire a lawyer with a name like " Rusty Wing"?? God. Who even IS that? Remember when we were young, and we used to watch reruns of " I Love Lucy," and Ricky would always say, "Lucy, You've got some 'splaining to do...
Bernie Brainstorming from Behind Bars
Posted on March 21, 2009Mark-Thanks for stopping by. The f--king guards took the turkey sandwich. Fine. Let them enjoy.The book that you left was very thoughtful, but since your brother is going to need to figure out how to survive on his own for a change, you should give it to him...
Bernie on Bonuses & Bitches..Mark Madoff Steps In..
Posted on March 20, 2009To: DadFrom: MarkDad-It was good seeing you, even if you didn't look so great.Between your mumbling and the twitching thing, I couldn't make out too much, but I hope you enjoy the TP that I left with you.Don't worry, I left plenty of tips, and told everyone to the scroll to the right and leave a tip here on the blog...
Dear Diary: From Ruth
Posted on March 20, 2009Dear Diary, My boys - they may not be the brightest bulbs in the Baccarat chandelier, but they do protect me.Of course, they each owe me millions, but they know I would never try to collect - unless I really, truly needed it. They have character, my boys! I wonder where they got it from? And who would I give to if not to my boys...
Accounting for the Accountants: Walk Backwards. Don't Bend Over.
Posted on March 19, 2009Mark-I know that you're trying to do the right thing, but its going to be a circus here again today, so don't let your Mother come this morning.Just you. She'll understand.Andy is too busy whining about why you got $22 mil and he only got $9 mil. I thought a Wharton education might have made him smarter...
Morning Memo..From Mark
Posted on March 18, 2009TO: Mom, Andrew,Uncle Peter, Shana, Marion From: Mark Hi everyone. I am seizing this moment , as the oldest son, and the one LEAST involved in whatever it was Dad was doing, to say we MUST get together: JUST US - no lawyers, no outsiders, no dates ( Andrew - you're coming stag to this meeting!)...
RSVP to Mark: Accounting Matters.
Posted on March 18, 2009Mark-You can circle the wagons all you want, but in case you haven't heard, some of us are getting squeezed like lemons. And, if its one thing an accountant doesn't like, its getting squeezed. We have enough of that during tax season.If your Dad left you Konigsberg's cell phone #, you might want to get hold of him and ask him to join you and the family at Thursday's meeting...
I Might Be Barred, But I'm Still Blogging!
Posted on March 17, 2009I might be barred, but I can still blog!For all of you asking, the people here are taking good care of me, and the library is actually not so bad--and my laptop connects just fine, but its true about the food. The omelets aren't that great, and the sausages are undercooked, but the bagels here are10x better than the stale crap that the ingrates down the street from us sold me every morning...
Andy's Angst..
Posted on March 17, 2009Dad-I don't know what Shana is complaining about--at least she can get a job selling shoes. Unlike Mark, I didn't have an account at Oppenheimer, and the crap that you and Mom have said about me is torpedoing my Jdate profile.Let's get some things straight-1...
Shana's Shame..
Posted on March 17, 2009Dear Daddy,This was NOT supposed to happen. You promised me. When I would have my anxiety attacks, you always said, "Darling, Don't worry. Trust your Uncle Bernie, and nothing bad will happen." Daddy, is it possible you are a Big Shmuck? I gave myself in actual marriage to the SEC to make sure nothing bad would happen...
Peter Pipes In...
Posted on March 16, 2009As many of you know, my brother Bernie is indisposed this morning, and since I was in charge of everything whenever Bernie might have been traveling, its up to me (that's my mug in the middle) to make sure that everything is in compliance.Sure, everyone is saying "Well...
Bernie-Its Just As Cold Out Here!!!
Posted on March 16, 2009Bernie, darling-Those bastards wouldn't let me visit you today. They said that you were having your nails done, but I can't believe that for a minute!!I've already told Peter Chavkin that this is inexcusable! They treat the people at Guantanamo Bay better!! What was the point of making so many donations to that good-for-nothing Chuck Schumer??!! But, Peter is very cute and very charming, so I'm sure he'll be able to help Ira with getting you out of there quickly...
Ruth Ruminating; Sunday Morning Without My Midas
Posted on March 15, 2009Dear Diary, I'm heartsick. Sunday mornings were always our favorite. Sometimes we used to fool around a little, then Brunch from Zabars or Murray's The Sturgeon King. Bagels with creme fraiche and Scottish salmon, and maybe one yolk in the egg white omelet for color, good coffee - that always sent Bernie to the bathroom for a long while so I could put on my make-up...
Baby Ruth Ballad to Bernie
Posted on March 14, 2009To: BernieFrom: Baby RuthI did stop by to visit yesterday, but they said that you were busy setting up the printer, so I left the bottle of Soapopular hand sanitizer with the guard. Don't forget to use it! I don't want you catching anything before Ira gets you out!!Its funny, last night I thought about how when Andy went to sleep-away camp for the first time, the counselor would call telling us how he used to wet the bed so much because he was homesick...
Busting Bernie's Balls..
Posted on March 13, 2009To: Mrs. Ruth MadoffFrom: Jeffrey Immelt, CEO General Electric Corp.Dear Mrs. Madoff-On behalf of the entire GE family, other than Jane Wells, who we all agree does a fantastic job of fair and balanced reporting, I want to extend my apology to you for the manner in which the other CNBC news staff have behaved during the past few weeks...
Madoff Morning Flash: Tweeting Updates for the Twits
Posted on March 12, 2009Everybody knows that my split strike hedge strategy was ingenious, so just in case Judge Denny makes a stupid decision this morning, and doesn't realize that I can sing much better from my co-op, to make sure that I can still deliver the consistent returns you've been getting here every day since December 12, I'll keep updating everyone through my new Twitter account...
Bernie's Bars..This Show Isn't Over!!
Posted on March 12, 2009What? Somebody thinks that we were surprised by Judge Denny's decision this morning??!!Of course not!!Which is exactly why Ruth got together on Tuesday with Susan B. for the 'decorating trip'. Just read Tuesday's posting!!!!Anyway, thanks to Judge Denny for allowing Susan to come by and fix this place up in advance...
Deal or No Deal. The Main Court House Event
Posted on March 11, 2009Here's the deal; just like I said on Monday--we don't offer deals, and Marcia Cohn says that we've only got (5) $2500 seats left for those that want to sit behind me in the courthouse tomorrow.And, Rosy B. says she counts only (11) General Admission seats are left...
