Law Humor

January 2005 - Did They Really Say That?

Posted on March 05, 2010
From Joe. G. Roady of Houston (Hirsh & Westheimer) this contribution "in a Juror Information Form" used in Judge Robert Frost's 116th District Court in Dallas:In the block for information concerning the 'Highest Level of Education,' one prospective juror wrote 5'6".

Life Can Be So Complicated - September 1994

Posted on March 03, 2010
From Terry Lynn Thornton of Dallas (Prager & Benson), this excerpt from the deposition of the plaintiff in "a real estate deceptive trade practice suit - in which George White of Irving represented the plaintiff:"Q. Was this your first of your second husband?A...

January 1992 - From the Trials of Buchmeyer, Too

Posted on March 02, 2010
Q. What did you do with the money you got from the land flip?A. Bought a Mercedes 450 SL convertible.Q. Why?A. Well, it was a little less ostentatious than buying a Rolls Royce.

That's A Stupid Question - June 1999

Posted on March 01, 2010
From Fred Swenson of Kermit (Fred is Certified Shorthand Reporter), this excerpt is from a deposition taken by Rodney Satterwhite of Midland.Q. Do you have any other ranching properties in Winkler County other than this ranch?A. Yes.Q. Where is that?A...

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March 1998 - The Energizer Bunny

Posted on February 26, 2010
From Marion J. Borchers of New Braunfels, this excerpt from a pleading filed in a bankruptcy court in the Southern District of California. In the case, "the ex-husband of the debtor opposed the sale of land in Comal County, Texas and appealed an adverse ruling, lost three motions to stay, and then filed an ex parte motion for clarification" - which drew this response from Jeffrey Isaacs of San Diego, Calif...

January 2005 - Did They Really Say That?

Posted on February 25, 2010
From Joe. G. Roady of Houston (Hirsh & Westheimer) this contribution "in a Juror Information Form" used in Judge Robert Frost's 116th District Court in Dallas:In the block for information concerning the 'Highest Level of Education,' one prospective juror wrote 5'6".

November 2002 - Did They Really Say That?

Posted on February 24, 2010
From District Judge Joe M. Leonard of Greenville (196th Judicial District of Texas), this entry in an Affidavit of a bonding company.5. It is my desire to surrender the defendant/principal to the custody of the Sheriff of Hunt County, Texas, for the following reasons: Has not obeyed terms of Bail Bond contract...

June 2003 - I Can Now

Posted on February 23, 2010
From Joseph Jacobson, Texas Bar Journal, Vol. 49, No. 4 ? April 1986.Q. Isn?t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?A. Yes, it is, but you can?t prove it!

July 2003 - Did They Really Say That?

Posted on February 22, 2010
This contribution from Ileana M. Blanco (Bracewell & Giuliani):Q. Let's talk about McNish for a moment. You said he was a beast. He weighed about 300 pounds, didn't he?The Court: I don't think I heard anybody say anybody was a beast.The Witness: I didn't say anybody was a beast...

June 1989 - Did I Really Say That?

Posted on February 19, 2010
From a telephone hearing conducted by one of the bankruptcy judges in Dallas: the judge has been advised that 12 attorneys are ready for him on the conference call. The Court: Okay. Thank you. I'm going to give the decision on the motion. I'm going to go through it all and make findings and conclusions of law and give an opinion ...

September 2005 - ?Transquips?

Posted on February 18, 2010
From Lynn Brooks of DeSoto, who is a certified shorthand reporter:Q. You must have been hurt in some event. What type of injury did you get?A. Finger mashed.Q. Nothing you lost time from work from?A. (Indicating)Q. I?m sorry?A. Got a burn here. I didn?t lose any time...

May 1992 - An Unprepared Witness

Posted on February 17, 2010
From Thomas M. Harlan of Alvin, this excerpt from a deposition he took in a child custody case:Q. Are you asking me to believe this undying mother's love will spring forth ...A. Mr. Harlan, I don't want you to believe anything I say. That's not what I'm here for...

December 2001 - Did They Really Say That?

Posted on February 16, 2010
From Judge Ralph H. Walton, Jr., of Granbury, 355th Judicial District), this excerpt ?from the direct examination by the prosecutor in a recent driving-while-intoxicated case in [his] court in which the elderly, hard-of-hearing ?Uncle Billy? was called to testify...

June 1994 - Doing Pro Se

Posted on February 12, 2010
From a pro se pleading recently filed with Judge Eileen O'Neal of Houston (190th District Court), the "friendliest introduction" that she's ever received:Now comes Plaintiff Ronald Dwayne Whitfield, and says to the honorable judge of this court, "Hello...

July 2004 - The Winner: Most Confusing Document Title

Posted on February 11, 2010
Paul J. Van Osselaer of Austin (Van Osselaer, Cronin & Buchanan) and Robert Slovak of Dallas (Gardere Wynne Sewell) ? who are opposing counsel in a case on my docket ? jointly submitted the following:?Paul Van Osselaer of Austin ? was hoping that the alternative relief would be granted just to figure out what is going on...

February 1989 - Did I Really Hear That?

