Law Humor

June 1993 - Just Feeling NormalFrom

Posted on September 29, 2008
June 1993 - Just Feeling NormalFrom Ronald S. Schmidt of San Antonio (Schmidt & Davis), this excerpt from the deposition of a plaintiff who was claiming that a real estate deed was forged. Ronald explained that the plaintiff's answers were confusing - some documents he admitted signing, but he denied others - so Ronald began questioning the plaintiff (who had been in prison on drug charges) about whether he actually remembered "the incidents surrounding the signing of the questioned documents":Q...

June 2000 - Did They Really Say

Posted on September 26, 2008
June 2000 - Did They Really Say That?From Julian T. Lopez of San Antonio (Rodriguez, Ketterman & Lopez), this excerpt from the deposition of his client in a personal injury case:Q. Okay. And just after the accident, who got to you first?A. Julian...

June 2000 - Did They Really Say

Posted on September 25, 2008
June 2000 - Did They Really Say That?From Thomas A. Silver of Corpus Christi (Barger, Hermansen, etc.), this excerpt from the deposition of the plaintiff's husband in a personal injury case:Q. And do you know how fast Ms. _____ was going?A. Well, I can't tell you, because when she hit me, my - because my wife, you know - Have you ever seen when you, when you grab ahold of a chicken and you wring its neck? (Indicating)Mr...

March 1999 - Please Repeat the

Posted on September 24, 2008
March 1999 - Please Repeat the QuestionFrom Patrick Wright of Dallas, these excerpts from the deposition of his client, who was suing Kentucky Fried Chicken because he "had been beaten up at a KFC store by another patron who was angry because of the slow service," allegedly because KFC failed to provide adequate security...

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May 2008 - Have I Been Courteous

Posted on September 23, 2008
May 2008 - Have I Been Courteous to You?This contribution is from Christopher R. Johnston of El Paso (Firth, Johnston, Martinez), who writes that he was finishing up a deposition and took a break to make sure there were no further questions to be asked of the witness...

November 1997 - Did They Really

Posted on September 22, 2008
November 1997 - Did They Really Ask That?Discovered in a deposition by my former law clerk Robert Musslewhite:Q. I'm going to ask you four questions that I'm going to guess are going to sound real strange to you, even stranger that the rest of my questions -A...

May 1993 - Did I Really Ask That?From

Posted on September 19, 2008
May 1993 - Did I Really Ask That?From Judge David Cleveland of Palo Pinto (29th District Court), this testimony from the trial of will contest involving two wills left by Walter Howeth:Q. When did you last see Walter?A. At the funeral.Q. Did he make any comment to you at that time?A...

July 1995 - I'm in a Damned Fish

Posted on September 18, 2008
July 1995 - I'm in a Damned Fish BowlFrom J. Redwine Patterson of Dallas (Patterson, Lamberty, etc.) this excerpt from the Lone Star Steel Mill Toxic Tort litigation in East Texas. Redwine explains that, as he is Sometimes Wont To Do, he was making a sketch of the witness while another lawyer began the deposition...

June 1995 - A Twinkle in His EyeFrom

Posted on September 17, 2008
June 1995 - A Twinkle in His EyeFrom Debbie H. Brower of Texarkana (DHB Reporting & Paralegal Service), this excerpt from a deposition she reported in a Louisiana workers' compensation case. The plaintiff is being asked if she knows the persons named in a lengthy list of witnesses provided in answers to interrogatories...

May 2001 - Did They Really Say

Posted on September 16, 2008
May 2001 - Did They Really Say That?From Roger A. Berger of Houston, who was defending a hospital emergency room group in a malpractice case, this excerpt from the deposition of the administrator of the Group. The question by the plaintiff's counsel was intended to define the different types of emergency room patients - but it elicited a literal answer...

September 2005 - ?Transquips?From

Posted on September 15, 2008
September 2005 - ?Transquips?From Lynn Brooks of DeSoto, who is a certified shorthand reporter:Q. You must have been hurt in some event. What type of injury did you get?A. Finger mashed.Q. Nothing you lost time from work from?A. (Indicating)Q. I?m sorry?A...

June 2003 - How Do You Define Drunk?From

Posted on September 12, 2008
June 2003 - How Do You Define Drunk?From Judge Buddie J. Hahn, Texas Bar Journal, Vol. 50, No. 11 ? December 1987.Q. On the day that Twine was shot, were you intoxicated?A. I definitely was not.Q. Had you been drinking that day?A. I drank a few beers...

December 1990 - Did I Really Hear

Posted on September 11, 2008
December 1990 - Did I Really Hear That?From Parker C. Folst, III of Houston (Susman Godfrey), this excerpt from a deposition in a RICO case taken by his partner, Ken Marks; the witness was "the chairman of a New York-based investment banking company"- who was not too "bashful about volunteering his opinions concerning a former employee...

June 2007 - Classic TyposJames

Posted on September 10, 2008
June 2007 - Classic TyposJames A. Newsom of Houston Munisteri, Sprott, Rigby, Newsom & Robbins) found this typo in a letter he received from a Beaumont attorney:Mr. Newsom,I have provided LexisNexis with your contact information on behalf of John Crane, Inc...

July 2005 - Ozzie and HarriettThese

Posted on September 09, 2008
July 2005 - Ozzie and HarriettThese two contributions are from Stephen A. Doggett of Richmond from his examination of the husband in a divorce case:Q. So, what are you saying? Are you saying she is not a good mother? ?A. I?m just saying that sometimes I may have felt that she did things I wouldn?t have done...