TALF Funds Rejected by Bank of Greenwich; TALC Option Embraced By Shvitzers
Posted on March 11, 2009To Noel L.From: BLMSorry for not getting back to you sooner. Yesterday was a hectic day, and I've been busy all day today preparing for my stupid speech tomorrow.Anyway, I'm thinking that your idea about Bank of Greenwich turning down the "TALF" money is the right move, even if Walter and some of the other depositors are kvetching about the values of their properties and that some of the others are getting very nervous...
Thanks for Wave, Denny!
Posted on March 10, 2009Ruth-Forget the dinner plans with Judge Chin. He says he thinks some people might think its a conflict, so I waved it off.The damn courthouse was a pigsty, just like the last time, so thanks for putting that bottle of Zoloft into my jacket.Otherwise, everything worked out as expected...
Bernie's Bat & Ball : There's NO Conflict
Posted on March 10, 2009All of these fukakta news people crowding outside the building is making me laugh. Ruth and I had an early breakfast next to Equinox, and I worked out the conflicts in my aching neck.So-Ira, I'm stopping off to pick up some more Clomipramine, and I''ll be by your office in time for our meeting with Avellino...
Bernie's Court Tickets On Sale!!
Posted on March 09, 2009What with all the hoopla about my making an appearance in court on Thursday, we were thinking-Hey! This is a great ticket-selling event--so, with Irving's permission, we're selling tickets for the courtroom, and since there's only 200 seats available, we'll also be simulcasting via the internet on a pay per view basis!Since everyone has always wanted a seat right next to mine, front row seats will cost $2500, and all of the other seats are $1500...
Bernie Brainstorming
Posted on March 07, 2009While all of the smarty pants talking heads are busy betting on what's going to happen next week in court, Jeff Katzenberg is busy negotiating the rights for Madoff Mania Productions' 1st TV show; its going to be bigger than "Dallas" and "Dynasty", and I'm thinking its going to make 10x more money than the two of those shows combined, what with the syndication rights we're already selling...
Pass More Pleas, Please
Posted on March 06, 2009I can only say Thank-G-d that we never hired any idiots from the media industry to work on our trading desk.When it comes to speculating, all of the morons at NBC, FoxNews, CNN, and the rest of those other skanks make the mortgage traders at Bear Stearns, Lehman and Merrill look like they were f--king rock stars! Even the people trading bonds at AIG could speculate smarter!Christ-Almighty! 9 out of 10 "news" outlets are just fucking printing the same things that Bloomberg is writing--and Bloomberg's people can't guess any better on legal strategies than Larry Kudlow or f--king Donny Douche can when it comes to the direction of the market!If the only thing you people know how to do is make stuff up and print it, stop by the 17th floor on Monday, and maybe Andy or Mark can find something to keep you busy! Don't worry, we've got plenty of printer cartridges...
Bernie's Beige Book : Please Pass The Pleas
Posted on March 06, 2009Now that Mary Shapiro has gotten Mitre's $1.5 million study back on how to do things smarter at the SEC, Madoff Mania LLC is launching a new product--whistles for the whistle blowers! These things are great! $19.95 each, and when you figure how much Mary paid for for the ten page report describing the product, we saved ourselves a fortune in R&D!!!Next: There's someone other than Janey Wells that's figured out I'm not such a bad guy, and that every media moron in the world that's been saying "Bernie Madoff...
Ira's IPO -MIDAS Hiring IB's
Posted on February 26, 2009Oy, I need three more computers just to keep up with all the new business and all of the new trades we're going to be printing! And more printer cartridges!!First-To: IraFrom: BernieIra-Now that the government is back in a "Shoot-First and Ask Questions Later" mode, and arresting anyone in sight, I'm thinking that you and your partners at Dickstein are going to make a killing--all thanks to me!And, now's the time to capitalize!Everybody knows that I've got the Midas touch, and that I've got the best nose for when to buy and when to sell...
To Steve Walsh & Paul Greenwood. Can You Spare a Dime?
Posted on February 25, 2009To: Paulcc: SteveFrom: BernieRE: WG TradingYou must have figured out by now that there's a reason I'm still in my co-op with Baby Ruth.Sure, the three of us all go back a long time. But Mr. Prosecutor has been busting my chops asking me what I might know about other people from the industry...
Trading in Madoff Claims: Only at BMIS!
Posted on February 25, 2009My Mac is almost overheating with the alerts that I'm getting, so, Steve Jobs- unless your people make good on the sponsorship invoice, I'm going to stop pitching your product and switch back to a Dell laptop!Next:To Barney Fife (sorry, I mean Frank)From: Bernie MadoffBarney-Tom Waddell asked me to forward the below...
MIDAS Art Fund: CNBC Leaks Sales
Posted on February 24, 2009Thanks to little Janey Wells at CNBC-sales forecasts for Madoff Mania LLC were leaked yesterday, but what can you do?I'll tell you what we're doing!! We're selling even more of Bernie's Pisher Pads!!! Just scroll to the right!Sure, we've got more business than we can handle--so in case you can't get your case, that's only because we're over-subscribed...
Madoff Unveiled?? Maybe.. Who Else is Exposed?
Posted on February 23, 2009First:Ira- Get hold of those people at Apple and tell them I expect the endorsement check before Wednesday. The clip of me on ABC News using a Mac is going to be worth millions for that company!Next:I spent the entire weekend reading through the jibber jabber that Irving Picard was spewing on Friday...
Pastries With Picard 10:am Mel Weiss Cuts In
Posted on February 20, 2009All of the "special appearance" bath robes that Ira sent over are at the cleaner, so Ruth and I are going to dial in to Irving's town hall meeting in about an hour. I'm thinking it will be just like the days when we sat around the radio and listened to FDR...
To Bernie: From Allen Stanford
Posted on February 19, 2009To Bernie:From: R.A.S.I need to keep this note quick-we're refueling and my security team says that thanks to you and your moron son, I now have to limit use of open telecom lines to no more than 30 seconds at a time.1. As I told you last Tuesday, and according to today's Daily Telegraph out of the UK, it was the wild and crazy statements made by your son on this very blog that'put me on the cover of World's Most Wanted!!!!2...
Muckrakers Everywhere! Mid-Day With Madoff
Posted on February 19, 2009The muckrakers are at it again.Sonny D.-I don't know if you're at your karate class right now, but you might want to pick up a copy of the NY Post. Or call that guy to the right and straighten him out.Next:To Allen StanfordFrom: BernieI spoke to Dick Fuld and Jimmy Cayne this morning; they're both prepared to testify that its the f--king media that should be prosecuted for your bank's problems, just like they caused the run on their places...
