Law Humor

March 1995 - If You Don't Understand My Questions ...

Posted on January 12, 2010
From Al Ellis of Dallas, this excerpt from the deposition of a witness who knew "how to follow instructions to the letter":Q. My name is Al Ellis. I represent the plaintiff in a lawsuit, and I am going to ask you some questions in regard to his fall that he had back in June 1990, and perhaps some surrounding facts...

May 1998 - What Is It That You Don't Remember?

Posted on January 11, 2010
From John T. Ritter of Austin (Davis & Davis), this excerpt from a memorable deposition.Q. Let me ask you this: Do you have any memory problems? Do you have problems recalling things, from time to time?A. From time to time.Q. Do you know why? Is it secondary to some medication you're taking, or something like that?A...

October 2003 - Not Strange At All

Posted on January 07, 2010
From William A. Agnew, Jr. of Lufkin, this excerpt from ?a non-death penalty capital appeal? before Judge Paul White (159th Judicial District in Angelina County). Charles Meyers was cross-examining a witness named David Yount when this exchange took place...

September 2005 - ?Transquips?

Posted on January 05, 2010
From Lynn Brooks of DeSoto, who is a certified shorthand reporter:Q. You must have been hurt in some event. What type of injury did you get?A. Finger mashed.Q. Nothing you lost time from work from?A. (Indicating)Q. I?m sorry?A. Got a burn here. I didn?t lose any time...

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July 1991 - Doing Voir Dire

Posted on January 04, 2010
Robert Myers of San Antonio (Willis, Hickey, etc) not only believes "that the risks of trial far outweighed the risks of depositions," he is convinced "that certain aspects of trial (most notably voir dire examination) are more dangerous still."Juror No...

June 1989 - Did I Really Hear That?

Posted on December 31, 2009
James P. Walker, Jr. of Dallas (McKinley, Dubner) shares an excerpt from the deposition of a bankruptcy debtor who is serving time for stock fraud at the La Tuna Federal Corrections Institution. This cross-examination is by Wade Williams of Galveston (Mills, Shirley)...

July 1994 - Did He Really Say That?

Posted on December 30, 2009
From Martin Randal Merritt of Dallas, this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition.Q. Have you ever been injured before?A. No. I'll swear on my mother's eyes to that.Q. Where is your mother?

December 1997 - From Anonymous in Houston

Posted on December 29, 2009
These three contributions are from a retired state judge in Houston:1) In a trial before the late Judge Joe Kegan (230th District Court), the assistant district attorney asked: "Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next."2) In this deposition in Angelina County, the insurance company's attorney is trying to determine if Ms...

As An Older Judge - December 1999

Posted on December 28, 2009
In response to my letter asking the parties in one of my cases to agree to a trial before Magistrate Judge Bill Sanderson, I received this reply from the plaintiff's lawyer (which caused me to take the rest of the day off).I discussed your letter at length with my client...

January 2005 - The Memory Problem

Posted on December 23, 2009
From Alex Katzman of San Antonio(Katzman & Katzman), this excerptfrom the deposition of a human resourcesemployee in a gender discrimination andretaliation case:Q. Okay. The testimony that yougave, was it incident to a lawsuitbrought by an employee for CPS?A...

January 2000 - A TYPO TRIFECTA

Posted on December 22, 2009
From Bruce J. Denny of Shreveport(Cook, Yancey, etc.), this precedent-settingTriple Typo mix (one written,two verbal):(1) A divorce decree which provided"The parties shall not use the childrenor third parties as the soul means ofcommunications with each other...

February 2001 - Did They Really

Posted on December 18, 2009
February 2001 - Did They Really Say That?From Judge David R. Gibson of Dallas (County Court at Law No. 1) this excerpt from am affidavit filed in connection with a special appearance in his court:11. On Nov 2nd, 1992, I attended a business meeting at the offices of Smith Import and Export Company as an observer...

May 1990 - The Cindy Singleton

Posted on December 17, 2009
May 1990 - The Cindy Singleton CollectionFrom Cindy Singleton this excerpt after cleaning out her desk during her last week at the Tarrant County D.A.'s office.Judge: Is the defendant known by any other name?Defense: Do you have an a.k.a?Defendant: Hell Lady, I don't even have a car!

March 1998 - The Energizer BunnyFrom

Posted on December 16, 2009
March 1998 - The Energizer BunnyFrom Marion J. Borchers of New Braunfels, this excerpt from a pleading filed in a bankruptcy court in the Southern District of California. In the case, "the ex-husband of the debtor opposed the sale of land in Comal County, Texas and appealed an adverse ruling, lost three motions to stay, and then filed an ex parte motion for clarification" - which drew this response from Jeffrey Isaacs of San Diego, Calif...

March 1987 - At The Harris County

Posted on December 15, 2009
March 1987 - At The Harris County CourthouseJudge Frank Price, asking a defendant whether anyone had promised him an easy sentence in exchange for pleading guilty:Q. Has anyone led you to believe the governor will pardon you if you plead guilty?A. Well, I haven't been home judge, but he might have called my mother.

May 1992 - An Unprepared WitnessFrom

Posted on December 14, 2009
May 1992 - An Unprepared WitnessFrom Thomas M. Harlan of Alvin, this excerpt from a deposition he took in a child custody case:Q. Are you asking me to believe this undying mother's love will spring forth ...A. Mr. Harlan, I don't want you to believe anything I say...

