Law Humor

December 1996 - The Court Reporters

Posted on November 19, 2009
December 1996 - The Court Reporters Have Done It Again!Lynn Brooks of Dallas, who is (among other things) the book review editor of the Journal of Court Reporters, writes:Court: To the charge of driving while intoxicated, how do you plead?A. Drunk.***Q, And when was that?A...

October 1993 - Number One Easy

Posted on November 18, 2009
October 1993 - Number One Easy StreetFrom Hollis Horton of Beaumont (Orgain, Bell, etc.), this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition in a workers' compensation case - which was settled, "sometime after the deposition, for an amount which reportedly allowed the plaintiff to maintain his standard of living...

September 1993 - More From the

Posted on November 17, 2009
September 1993 - More From the Buchmeyer TrialsFrom an environmental criminal trial (the charges were illegal dumping of hazardous wastes):Q. Isn't it a fact that ABC Corporation converted to non-lead glaze in 1990 - two years before your company?A. That is not a fact - and it's not true, either...

November 2000 - Did They Really

Posted on November 16, 2009
November 2000 - Did They Really Say That?From Bruce D. Bain of Tyler (Bain, Files, Jarrett & Bain), this "rather unique definition" of the term "tangible things" in Interrogatories served on Bruce's female client in a "divorce and custody battle."For the purposed of these interrogatories, the phrase "tangible thing" means any material inanimate object or living organism other than human and also includes any human being or part thereof displaying relevant information communicable in any manner other than by the testimony of that human being.

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January 1996 - East Texas SlangFrom

Posted on November 13, 2009
January 1996 - East Texas SlangFrom Raymond W. Cozby, III of Tyler (Cowles & Thompson), this closing argument made by his brother, Andrew J. Cozby, the prosecutor in a criminal trial in Houston:Mr. Cozby: Members of the jury, I appreciate your patience during this trial...

October 1995 - Did They Really

Posted on November 12, 2009
October 1995 - Did They Really Say That?Q. You are absolutely sure of that?A. I'm positive of that, sir, I think.___Q. Do you know of any witnesses to the accident?A. Well, none except the ones that saw it.___Q. When you got to the hospital, they took 12 stitches in your head?A...

July 1994 - A Tendency to RambleFrom

Posted on November 10, 2009
July 1994 - A Tendency to RambleFrom William T. Little of Houston (Gilpin, Paxson & Bersch), this excerpt form the plaintiff's deposition in a personal injury case - with the warning that the witness was a "colorful older gentleman who had a tendency to ramble...

September 1993 - Did I Really Hear

Posted on November 09, 2009
September 1993 - Did I Really Hear That?From J. Burke McCormick of Richmond, VA (Little, Parsley & Cluverius), this excerpt from a deposition he took "in a construction lawsuit between the developer of a large apartment complex (my client) and the general contractor on the project...

November 1994 - The Cheapest Chickens

Posted on November 06, 2009
November 1994 - The Cheapest Chickens in TownFrom Jaki Jones of Houston (Jaki is the secretary of Philip S. Gordon of Gustafon & Venzke), these excerpts from the deposition of Mrs. Jimmie Johnson - the plaintiff's best friend, who saw her (Mrs. McCoy) being assaulted in a grocery store parking lot in Houston...

October 1997 - The Trial: State

Posted on November 05, 2009
October 1997 - The Trial: State Your Name PleaseFrom Kathryn M. Kase, of Albany, N.Y. (who "used to be a Texas lawyer"), this excerpt from a murder case tried by her and Terence L. Kindlon, who is conducting cross-examination.Q, Ernest Horge is your name...

September 1995 - Hints From HeloiseFrom

Posted on November 04, 2009
September 1995 - Hints From HeloiseFrom Richard A. Hipp of Houston, this excerpt from the deposition of one of the plaintiffs in a "termite case." Richard sets the scene: The plaintiffs discovered several colonies of termites in their newly purchased home; after filing suit, the plaintiff "removed the interior sheetrock from the two bedrooms where the insects were located," choosing to "peacefully coexist" with the termites untreated and with the sheetrock removed - "until these fateful events...

July 1994 - Did He Really Ask That?From

Posted on November 03, 2009
July 1994 - Did He Really Ask That?From Barbara LeGrande of Fort Myers, FL ( LeGande & LeGrande), this excerpt form a murder trial; Barbara's client had been found guilty - and her partner and husband, J.L. "Ray" LeGrande, was examining a "mitigation witness," the defendant's brother...

November 1993 - What Kind of Doctor

Posted on November 02, 2009
November 1993 - What Kind of Doctor Is He?From Jack C. Eisenberg of Austin (Byrd, Davis & Eisenberg), this excerpt from the deposition of a personal injury plaintiff:Q. Do you know a Dr. Parker? A. Yes. It was - the 9th is when I had an appointment with Dr...

September 1997 - Did They Really

Posted on October 30, 2009
September 1997 - Did They Really Say That?From Sharon E. Conway of Houston (Evans, Kosot, etc.), this excerpt from the deposition of her client in a DTPA/fraud case, which involved the wrongful repossession of a truck purchased by her client.Q. Has he been treated for any injuries in this case?A...

July 1994 - Did He Really Ask That?From

Posted on October 29, 2009
July 1994 - Did He Really Ask That?From Keith M. Fletcher of Houston (Simmons & Fletcher), this excerpt from the deposition of his client in a personal injury/auto accident case.Q.  When were you hospitalized?A. '83 at Memorial Southwest. I had my gallbladder taken out by Dr...