Jodi-Get More Printer Cartridges! Madoff Mania Inc . Prepares IPO
Posted on February 18, 2009To: Sonny CohnFrom: Berniecc: Marcia C.Sonny-Belle Jones might have been the brains behind whatever you were telling people, but I don't remember if she ever had any more brains than you do. From where I stood, it was always Marcia that had the brains in your family...
I'm Setting the Record Straight- I'M THE ONE THAT WAS DEFRAUDED!
Posted on February 17, 2009To Andy:From: DadI don't know if you saw the headline from 30 minutes ago re: Stanford Bank, but you and your blabbering mouth seem to be the cause for what just happened. And, this is what I just got from that guy Stanford!To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Allen Stanford, Chairman, Stanford International BankBernie:Thanks to your loudmouth son--and maybe thanks to that nitwit Alex Dalmady, I regret to inform you that as of an hour ago, all of the accounts at SIB have been frozen by the SEC, including the CD in Baby Ruth's name that you wanted to redeem...
From Bernie: President's Day TARP Sale
Posted on February 16, 2009To all of you (including E.B.) that are kvetching that I took yesterday off--I say "forgive and forget!"Ruth and I actually spent the day entertaining the Noels, and one thing led to another, and before you knew it, everyone was playing with the defib...
Bernie's Valentine's Day Gift List...
Posted on February 14, 2009Everyone wants to know what I've gotten Ruth for Valentine's Day...and what I've gotten for Ezra's wife Lauren, Sonny's wife Carole, and for Jodi, and for Nan, and for Sonja, and for Marcia. and for Shana, and even for Julie in London....Oy! What a list, right?They also want to know what my brother has sent out to all of his 'girl friends'...
Ruth-Call Up The Factory and Order More TP!!
Posted on February 13, 2009Dear Andy-I've been trying to get it into your thick skull for years that when you blabber too much, and when you put things in emails that you shouldn't, you get yourself f--ked!!!Do you see Dopamine Jaffe blabbing?? NO! Do you see Sonny blabbing?? NO! (OK, so the Feds got lost trying to find his house...
Mid-Day With Madoff- Nan Knows Nothing!
Posted on February 13, 2009With everyone chasing their tails, its no wonder that we're almost out of Madoff's Toilet Paper!Morning Memos:1. To Nan From BernieBongiorno! I got your message. Before you crap your pants after reading today's delayed news from that kid Aaron at the WSJ, Ira's going to stop by your house later today and drop off a case of Madoff's Toilet Paper...
Mid Day With Madoff... Of course everyone is pleading the 5th!
Posted on February 12, 2009I've got a few things to cover, than I've got to get a manicure:1.To Bill Galvin-I don't know why you're making such a big stink about my good friends at Cohmad.Sonny Cohn and Sonny Delaire are unimpeachable. Dopamine Bob Jaffe has already pleaded the 5th, and as far as I know, he can't count much higher than that...
Mid-Day With Madoff- Redeeming Ruth
Posted on February 11, 2009Ruth-I just called Equinox and they said that you were busy 'decompressing'. I don't know what the f--k that means, but if you get this message, you might want to stop by Teterboro and "check on the bird".Some muck racker at Bloomberg is blabbering about how you took out $5 mil the day after Thanksgiving, and another $10 mil on Dec 10...
Andy Madoff Confesses..
Posted on February 10, 2009Dear Dad-I've been pretty tight-lipped so far--as you can tell from the photo to the right, but I'm getting really pissed with all of the jibes you've directed at me. Especially after reading your "note" about Andy Sorkin, the reporter at The NY Times...
"Madoff Settles With SEC..."
Posted on February 10, 2009Of course I just entered into an Agreement with the SEC; I'm a forgive and forget kind of guy! The Agreement says that:(i) I won't fight them on the asset freeze that's been in place. Why would I? Its not like I was dumb enough to put all of my eggs into one basket...
Ruth Madoff Speaks Out..Finally
Posted on February 09, 2009Bernie-I know that you were busy signing that meaningless "settlement agreement" with the SEC this morning, and that you wanted me to make my own comments on your blog today; but I'm headed over to Equinox, and then I'm getting a pedicure. After that, I'm headed over to see Mark's baby and do so some shopping...
Bernie's Sunday Brunch in Sands Point
Posted on February 08, 2009Talk about gorgeous days!First, I want to send a note of thanks to Regina Joyer, over at the Pre-Trial Services Dept. for realizing that being cooped up in the co-op with Ruth would make anyone nuts, especially when the weather is so nice today.And, since I'm allowed out to visit my lawyer, this is a perfect day for a drive out to Ira's place in Roslyn and catch up...
Bernie's List
Posted on February 06, 20091. To my friend who wrote in and asked my advice about whether he should be speaking to a media reporter:I might have to update my advice.While reading this morning's rags, it became obvious that there are maybe 3 journalists in the entire f--king world that have more than half a brain...
Madoff Investors Deluged by News Media
Posted on February 05, 2009I don't have the time to spend posting all day..but I had to slip this in...I just received this from one of our investors...so I thought I'd share his question and my reply.Bernie, I wrote you yesterday saying how much I loved the blog. I have to admit I lost a few bucks in this fiasco...
Madoff 's Son Leads Class Action Against Picard et al; A Madoff Mazel to Mark Dreier!
Posted on February 05, 2009Ira-Ebay just took down that stupid offer to sell the customer list, so I guess you finally did something right to earn some of that $1million retainer!! But for God's sake--the damn thing is all over the Internet for FREE!!!Even CNBC was letting people download it until Janey Wells called up their legal department to tell them ...
Madoff Sues Bankruptcy Vendor For Release of Customer Mailing List
Posted on February 05, 2009Ira- I don't know what your people are thinking, but some f--king vendor to the bankruptcy court actually released our firm's mailing list in a court filing!! Do you know that this thing is being sold on fucking Ebay already???!!!!Ira--even your name and address is on the list!!If you have half a brain, you'll get an injunction against Ebay right now! Either that, or those moron kids at Walter Noel's Fairfield Greenwich Group are going to be buying the damn thing for $49...
Markopolos Puts SEC in Crapper: Everyone's Pissing On Everyone; Madoff Family 's New Business Venture: Madoff Mania Inc.