February 2003 - Don't Leave Me

Posted on September 08, 2008
February 2003 - Don't Leave Me OutFrom Donald J. Drago of Austin, upon the review of a document shown as an exception on a commitment for title insurance covering a tract of land in Harrison County, this "restrictive covenant" found in a Warranty Deed from the Smiths (the sellers) to an investment entity:Item No...

July 2008 - The Death CertificateL.T.

Posted on September 05, 2008
July 2008 - The Death CertificateL.T. ?Butch? Bradt, of Houston, found this title contribution in the case of Rodriguez v. Rodriguez in Fort Bend County. ?Dear Sir, I cannot believe that you would fax my office any kind of motion. Especially not an Emergency Ex-Parte Motion to Retain Case on Court?s Docket...

May 2008 - I Was A Hot DogThis

Posted on September 04, 2008
May 2008 - I Was A Hot DogThis contribution from District Judge Ron Ennis of Dumas (69th Judicial District). It involves a wrongful termination case that Ron heard by assignment in Randall County, Charlotte Bingham of Crenshaw, Dupree & Milam of Lubbock was questioning the jury panel about their experience with losing employment...

July 1993 - Did They Really Say

Posted on September 03, 2008
July 1993 - Did They Really Say That?From Scott Ozmun of Austin (Whitehurst, Harkness, etc), this excerpt from the deposition of the daughter of Scott's client in a breast implant case.Q. And what do you mean by "deformed"?A. Well, her breasts were -Q...

June 2002 - Did They Really Say

Posted on September 02, 2008
June 2002 - Did They Really Say That?From District Judge Bob McCoy of Fort Worth (48th District Court), this statement made by a pro se plaintiff to Judge McCoy and defense counsel in chambers:?I am going to sue them all for alienation of infection (sic) and I am going to do it in Federal Court...

January 2002 - Did They Really

Posted on August 29, 2008
January 2002 - Did They Really Say That?From Al Ellis of Dallas (Al is of counsel with Howie & Sweeney), this excerpt from ?a routine personal injury deposition? in which he received ?the final answer as to why the divorce occurred.?Q. What was the reason for your mom?s first divorce, if you know?A...

June 1994 - I'm Not a Mercenary

Posted on August 28, 2008
June 1994 - I'm Not a Mercenary SwineFrom William W. Parish of Dallas, these end-of-deposition comments by a physician, who had just been cross-examined by the opposing attorney.Mr. Parish: Okay, doctor. Then you will waive the reading and signing of the deposition?Witness: Or maybe I shouldn't waive it until I get my check from you since this guy is calling me a mercenary swine...

June 1993 - Drinkin', Divorcin',

Posted on August 27, 2008
June 1993 - Drinkin', Divorcin', and Dressin' from the DryerFrom Jimmy L. Verner, Jr. of Dallas (Koons, Fuller & Vanden Eykel), these excerpts from his deposition of the wife in a divorce case - where Jimmy is doing the best to "try to root out all the fault in the break-up of the marriage...

December 1994 - It Ain't Gonna

Posted on August 26, 2008
December 1994 - It Ain't Gonna Work For YouFrom Coyt Randal Johnston of Dallas (Johnston & Budner), two excerpts from a six-week products liability trial involving the sleeping pill, Halcion. Randal and Mike Mosher represented the plaintiffs, and Randal's opening statement "made a big point that no witnesses would testify they had ever seen [Randal's plaintiff] use illegal drugs" - thus setting the stage for this exchange during Randal's direct examination of the former wife of his client:Q...

January 2006 - Let's Talk About

Posted on August 25, 2008
January 2006 - Let's Talk About Something ImportantThis deposition excerpt was submitted by Kristine Arlitt of San Antonio (Kristine practices with Christopher J. Weber).The deposition was taken in Kerrville in the case of Castlecomb Homeowners Association v...

February 1999 - Lawyers are NextFrom

Posted on August 22, 2008
February 1999 - Lawyers are NextFrom Amy K. Rosenberg of Fort Collins, Colo. (Liggett, Smith & Williams), this trial excerpt from a "marriage dissolution proceeding" in which Amy's colleague, Michael Liggett, "was cross-examing the soon-to-be ex-wife" regarding some of her expenditures...

April 1991 - Did I Really Hear

Posted on August 21, 2008
April 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?Tom Whitlock of Denton contributes this trial excerpt from "a mental health probable cause hearing in which he represented the proposed patient." Tom is cross-examining the mother of his client:Q.Has she ever [acted suicidal] or threatened to hurt anyone else?A...

July 1997 - Making Buck Myer's

Posted on August 20, 2008
July 1997 - Making Buck Myer's ColumnFrom Loren G. Klitsas of Houston (Celedonia, Smith & Klitsas), this excerpt from the long cross-examination of an investigating police officer "recording his opinions as to the cause of the traffic accident."Q...

June 2003 - I Can NowFrom Joseph

Posted on August 19, 2008
June 2003 - I Can NowFrom Joseph Jacobson, Texas Bar Journal, Vol. 49, No. 4 ? April 1986.Q. Isn?t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?A. Yes, it is, but you can?t prove it!

January 1996 - East Texas SlangFrom

Posted on August 18, 2008
January 1996 - East Texas SlangFrom Raymond W. Cozby, III of Tyler (Cowles & Thompson), this closing argument made by his brother, Andrew J. Cozby, the prosecutor in a criminal trial in Houston:Mr. Cozby: Members of the jury, I appreciate your patience during this trial...

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