November 1996 - To "Wayward in

Posted on October 28, 2009
November 1996 - To "Wayward in Port Arthur"From Al Weisenberger of El Paso, this letter - sent to Al by his father, Royce Weisenberger, a retired state district judge in Hope, Ak. - which was written in 1927 by Hope attorney Luke F. Monroe "to an apparently wayward wife in Port Arthur, Texas...

October 1995 - And The Child WitnessQ.

Posted on October 27, 2009
October 1995 - And The Child WitnessQ. And lastly, Gary, all of your responses must be oral, okay? What school do you go to?A. Oral.Q. And where do you live?A. Oral.

July 1993 - The Expert and the

Posted on October 26, 2009
July 1993 - The Expert and the Tooth FairyFrom Robinson C. Ramsey of Wharton, this excerpt from the deposition of an economist - taken by Darryl Carter of Houston (Soules & Walace).Q. Well, let me ask you this: You've determined that in your best judgment to fully compensate Mr...

July 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?From

Posted on October 23, 2009
July 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?From J. Michael Weston of Dallas (Alexander & Weston), this "objection, ruling and aftermath" from a case tried before Judge David Brooks (191st District Court):Q. Mr. Tafacory, on that morning, did you see cars pull into the parking lot at the premises?A...

September 1999 - From The Buchmeyer

Posted on September 29, 2009
September 1999 - From The Buchmeyer CourtQ. Did you take the defendant's deposition?A. Yes, I took his deposition here in the federal building in a room on the 13th floor.Q. And was the defendant present for that deposition?_____Q. Did your husband ever suggest that you answer my questions, "Not that I recall?"A...

May 1990 - Many of Us Have the

Posted on September 28, 2009
May 1990 - Many of Us Have the Same Problem TomJerome Aldrich of Angleton (and a Brazoria County assistant district attorney) sent this trial excerpt with the simple observation that it "shows that prosecutor Tom Selleck (not related to the movie star of the same name) and the defense attorney, Lloyd Stansbury, wanted during jury voir dire was an UNBIASED jury...

June 1985 - Have You Ever Been

Posted on September 25, 2009
June 1985 - Have You Ever Been in Trouble with the Law?This excerpt from an actual deposition originally appeared in the book "I Solemnly Swear" by Houston court reporter Jerry von Sternberg (Carlton Press, 1978).Q. Have you ever had any trouble with the law?A...

March 2002- And Then Things Went

Posted on September 24, 2009
March 2002- And Then Things Went Downhill...From Steven C. Laird of Fort Worth (Russell, Turner, Laird & Jones), a contribution from the trial of a medical negligence case. The excerpt is ?the very beginning of the cross-examination of the plaintiffs? nursing expert? ­ a ?very attractive, statuesque nurse in her early 40?s...

November 2001 - The Truth Would

Posted on September 23, 2009
November 2001 - The Truth Would Be FineFrom Jeff Doran of Palestine, these excerpts from his deposition of the opposing party in a will contest.A. We went to his [the lawyer's] office.Q. And what did he give you?A. He gave us some papers, but I don't know what they were...

December 1999 - Read My LipsFrom

Posted on September 22, 2009
December 1999 - Read My LipsFrom Cindy Madole of Dallas (Cindy, an attorney with International Paper, was formerly with Shank, Irwin & Concert in Dallas), this excerpt from a deposition taken years ago "in a rather heated securities fraud lawsuit" - by Bill Chaney (who was then with the Shank, Irwin firm, but who is now with Whittenburg, Whittenburg & Shaster)...

November 1996 - Did They Really

Posted on September 21, 2009
November 1996 - Did They Really Say That?From John H. Spurgin, II of Austin (McGinnis, Lochridge & Kilgore), this excerpt from his deposition of the plaintiff in a wrongful discharge case:Q. Did Rusty White ever attack your person? Did he ever assault you?A...

June 1998 - How Long Were You Dead?From

Posted on September 18, 2009
June 1998 - How Long Were You Dead?From Douglas M. Barlow of Beaumont, these excerpts from the voir dire examination in a capital murder case, of a potential juror who seemed "to be an expert on death."Q. Have you ever been arrested for anything else, Mr...

November 1997 - Al Ellis ... In

Posted on September 17, 2009
November 1997 - Al Ellis ... In Print Again!From Al Ellis of Dallas (Al is now at Howie & Sweeney, and he claims to be getting a regular paycheck), this two-fer he submitted first by phone, and later by this letter:Dear Jerry:If it weren't for the humor in this business, we would all be babbling (sic) idiots...

November 1996 - Classic TyposFrom

Posted on September 16, 2009
November 1996 - Classic TyposFrom "anonymous" in Houston, a form from "a local nursing facility" which contained this handwritten explanation of the reason for termination of an employee:Reason for Separation: Miss Gross Conduct.Anonymous suggests that "perhaps there should be a 'Miss Gross Conduct' Pageant...

September 1995 - Did They Really

Posted on September 15, 2009
September 1995 - Did They Really Say That?From Judge David V. Wilson of Lufkin (217th District Court), this excerpt from a temporary hearing to establish paternity. Judge Wilson sets the scene: "The attorney fro the wife, without objection from the husband's attorney, brought out some evidence about the husband physically abusing her (which was totally irrelevant to the subject matter of the hearing)...

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