Posted on February 04, 2009I'm sitting here in my den, wearing one of my brand new bath robes and watching this guy Harry Markopolos testify before Congress on my 52" screen. All I can say is he makes me want to crap. I gotta believe that half the people at the SEC are also crapping in their pants right now!!!Exactly why I've just gone completed a roll-up with my new friends Marc and Darren Polish at JustToiletPaper...
Bloomberg Sets Up Wall Street Angel Fund; Selects Madoff's MIDAS Fund
Posted on February 03, 2009Just a few 'after the close comments'...then I've got to move into the other room and try on the new set of bath robes that Ira sent over...I told Mike Bloomberg that I really don't like to advertise our funds, but he insisted on telling everyone that he's authorizing an angel fund for out-of-work Wall Streeters that are creating new businesses, and since we might have John Thain and Hank Paulson on board with us, we're exactly the type of firm that NYC is looking to help jump start and get people back to work...
"Bernie's Got Balls"???!! What About Barney??
Posted on February 03, 2009A lot of people are writing in and saying, "Gee, you must have some set of balls to have done what you did!"What I'm thinking is that Barney Fife over to the right (I mean Barney Frank) has a big set of brass ones. Chuck Schumer--I thought we talked about your putting a muzzle on this guy? I've heard a lot of double-talk in my time--and so have a lot of the people that invested with us, but I don't think there's a bigger double-talker in the f--king world when it comes to this guy! Barney--which side of the table were you on when the FART money was sent into thin air??Anyway, for those people that keep pissing on me, it didn't take my "having a big set of balls", what it took was a lot of f--king printer cartridges! Ask Jodi...
Madoff's Monday: Ruth's Dr. Ruth; Who Needs PR When You're Getting Pissed On??
Posted on February 02, 2009I might be a creative thinker, but there are just some things that I couldn't make up. And there are things happening that even I couldn't foresee.So lets clean up some things, before that f--king housekeeper starts in again with the vacuum cleaner and distracts me...
Weekend with Bernie: Lets Forgive and Forget-Everyone Else is !!!
Posted on January 31, 2009Since we all know that Ira is going to make sure that I won't be going "away" anytime soon ( other than maybe to our place in Montauk, or our place in Palm Beach), I'm thinking that some of the people that are frustrated with me, and maybe Frank D., and maybe Sonny & Sonny, and Ezra, and Walter and his beautiful family, etc...
Madoff Penthouse.. Sure, We'll Entertain Offers
Posted on January 30, 2009To the smarty pants muckrackers that are hiding in garbage cans on 64th and taking pictures of brokers coming into our building:Ruth and I are always interested in making a profit. On anything. Off of anyone. What's wrong with that???With all of the publicity, the value of our co-op here on 64th has shot up 20% in the last month, so we're thinking, why not entertain offers? Actually, I put the place in Ruth's name a long time ago, so she's the one that will score the profit...
Madoff's Mile High Club: My Cessna is for the Birds!
Posted on January 29, 2009Everybody knows that Ruth and I never liked flying commercial. Who could blame us?Sure, we have a jet. Actually, we own a piece of two jets. That's the small one in the photo. Made by Cessna, and good for the short hops to Palm Beach. OK, so we're one of seven other people that share it...
Madoff's Morning Brief: A Quick Note to Jamie Dimon
Posted on January 29, 2009Here I am, in my briefs and bathrobe--one of the six that Ira sent over from Barney's, and it seems like today is going to be a great one!Even though Ruth and I have always been big clients of Chase, I don't remember ever meeting Jamie Dimon, the kid that runs the bank, but I think our planes are parked next to each other over at Teterboro...
Closing Bell..With Me, Bernie Madoff
Posted on January 28, 2009I apologize to the thousands of people who depend on me, day in and day out to post a statement here in the late morning, after I have a bagel and shmear.....To those of you--I have great remorse for not being on time. Ruth and I were a bit "itchy" this morning and we said what the hell, and actually tested out that defibrillator...
Memo From Bernie to John T.
Posted on January 27, 2009To John ThainFrom. B.L.John-I just saw the news report re: subpeona. That doesn't change my offer to you. Plenty of our people get subpeonas. Its no big deal. Ask Bob Jaffe. He doesn't even bother answering them!You know how to sell; that's all I'm interested in...
Mid-Day With Madoff- What's Everyone Kvetching About??!
Posted on January 27, 2009Before I say anything more about the meshugenahs that keep kvetching "Bernie and $50 billion this, and $50 billion that..," lets do some housekeeping. Then we can get to the score keeping..1. To you shmendrick kids down in Palm Beach--I'm happy that you got your two minutes of fame with the stupid toilet paper prank...
Mid-Morning with Me, Bernie "Midas Touch" Madoff
Posted on January 26, 2009Some house cleaning, before our housekeeper turns on the f--king vacuum cleaner and distracts my thinking...1. To John Thain: My son Mark reminded me yesterday that I always told him to mind his own business whenever he wanted to make a suggestion. He thinks that you're going to have to answer a lot of questions about what you represented to BofA before they bought Merrill, and some questions about those early bonus checks that you signed...
Sunday With Bernie: Psycho Babblers
Posted on January 25, 2009So, one New York Times reporter gets a book deal to write about me, and the rest of you come down with a case of shpilkis and write more stories that make no sense??To whoever it was that managed to get yourself a bi-line in today's Sunday business section: You need to get more credible people to comment; a former FBI agent portrays me as a 'psychopath'??!Its obvious that you, or that shmendrick you interviewed don't know the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath...
I'm Letting Ruth Put In Her 2 Cents
Posted on January 24, 2009Yes, Ruth, that big fellow to the right is scary looking. And no, its not our housekeeper's son kvetching about the Christmas bonuses. He's a singer, Ruth. And, I hear he's a pussycat. So stop with the "lets lock the doors and windows.."More important, I wasn't the one that told him how to invest his money!! Is this someone you remember us having dinner with?? I don't think so...
Mid-Day With Bernie: Media Chazari
Posted on January 23, 2009Oy Gevalt! is all that I can say right now.We're releasing Al Queda leaders from Guantanamo back into Yemen, and all the media can talk about is me??!!!OK..Let's get a few things straight:1. Of course I'm not in such good health right now! I'm not such a young guy anymore, and all this tsuris is taking a toll...
Hank Paulson Offered Top Job at Madoff's MIDAS Fund; Tax Carry Forward and Carry Out
Posted on January 22, 2009Internal MemoStanley BingFortune MagazineDear Stanley:Since you're one of the lead investors in the new Madoff MIDAS Fund, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm planning to offer Hank Paulson the top job at the new fund. He's out of a job now, and who else is better at raising a few hundred billion real quick for the purpose of buying distressed assets?Sure, I've bashed him for turning TARP into one big Fart, but putting him at the helm of our fund, and making him the front man makes great sense...
