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: Bernard Madoff

#Madoff Musings; Claims, Clawyers and Hot Flashes

To: Charlie Full-of-Gas-Parino
From: Bernie, here in Butthole Prison

Here I was thinking that Nan Bongiorno had a flatulation problem, but after seeing that stupid segment you did with that kid Eric Bolling and that crook Ross Mandell on FOX about how "the Street is trading Madoff Claims", all i can say is that if you think you broke some kind of news story, all you did was break a fart--and you might as well light a match to it!  

Its no f**king wonder that you're over at FOX now--that place is perfect for you! You're with a whole family of knuckleheads! The only other person missing over at FOX is CrackHead Kudlow!


Let's make the record clear: I was the one that created that idea about trading claims back in March 2009!! Don't believe me? Click here, you moron!

And, to further prove it, you can go back to my comments from this past June... Made here! That's right search away, you idiot. If Howie Lutnick hadn't gotten shut down on his idea to create a futures exchange for box office receipts, the Madoff Claims would be trading in a fully-transparent electronic market right now!

Next..
To: President Obama
From: Bernard L. Madoff

You already know that I'm one of your biggest fans. I love your energy, I love your determination, and I love your great tan. I also love the same burger joint that you go to in DC. But, if anybody in your office buys into the "independent report" that claims the "recession was officially over in June 2009", you need to send them packing.

This recession has ended yet, and you know it. 10%+ unemployment, ongoing upticks in foreclosures, businesses closing left and right, and cities from Pennsylvania to California are all thinking about declaring bankruptcy. Let's not even talk about the cutbacks that are hitting every public school in the country!

You know that I've been around for more than 15 minutes. When I see the price of gold setting all time records, while at the same time, yields on US government bonds are lower than what a passbook savings account provides, the dollar getting decimated, the deficit ballooning, and foreign countries snapping up property for pennies on the dollar, trust me when I tell you that not only is the recession not over, but unless you take real action with real solutions and put them in place now, not only will those f**king tea baggers be outlawing your coffee, but your kids, my grand kids, and everyone else's kids are going to be sewing shmata in Chinese-owned sweat shops!

[My kids will be fine, they've got plenty stored away...but they spend like sailors on leave, so its my grandkids' futures that are in your hands!]

While I have your attention: My friend Jon Pollard asked me to inform you that despite the mishagos about why we've shifted our troops to Afghanistan, he has it on good authority that there really aren't any terrorists in Afghanistan; they're all in Pakistan. They moved over there a long time ago!

My advice? Carpet bomb the entire border.  Better that a few thousand of their people get incinerated than another several thousand of our boys coming home in body bags!  

After you do that, send in 1000 cargo planes and have them drop Hershey bars and alcohol-free hand sanitizers throughout the country.
B.Madoff, Concerned Citizen

To: Mary Shapiro
From: Midas Madoff

Mary, Mary, Mary. What is the problem? You're behaving like Baby Ruth did when she had those hot flashes!

Tell that kid Gregg Berman to stop with the nonsense and stop with the wasting of more money on ridiculous studies. There's no secret about what caused the "flash crash", and no surprises. It was caused because all of the brilliant people that preceded you at SEC were lobbied for years by all of the smarty pants from Wall Street that petitioned your people to approve all of their wacky electronic exchange systems and wackadoodle ECN's.

Yes, I know that my dear Shana is married to one of those rocket scientists, and I also know that our firm was an outspoken proponent of electronic trading.  We had our reasons, just like everybody else. But, you and I both know that the flash crash is a direct result of the ridiculous market fragmentation that's taken place over the past 20 years.

Instead of their being one or two centralized exchanges where a stock or option, or ETF trades, and where the trading is controlled by a specialist, there are now dozens of virtual exchanges that are connected to each other with paper clips, and no more specialist to control the flow!

Instead of a single auctioneer, now there's  thousands of anonymous 'market-makers' that have absolutely no interest in maintaining orderly markets, and when sell orders started stacking up, and the markets went downhill like a snowball that gets bigger with each turn, all of those people simply unplugged their computers!. That's it, plain and simple. Nobody with half a brain on Wall Street is going to try and catch a falling knife!

Why its taken you four months, and millions of dollars in 'studies' that are only now coming out is, in all due respect, a terrible disservice.

And, by the way, since you're a VIP subscriber to my Madoff Market Letter,  I'll give you a tip on what's in the next edition:: The higher the diving board, the bigger the splash..

All my love,
Bernie

Last:..
Big Shout Out to my tatellah JP--I'm hearing that hook shot of yours is better than Phil Jackson's ever was!! I'm rooting for you, kiddo!
Uncle Bernie

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on September 22, 2010 (boomark / email).