June 1987 - Did I Really Hear That?JUDGE

Posted on December 11, 2009
June 1987 - Did I Really Hear That?JUDGE (scolding prosecutor): You cannot ask that witness what he was told by someone else. If you want that evidence in, you will have to get it some other way.PROSECUTOR: Very well them, Mr. Davies. Without telling me what he said to you, what did he tell you to say?

April 2005 - A Marvelous AnswerThis

Posted on December 10, 2009
April 2005 - A Marvelous AnswerThis contribution from David W. Lindemood of Midland is from a CPS trial before District Judge Dean Rucker (318th District Court) in which Lindemood was the attorney ad litem for the child. The witness, who was the CASA guardian ad litem, is being questioned by Chris McCormack of Midland...

April 1991 - Did I Really Hear

Posted on December 09, 2009
April 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?Tom Whitlock of Denton contributes this trial excerpt from "a mental health probable cause hearing in which he represented the proposed patient." Tom is cross-examining the mother of his client:Q.Has she ever [acted suicidal] or threatened to hurt anyone else?A...

January 2004 - That's Good Advice!This

Posted on December 08, 2009
January 2004 - That's Good Advice!This contribution, from Carl Pipoly and Melissa Brantner of San Antonio, is from a personal injury trial where the defense counsel violated a motion in limine by injecting the workers' compensation case into the trial...

February 2001 - Did They Really

Posted on December 07, 2009
February 2001 - Did They Really Say That?From David L. Zedler of Sherman, this contribution that occurred during testimony in a recent jury trial.A. The last time I saw [the child who was the subject of the suit], she was eating a bowl of goldfish.Mr...

October 1993 - Back to the BasicsFrom

Posted on December 04, 2009
October 1993 - Back to the BasicsFrom Charles R. Erickson of Houston (Triton Tool & Supply), these deposition excerpts from a "typical oil field personal injury case with numerous defendants, cross-plaintiffs and, of course, attorneys":Q. Are you married?A...

November 1994 - Pleading of the

Posted on December 03, 2009
November 1994 - Pleading of the MonthFrom Carol A. Bourgeois, CLA of Austin (Carol is a paralegal with Babb & Bradshaw), this jury demand filed in Travis County by Eric Yollick of The Woodlands:Comes now M&M Conracting, Inc., Defendant, and states that, pursuant to the Constitution of our beloved United States of America and pursuant to the Constitution of the Great, Sovereign, and Mighty State of Texas, the Lone Star State and Home of the World Champion Houston Rockets, M&M Contractors demands a trial by a jury of its peers and declares that all fees, which the learned Rules of Civil Procedure and the laws of our beautiful State, Home of El Capitan in the West and Piney Woods of the East, have been paid.

June 1992 - A Bill Reid "Two-fer"From

Posted on December 02, 2009
June 1992 - A Bill Reid "Two-fer"From William (Bill) Reid of Austin (assistant district attorney, and chief of appellant division), this excerpt from a sentencing hearing before Judge Jon Wisser of Austin (299th District Court).The Court: The State of Texas v...

January 1990 - Did I Really Say

Posted on December 01, 2009
January 1990 - Did I Really Say That?Judge Robert Lee Eschenburg, II of Floresville (218th District Court) notes that "you rarely write about a judge's goof" ? and contributes one of his own:I have just finished a criminal trial. During the final argument by one of the attorneys, the other attorney raised an objection...

September 1998 - Did They Really

Posted on November 30, 2009
September 1998 - Did They Really Say That?From a federal court criminal trial in Dallas:Mr. Hunter: Your Honor, I understand that our witness had gone to the parking lot to retrieve his glasses. So I understand we're going to be penalized for it, but that's what we're waiting for...

October 1994 - The Jim Cowles CollectionFrom

Posted on November 25, 2009
October 1994 - The Jim Cowles CollectionFrom Jim E. Cowles of Dallas (Cowles & Thompson), this from a plaintiff's deposition - one of the "3,032 plaintiffs ... in the infamous Lone Star Steel cases, pending in Morris County since 1987" - taken by Jim Harris of Beaumont (Holmes & Harris)...

February 1996 - Did He Really Say

Posted on November 24, 2009
February 1996 - Did He Really Say That?From James V. Roberts of Dallas (Mankoff, Hill, etc.), this paragraph he discovered in a proposed contract drafted by the "other attorney":"Notwithstanding anything to the contrary contained in this agreement, the covenants, warranties, releases, and agreements made in this agreement shall survive the execution and delivery of this agreement...

June 1989 - Did I Really Say That?From

Posted on November 23, 2009
June 1989 - Did I Really Say That?From a telephone hearing conducted by one of the bankruptcy judges in Dallas: the judge has been advised that 12 attorneys are ready for him on the conference call.The Court: Okay. Thank you. I'm going to give the decision on the motion...

May 1999 - Dilbert Strikes BackThis

Posted on November 20, 2009
May 1999 - Dilbert Strikes BackThis contribution and its title from James A. Newsom of Houston (Munister, Sprott, etc.). James explains that this excerpt is from "an utterly fascinating deposition of an engineer/hydrologist in a case in which plaintiff's claim inverse condemnation due to flooding...

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