Madoff in The Afternoon: Accounting Software
Posted on January 21, 2009In all due respect, if Tim Geithner, the nice boy that's replacing Hank Paulson as Treasury Secretary has f--king problems using TurboTax, how can anyone think that I wouldn't run into a few problems with the software we used to put out our brokerage statements??!!Ruth--get me that defibrillator!!!Oy...
Bernie Bares It All; Fortune's Stanley Bing To Be Lead Investor in MIDAS Fund
Posted on January 21, 2009While my son Mark is busy kvetching to people about which private school he can or can't afford to send his kid to ( Btw--Mark--Who the f--k told you to spend 6 1/2 big ones for a god damned mansion next to a bunch of gentiles in Nantucket when the god damned real estate market was like a falling knife??!!!What did you think, that last June was the f--king bottom? Did I tell you it was the bottom?? I don't remember...
Bernie Bares It All For Jane's CNBC Exclusive; Fortune's Stanley Bing To Be Lead Investor in MIDAS Fund
Posted on January 21, 2009While my son Mark is busy kvetching to people about which private school he can or can't afford to send his kid to (Btw,Mark--Who the f--k told you to spend 6 1/2 big ones for a god damned mansion next to a bunch of gentiles in Nantucket when the damned real estate market was like a falling knife??!!!What did you think? That last June was the f--king bottom? Did I tell you it was the bottom?? I don't remember...
Madoff at The Movies: I Didn't Want to Show This, But...
Posted on January 20, 2009I'm not endorsing, promoting or authorizing this video clip. I'm not even sure if its legal for me to post it. But since I don't know if its legal or not, than I can't be charged with anything. Its the dopamine.There's some kid named Drew that made it, even though I told him that Stevie Spielberg is going to be handling the film rights...
Madoff Clawbacks: Bernie's Best Advice; My Congrats to President Obama
Posted on January 20, 2009First- to President Obama:Ruth, me, my sons, and Ira just want to extend to you and your family our warmest wishes and best regards.You're an inspiration to tens of millions of Americans, including us; and we're all looking forward to your leadership...
Mid-Day Monday With Madoff--I'm Answering Mail
Posted on January 19, 2009To the several readers that are making a nuisance with their nonsense about Sonny Delaire.Let's get something straight, between two meshugana sons, Sonny Cohn, Sonny Delaire, and my sister Sonnie, I'm up to my pupik with "sonny this" and "sonny that"...
Why Would I Know Art Nadel?? Or Ragu? (is that how you pronounce it?)
Posted on January 18, 2009In response to one of my readers: No. I don't think I know an Arthur Nadel. Why? You really think that he had invested his investor money with me?? The only thing I read is that he's missing, and that people are saying they lost $400 million.Media hype again, they probably lost 1/4 of that after counting how much Nadel probably returned to them...
Why Would I Know Art Nadel?? Or Satyam's Raju? (Or is it Ragu?)
Posted on January 18, 2009In response to one of my readers: No. I don't think I know an Arthur Nadel. Why? You really think that he had invested his investor money with me?? The only thing I read is that he's missing, and that people are saying they lost $400 million.Media hype again, they probably lost 1/4 of that after counting how much Nadel probably returned to them...
Weekend with Patriotic Bernie: I'm Answering Some Questions; Feeder Funds and Great Places to Feed.
Posted on January 17, 2009To all of you wannabe "investigator journalists", try coming up something new for a change! The story about Frank Avellino isn't a headline; I told you about this a month ago!I hate repeating myself, especially when it comes to answering questions, but to bring this nonsense to rest, I will...
Madoff's Morning Briefing: Dopamine! Not Dope Are You!
Posted on January 16, 2009Ira-You need to get hold of a gal named Sally Satel--She's a shrink with an MD degree from Brown and she just wrote a great article..Have one of your interns find it online. You can print it out, and I've got extra printer cartridges if you need them...
Everybody's Talking About Me..And Writing About Me.
Posted on January 16, 2009Enough already..Six books in the pipeline so far??! Big shot "investigative journalists".. What nonsense.Most of these are just hacks. What? You think you they can write the 'real story' without me helping them?? Who are they going to interview? Guiliano from Primola Restaurant??You think Bob 'Dopamine' Jaffe is going to talk to you people??You think Sonja is going to sit down and have f--king tea and crumpets and answer questions from reporters? And what? Walter and his kids are going to invite you down to Mustique for a weekend of sun and gossip?? Go ahead--talk to Sonny Cohn, he's got alot to say...
Friday Afternoon Update : Bernie's Memory
Posted on January 16, 2009Sometimes I remember things, sometimes I don't..But, this is what I do remember: I was opposed to repealing the Glass-Steagall Act. I told everyone that at the time. Ask Mary Shapiro. Ask Arthur Levitt. They'll remember. But the smart guys had more juice...
Ruth is Innocent!! Stop It, Already!! And, Sonja's Hands Are Clean(?)
Posted on January 15, 2009Ruth actually had to take out the goddamned, $1800 defibrillator after I read that trash in today's NY Times....You reporters are going to give me a stroke--and if that happens, how can I help to get back everyone's money??What's with you newspaper hacks?? The f--king stock market is going to hell in a hand basket, and all you can write about is the cotton sheets on our bed, or whether Ruth really wrote her cookbook??!!And by the way, Ms Alison Fancy Pants Cowan at the NYT, there's a disclaimer on the bottom of this blog that makes it very clear that using any of my material without written permission is verboten! I own the one-liner about her "cooking the books"; I made it a month ago, right here...
Madoff's Morning Briefing: I'm Cooperating!
Posted on January 14, 2009I'm thinking I'll wear that robe to right today to make a good impression with the Judge--not that he needs to be convinced that I'm crazy, but I figured it might be good to do a few dress rehearsals. And again, however crazy my friend Mr. Prosecutor is for wasting everyone's time and money with these silly bail hearings, the law is very clear on this topic...
What A Circus at Court! Ruth-What do you want from Zabar's?
Posted on January 14, 2009What a waste of an afternoon!Of course the new judge wasn't going to change Judge Ellis's decision!! Anyway, Ruth, traffic is a mess down here, but we're stopping at Zabar's on the way home...Send me a message on the blackberry and tell me what everyone wants for dinner...