Posted on February 10, 2010
From Mary Strand, a staff attorney for the Tyler Court of Appeals, this testimony from a hearing on temporary child conservatorship - by witness who had "obviously not been testifying as expected":Q. Let me ask you this: Have you been frank in your answers?A...

May 1994 - Did She Really Say That?

Posted on February 09, 2010
From Suzanne Saenz of Houston (Suzanne is a legal assistant with Ronald W. Ryan), this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition in a medical malpractice case.Q. Mr. Williams, are you on any medication today?A. Yeah. No. Just a little old pain pill; but I'm not - I know what I'm doing ...

July 1987 - Do You Swear to Tell the Truth...

Posted on February 08, 2010
Judge: (To young witness) Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?Witness: Yes, I would go to hell.Judge: Is that all?Witness: Isn't that enough?

April 2004 - Can You Describe the Pain?

Posted on January 29, 2010
This deposition excerpt is from Marvin L. Cook of San Antonio (he is general counsel of Southwest Business Corp.). The plaintiff in a slip-and-fall case is being questioned about the injuries allegedly suffered at the time of the fall.Q. And you say you also complained about pain down your right arm?A...

May 1999 - Those Jurors

Posted on January 28, 2010
From Judge Jay Patterson of Dallas (101st District Court), this answer from a recent juror questionnaire:20. How can we change or improve our arrangements, facilities, or procedures to make jury service better?A: I'm not sure on the law here, but maybe make the counsel wear too-tight shoes to hasten things along?

February 1999 - Lawyers are Next

Posted on January 27, 2010
From Amy K. Rosenberg of Fort Collins, Colo. (Liggett, Smith & Williams), this trial excerpt from a "marriage dissolution proceeding" in which Amy's colleague, Michael Liggett, "was cross-examing the soon-to-be ex-wife" regarding some of her expenditures...

March 1994 - Did She Really Say That?

Posted on January 26, 2010
From Larry Blount of Sulphur Springs (Powers & Blount), this excerpt from a bond reduction hearing before Judge Lanny Ramsay (Eighth District Court). Assistant District Attorney Al Smith is cross-examining the defendant's wife - who has "justified that, in spite of the DWI, her husband's drinking problem is not as bad as it used to be...

November 1999 - What Did I Score?

Posted on January 25, 2010
From Catherine E. Brown Dodson of Amarillo this excerpt "from a hearing in a suit to establish paternity filed in the 181st District Court, the Honorable Samuel C. Kiser presiding."The mother was represented by Arnold N. Miller and the father by Mary Louise Kibbey...

May 1993 - Did He Really Say That?

Posted on January 22, 2010
From George M. Walker of Mobile, AL (Hand, Arendall, etc.), this excerpt from "one of the first depositions [he] ever attended" - of a "retired insulator from a local shipbuilding company in an asbestos case" (so there were, "as usual, 25 defense lawyers around a conference room table peppering [the witness] with questions:"Q...

May 1995 - The Thinker

Posted on January 21, 2010
From Martha Hardwick of Dallas (Bauer, Rentzel, Millard & Hardwick), this deposition excerpt - with Martha's admission that she was "the obviously surprised questioner":Q. What made you decide to do that?A. I am thinking.Q. That's all right.A. That's a good question...

May 2001 - The Full Time StudThis

Posted on January 20, 2010
May 2001 - The Full Time StudThis contribution is from Roger L. Mandel of Dallas (Stanley, Mandel & Iola):My partner, Mark H. Iola, was recently getting ready to pick a jury for an asbestos trial in Edwardsville, Madison County, Illinois. When he received the jury panel list, he was rather astonished to find that the very first panel member, a 22-year old single male, had apparently listed his occupation as "FULL TIME STUD...

October 1994 - The Jim Cowles Collection

Posted on January 19, 2010
From Jim E. Cowles of Dallas (Cowles & Thompson), this from a plaintiff's deposition - one of the "3,032 plaintiffs ... in the infamous Lone Star Steel cases, pending in Morris County since 1987" - taken by Jim Harris of Beaumont (Holmes & Harris)...

January 2002 - Did They Really Say That?

Posted on January 15, 2010
From Al Ellis of Dallas (Al is of counsel with Howie & Sweeney), this excerpt from ?a routine personal injury deposition? in which he received ?the final answer as to why the divorce occurred.?Q. What was the reason for your mom?s first divorce, if you know?A...

April 2005 - A Marvelous Answer

Posted on January 14, 2010
This contribution from David W. Lindemood of Midland is from a CPS trial before District Judge Dean Rucker (318th District Court) in which Lindemood was the attorney ad litem for the child. The witness, who was the CASA guardian ad litem, is being questioned by Chris McCormack of Midland...

June 1992 - Of the Rankest Sort

Posted on January 13, 2010
From Robert Finlay of Honolulu, HI, this testimony from "a hotly contested murder trial" involving a difficult, albeit zoological, point of evidence:Prosecutor: On the photograph, what are on the brown, blood-like smudge?Mr. Heu: From my zoological background, I keyed in on it because it had ants on it...

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