Madoff Family Denies Bernie Suffered A Stroke: Defibrillator Was Ruth's Idea! Bob Jaffe: Phone Home!
Posted on January 13, 2009No, I didn't have a heart attack, but if Andy doesn't stop with the dancing on my grave routine, I'm going to give him a heart attack!Yes, the stupid story about Ruth buying a couple of defibrillators is true..What can I tell you? She thought they'd perk up our sex life! But then she figured out they weren't the kind of sex toys that she was shopping for...
Madoff's Morning Briefing : Real Crimes Overlooked
Posted on January 13, 2009Since Judge Ellis was smart enough to appreciate the legal arguments on bail, and recognized that (i) I haven't been indicted for anything, (ii) my plane is in the shop and that I'm hardly a flight risk (what? I should fly commercial?!), and (iii), Ruth is now spending more than $7000 a day on surveillance equipment and those security guards, you'd have to be meshugeneh to think that I'm any kind of a flight risk...
Ruth's New Book: The Madoff Survivor's Guide; How To Get By On Only $15,000 A Month
Posted on January 12, 2009Thanks to my new investor Jane Wells at CNBC--she just got off the phone with Ruth and offered to work with her on a new book; "The Madoff Survivor's Guide: How to Live On Only $15,000 a Month!".. Janey--you're one smart cookie! That's much better of an idea than the next cook book that Ruth wanted to do! (Can you believe that she already spent $100k on the printing presses for that one: "Ruth Madoff's How To Cook The Books"There's only one problem Janey; you need to get us a ghost writer--Trust me; Ruth couldn't figure out how to survive on less than $150k a month, and you think she can figure out how to spend less than $15k?? Oy...
Of course I'm staying in my co-op!! I told you so!
Posted on January 12, 2009As I told you this morning, Judge Ellis is not an idiot and he understands the law. Oh boy--we "can't transfer any assets.." Ruth--make a note of that! Mark--you and Andy and Shana are good to go i.e. the Madoff Energy Fund..
Breakfast with Bernie-To My Neighbors; I'm Not Going Anywhere
Posted on January 12, 2009There's lots of hullabaloo about the stupid idea of putting me in jail because I sent some gifts to family and friends. As one of my readers pointed out, there's something called the Constitution, and the 8th Amendment is very clear on the topic. Bail can only be revoked if I present a flight risk...
After Dinner Cigar With Bernie...Thoughts From Today..
Posted on January 12, 2009I won't make a habit of posting more than a couple of times a day, but we just finished a great dinner that was delivered in from Daniel--very nice place, right around the corner from me. Its one of Ezra's favorites, and Ruth loves it too. A little expensive, and I've been telling Ruth to slow down on the spending, but that kid Bouloud is a good boy, and he makes a great meal for us...
Madoff Family Owns the Movie Rights!!
Posted on January 11, 2009I almost chocked on my bagel and shmear when I saw that someone is proposing that Robert Klein play me in a new movie. As much as I think Bob is a good looking guy, and he does look a lot like me, I've said this before, nobody but me is authorized to negotiate film rights!Ira-take a note of that article in that LA paper...
Weekend Update from Me, Bernie. Jail on Monday?? Ridiculous!
Posted on January 10, 2009This little sweetie to the right is a news reporter. Her name is Rachel. She's not as cute as my friend Janey Wells at CNBC, but little Rachel is very smart. You, the Judge, and everyone else should pay attention to what she said today:"..emotional calls fail to consider what could happen to this case if he actually is put in a cellblock now...
Madoff's Morning Briefing
Posted on January 09, 2009I'm thinking we're going to change the format here...I've been getting inundanted with requests to talk more about everything, so I think a morning briefing format is good. I'm a morning guy anyway..Right, Ruth?? Right, Julie?? There's lots of news to cover this morning, and before the idiotic feds tell the judge that aside from f--king interrogating the packages we send from the house, they should also be taking away my blackberry, I thought I'd put a few thoughts to paper...
Ezra was NOT " Bernie's Bagman"
Posted on January 09, 2009To that shlameel from Crains NY that said that Ezra was my "bagman": Does this look like a guy that carries people's bags?? Are you insane?? Ezra has a $30 million duplex at 740 Park, a museum's worth of artwork, and God knows what else.Do you think he needs to carry my bags?? Of course not! So what that he made his money by charging investment management fees and points on top of that...
Madoff Story is NOT Funny!! Ask Jane Wells!!
Posted on January 08, 2009Sure, sure, they found a bunch of f--king checks in my desk that I was getting ready to mail. Of course I was. I'm an honest guy and I promised to send some cash to family and special investors. If Jodi had kept stamps in the goddamn office, they would have gone out, and there'd be 20 less people kvetching about not getting their bonuses!! Yes, the checks totaled more than $170 million...
Thanks to Steve Harbeck for Clarifying!!
Posted on January 07, 2009Exactly as I've been saying; 1. I didn't "steal" $50 billion. Why the media insists on putting that into every f--king headline story is libelous. Ira will be dealing with you people later.2. As my friend Steve Harbeck stated two days ago, there's close to $850 million on deposit in various BMIS accounts...
Enough already! I Gave My Kids Gifts, So What?! It was Innocent!!
Posted on January 07, 2009Let's put this ridiculous topic to rest; Ruth and I sent our kids, and a special friend, and our housekeeper some personal items as gifts for the holidays. I admit it. A bunch of old watches and some diamond jewelry that had nothing more than sentimental value...
Dear Andrew and Mark
Posted on January 06, 2009Boys-You're doing a great job, but if you didn't like the watches that Mom and I sent, you should have just told us what you wanted, instead of calling up your lawyers and kvetching about what we sent!Now look what's happened! Are you both idiots? You're driving me crazy with this stuff...
Madoff Family Gives Bronx Cheer to Southern District Prosecutor
Posted on January 05, 2009I've been real cordial about all of this, and I've been very cooperative with all of the nice government and SEC people that have been asking questions. Just ask them! If I can remember, I've been telling.Now this silly federal prosecutor, someone I've been very nice to, all of a sudden decides that he should be crying to the judge saying that I'm a flight risk and that I should be put behind bars?? Two weeks after we had an understanding?? And his reasoning is that I gave some gifts to my wonderful children? BEFORE my assets were frozen...
Ron Paul Backs Up Madoff Statements
Posted on January 05, 2009I'm uploading this from my blackberry right now--I was stuck in court with Ira for a few hours merely to explain why we have every right to give some of our jewelry as gifts to our kids, my brother and my housekeeper. They're not entitled to have some of the heirlooms from our safe deposit boxes?? My housekeeper shouldn't have a Christmas gift?? This is what the prosecutor thinks should be a good reason to change my bond terms, and otherwise move me to a jail cell so that the taxpayers can pay my rent and my food? Is everyone crazy?? Ira--how do I plead insanity when the prosecutor is nuts?!So anyway, I'm sitting in my limo watching CSPAN on TV...
I'm Bernie Madoff and I do NOT suffer from OCD! Oops.. Yes I do!
Posted on January 05, 2009I'm really taken aback by comments that are circulating by Julie Fenwick, my sweet office manager in London. The notion that I could be anally retentive just doesn't sound like me at all. Does that picture of me and Ruth to the right look like I'm anally retentive?? For God's sakes, just because I don't drink booze doesn't mean that I'm tight!But, Julie's suggestion that I might have OCD is something that I can't deny...
What Does James Simons and me, Bernie Madoff have in common?
Posted on January 04, 2009You know, plenty of people have been asking me, "What's the difference between you and Jim Simons?" Honestly (and I don't lie!), I don't know Jim Simons personally, and I don't know about Renaissance Technology--the investment fund that he manages. Its all very secretive, unlike BMIS...
Madoff Film Rights: Don't Get Scammed!!
Posted on January 04, 2009I just heard that at least two different groups are telling investors that they've got the rights to produce an "indie film" based on my story. Bullshit. If anyone wants to talk about movie rights, they can fill in the Contact Me box on the left side of this page...
You Can't Fool All of the People All of The Time!! Which is Why I'm Innocent!
Posted on January 04, 2009We all know that most journalists are hacks; they embellish and take out of context more than any Wall Street CEO or CFO could even dream of. But, while I'm sitting here chewing on my bagel and novy from Sable's, I need to make a public thank you to Michael Lewis!! If you didn't read his editorial in today's NY Times (which has more slantsthan a Chinese whorehouse) I have to recommend Michael's piece; it proves the case that Ira is already making to those wonderful prosecutors in the Southern District...
Announcing The Madoff-backed MIDAS Fund (Madoff Investor Distressed Asset Sale)
Posted on January 03, 2009After speaking with Henry Kaufman last week, and after reading the silly comments made by Barton Biggs (the guy with the best 20-20 hindsight on Wall Street, and someone who missed the entire bull market!), the Madoff family thinks it only appropriate to be the first to help create a new fund that will be purchasing distressed assets from those that purchased second homes, cars, jewels and artwork with the profits we distributed over the past many years...
Sorry, FIFO Accounting Only!! BTW- BMIS's New Art Fund
Posted on January 02, 2009To quell the latest idiotic news story (with whining from an investor that invested in a special arb fund with us on Dec 5), everyone needs to know that in accordance with GAAP, (and as the former Chairman of NASDAQ, you should appreciate that I know all about accounting standards), we consistently used First In First Out accounting practices...
Madoff Statue Returned: Thanks !!
Posted on January 01, 2009Real quick--I forgot to say thanks to the group that took and then returned my collector item statue. Sure, it was only made out of bronze, and sure, it may not have been very valuable to anyone but me before you took it.But now, according to my friends at Sotheby's, that statue is now worth more than $250k!!! Ruth--call up the insurance company and add to the coverage! And with 2 other copies of the same statue, we just enjoyed a 30x return on a few pieces of art!!For those that want to know about our new, Madoff Antiquities Fund, call up Ira and he can give you the prospectus...
New Year Resolution #2, from Me, Bernie Madoff
Posted on January 01, 2009Resolution #2; I'm going to stop trying to defend the many people that invested their client's money with my firm. Ruth's reminded me that whenever I mention someone, others might think they actually understood how my business worked. They didn't. At least not many of them...
Happy New Year from Bernie and Ruth! Regards to our friends in Westport CT!
Posted on January 01, 2009First, Ruth and I know that many people are thrilled that 2008 is finally behind us all, so on behalf of the entire Madoff family, we wish you all a happy, healthy, and of course, a conservatively prosperous New Year!My first New Year's resolution is to clarify my relationship with Noel Levine...
My List of Assets: Delay Due to Snow
Posted on December 31, 2008I know that Ira said he'd be submitting my list of assets today. But its snowing and Ira is busy right now. Actually, he headed home to Roslyn early today, the weather is for shit right now.. and I think he's got a 7 o'clock rez at Bryant and Cooper....
See--Yeshiva U is Telling it Like it Really is: They Lost Bupkus
Posted on December 30, 2008The good people at Yeshiva U are telling it like it is. They actually have temporarily lost $14 million not the $100 mil + that others are shouting about...Ezra, please lighten up!!! You're getting everyone crazy with these crazy numbers. Go back and worry about GMAC!
Enough With the Whining! Taste the Wine, Instead!!
Posted on December 30, 2008Of course I'm heart broken when I read about those that are saying they "lost everything" with me. But after a few minutes, I'm elated, and I go back to watching Fast Money on CNBC...I don't mean to sound insensitive; I've had these kinds of mood swings for years...
The FBI Should Be Asking How The Trustee is Spending Investor's Money! (Not at what FGG did!)
Posted on December 30, 2008If there are two people in the world that know anything about securities industry compliance issues, its my friends Mark McKeefry and Amit Vijayvergiya at Fairfield Greenwich. There's Mark to the right; a brilliant kid!Their credentials are impeccable, and rightfully, they've been well paid to understand the strategies that I was executing...
The Real Scam: $28 Million for "Court-Appointed Trustee"
Posted on December 29, 2008$28 Million to pay the expenses of the "court-appointed trustee"?!@# Let's not talk about the allegations made against me. This type of court-authorized payment is completely out of control, and I'm going to instruct Ira to file a petition with the Court to rescind this...
TARP Bailout For Madoff: You Can Keep The Statue!!
Posted on December 28, 2008A bunch of media idiots are having a field day with the phrase 'Shadenfreude', and how much it hurts me to have a family heirloom stolen from my back yard. First of all, do you think I didn't get three of these made??..After all, if I can spend what I spent keeping three sets of books, you can be sure that I'd buy a few extra statues...
Why a TARP Bailout of Madoff Makes Sense. Just Ask Uncle Sam's IRS
Posted on December 27, 2008When you get over the fact that my firm encountered the same calamity as Bear Stearns and Lehman, you'll immediately ask yourself, and your Senator, "What did we learn from allowing those two firms to effectively fail..?" In the case of Madoff Securities and our inter-twined, multi-ledger platform, there are 3 excellent reasons why out-going President Bush will want to use the next ten days of his Presidency to pull a rabbit out of the hat and save his legacy, and to prove who "The Decider" really is...
Why Flying Private Makes Sense: My Airline Co.
Posted on December 26, 2008For those that don't already know it, flying private is absolutely the way to go That's my baby on the left..gorgeous, right?.. It takes us just two and half hours from Teterboro to West Palm...Flying first class would take us 4 hours, minimum.And this little bird can hop over to Lugano in two stops...
The Real Fleece.
Posted on December 26, 2008Now I'm getting pissed off. I just noticed that various people, who are hiding behind pseudonyms on ebay are actually auctioning off used merchandise that they received from my firm as gifts. Like the dreck in the photo. Used!Those gifts were provided from the bottom of our heart, and provided mostly to customers of our market-making business...
I Didn't Twist Any Arms! Just ask UBP
Posted on December 25, 2008Pick up any newspaper and you'll find out that I didn't force anybody to invest with me, and the fact is, that people have been coming to me for twenty years. I turned alot of them away too. Ask my good friends at UBP--even they've said they examined all of the trade tickets and all of the trade confirmations, and everything was completely kosher!Speaking of kosher, its a bitch finding a good place to eat in Manhattan on Christmas, but thank god for the Carnegie Deli! Check out what we're ordering in today...
Crawl Backs..What MY lawyer says..
Posted on December 23, 2008Lawyers are like a--holes. Everyone's got one. And mazel tov to my friends at Milberg! Mel Weiss would be proud that you're stepping up to the plaintiff plate. If what half the lawyers I keep reading about are suggesting, that Middle Eastern group that put the $500 million in last year are going to have to put pack at least the profits that they earned from me...
You're barking up the wrong tree.. tell 'em Frank (DiPascali)
Posted on December 22, 2008a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_O9R7cVoh2qY/SVA7Y-isJUI/AAAAAAAAADQ/AobQ5Ev3dWU/s1600-h/al+malnick.jpg"img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 179px;" src="http://2...
They Can Freeze My Assets; But I'm Not Freezing My Ass! What do you think a Ponzi Scheme Really is??
Posted on December 22, 2008a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_O9R7cVoh2qY/SU_uIDWx99I/AAAAAAAAADI/Ltc_Q_B2Yfs/s1600-h/madoffapt.jpg"img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://3...
Andy- I told you to sign a Prenup!!
Posted on December 22, 2008a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_O9R7cVoh2qY/SU-5BRxUXvI/AAAAAAAAAC4/43ZP4uLZuig/s1600-h/andy+and+deborah+shopping.jpg"img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 320px;" src="http://3...
My Partners at Fairfield Greenwich
Posted on December 22, 2008a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_O9R7cVoh2qY/SU-xo8DYqZI/AAAAAAAAACw/f_c9nIcf8Go/s1600-h/walternoel+and+wife+mustique.jpg"img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 203px; height: 150px;" src="http://1...
The Best Chinese Take-Out in NYC!!
Posted on December 21, 2008In my first posting, I promised that I'd be telling you about great places to eat in NYC. This time of year I'm usually down in Boca, but we're staying here for the holidays instead.Yesterday I touted my favorite place for nova and bagels-Sable's. Its on 78th and 2nd and, when my lawyer Ira brought over those hot bagels along with nova and sturgeon, Ruth and I, and our kids were in heaven...
Don't Shoot (My) Messengers
Posted on December 21, 2008Oy. The things that are being said about my long-time partner Bob Jaffe (That's him to the left with his wife, he's a great looking guy, right?) And to the right is one of his favorite cars. The guy has good taste, don't you think?Let me set the record straight...
Look at the Wealth I'm Still Creating!- At least two book contracts already signed by others!
Posted on December 20, 2008If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; "Only in America". At least two different so-called business journalists have just signed six figure contracts to write books about me. And those books might create millions in sales for THEM. Am I asking for anything from them??Of course not...
Jeez..Its Only A Coincidence!!! wink wink
Posted on December 19, 2008Some of you are going to be reading that a longgg time ago, (in fact decades ago), there was a firm that was selling investors unregistered securities in my firm.The total amount was piddling, only $400 million--and in 1992, wouldn't you know it, a judge ordered my good friend Lee Richards to be the court-appointed trustee to make sure everyone got back as much as they could...
My Lovely Niece and Her Husband-The SEC Investigator
Posted on December 19, 2008Aside from making sure that my son Mark was appointed to a special role by former NASDAQ's Head of Enforcement (and just yesterday, she was appointed to be the new SEC Commissioner!!! Mazeltov Mary!!), I'm particularly proud about my blessing the marriage of my niece and head of compliance to former SEC Investigator Eric Swanson...
My friends and family..Do you know Cohmad too?
Posted on December 18, 2008Alot of people are already asking, "Was your wife really helping you cook the books?"I can't say for right now. After all, I've already deposited half a million bucks into her attorney's account. We wouldn't want that to disappear, would we??Oh--let me tell you...
Hey-Take My Wife. Please! She's a Cook Book Author & SHE Cooked My Books?!
Posted on December 17, 2008Who could possibly believe that a 67 year old woman, whose greatest claim to fame is writing a cook book could have helped me cook the books?God forbid she should have cooked a few meals at home instead of our going to Coco Pazzo every other night!Go ahead, take my wife...
Of Course this US Attorney has to Recuse Himself..And so does half of the SEC
Posted on December 17, 2008Here's a picture of me leaving court earlier this morning. Notice that I'm smiling.Why wouldn't I be smiling? I'm headed back to my very comfy coop on 64th, and half of the SEC has had to recuse themselves from dealing with the piles of papers stacking up...
Don't Believe What The Smart Alecks Say
Posted on December 16, 2008Smarty Alec Andy Kessler thinks he's got it all figured out.Sure, you can click on the link, and read his opinions, but he's a former trader, and people like him have been questioning me for years, just because they were jealous of me. If the SEC never believed those kinds of claims, and if they never bothered to question me, doesn't that tell you that I'm really just a nice guy??
Hi I'm Bernie Madoff.. Tell me what you think!
Posted on December 15, 2008I'm Bernard Madoff and I've admitted to operating the biggest Ponzi Scheme in history.Of course, I couldn't have succeeded without help from others that were involved, and of course, I certainly couldn't have succeeded unless those that gave me money were driven by greed...
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