Law Humor

Ruth Passing By On Passover

Posted on April 08, 2009
Bernie Sweetheart, I'm getting ready to go to Ezra's for the Seder--but wanted to drop you this note. I actually don't even want to go, but Ezra sounded lonely on the phone and insisted that we come by. I'm bringing Esmeralda to taste test, just in case...

Mark The New Matriarch??

Posted on April 06, 2009
Dad-Even with North Korea blasting nukes into space, it seems that the media can't stop focusing on us.While you're cooling your heels, Uncle Pete's become as frozen as a Popsicle, and Mom, contrary to what she blogged on your blog, was actually caught shoplifting in the Neiman's down in Boca...

Ruth Returns

Posted on April 06, 2009
Dear Diary, I finally did it. It took all my courage, but I went to see Bernie at that terrible place this afternoon.It took forever for the car to get that far downtown. All of those idiot reporters were busy chasing after Ezra, so nobody even knew I was back in town...

Midas is STILL The Madoff Matriarch

Posted on April 06, 2009
Mark, Sometimes I can't believe you are really our kid. I thought Andy was always the slow one.Ezra's been trying to get his fat ass in to see me for the past two days, and all you can think about is yourself?? Mom and I are not having "issues"...

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Ezra's Irked-More Finger Pointing...Oy!

Posted on April 06, 2009
From: EzraTo: BernieThere aren't enough plagues that can attack your tush right now.1. You and your sons and your meshugenah blog! You didn't learn what happens when you let your smart ass sons post about 'upcoming events"??First your little pisher Andrew tells the world about that goniff Alan Stanford, and a week later, the guy's name and photograph are on the front page of BusinessWeek, and three days after that, he's charged with who knows what by the SEC...

Brotherly Love: From Bernie

Posted on April 05, 2009
To: Peter MadoffFrom: Bernard Madoff #61727-054: I love you, but You're a SHMUCK! Remember who it is that's sitting in a cell at the MCC?? That would be me - your brother, your OLDER brother. The one who made you and everyone else Rich Beyond Their Wildest Dreams...

Ruth Reserves Her Rights..

Posted on April 05, 2009
Bernie, Not That I Owe You An Explanation, considering... So some bitch whose name I do not know "says" she "sighted" me shopping at Neiman's in Boca! First of all, if this nameless woman victim lost "all her money", what was SHE doing at Neimans?? Ha! Second of all, not only have they have SEIZED my house, which was supposed to be mine forever, almost all my Florida clothes were in there, so of course I needed to pick some things up...

Madoff's Guide On How To Get By on Only $10k/Month

Posted on April 04, 2009
Bernie-You and your f--king blog.Like a good "little brother", I've followed you around like a butler for 30 years, and I made sure that the chairs and desks in your office, the plane, and your god damned boat were clean enough to lick.If Annette forgot to clean the dust off the printer cartridges, who the f--k do you think took out the little toothbrush to wipe them clean??Who do you think wiped the boogers off the arm rests on YOUR private plane???!!!What did I get?? One f--king point???? Sure, I've got the McMansions here and in Palm Beach, but when did I get to enjoy them??Remember--it was me doing the cleaning, and me shlepping to those f--king STA conferences to press the flesh and have cocktails and dinners with everyone in the industry...

Madoff's Guide On How To Get By on Only $10k/Month

Posted on April 04, 2009
Bernie-You and your f--king blog.Like a good "little brother", I've followed you around like a butler for 30 years, and I made sure that the chairs and desks in your office, the plane, and your god damned boat were clean enough to lick.If Annette forgot to clean the dust off the printer cartridges, who the f--k do you think took out the little toothbrush to wipe them clean??Who do you think wiped the boogers off the arm rests on YOUR private plane???!!!What did I get?? One f--king point???? Sure, I've got the McMansions here and in Palm Beach, but when did I get to enjoy them??Remember--it was me doing the cleaning, and me shlepping to those f--king STA conferences to press the flesh and have cocktails and dinners with everyone in the industry...

MA Lawmaker Seizes Bernie's Blog-Beantown Barrister Gets Frank

Posted on April 03, 2009
From:The Honorable William Galvin, Massachusetts Secretary of State To: All Visitors To This Blog In connection with ongoing investigations into civil matters being prosecuted by the State of Massachusetts, this blog has been officially seized by order of William Galvin, Massachusetts Secretary of State...

MA Lawmaker Seizes Bernie's Blog-Beantown Barrister Gets Frank

Posted on April 03, 2009
From:The Honorable William Galvin, Massachusetts Secretary of State To: All Visitors To This Blog In connection with ongoing investigations into civil matters being prosecuted by the State of Massachusetts, this blog has been officially seized by order of William Galvin, Massachusetts Secretary of State...

Ruth Rips Bernie Another One...

Posted on April 02, 2009
To: Prisoner #61727-054From: His WifeAfter the shock I had when I was in the girls room at Publix, and overheard about your interview with that bitch from CNBC, even the damn defib wouldn't have been able to get me off that rancid floor.Fortunately, Nancy and Al were kind enough to pick me up, and who did I run in to when we pulled into the driveway??Obviously my keys don't work now, and whatever moron lawyer that you and your half-wit brother hired to take care of the Homestead thing should be sued for malpractice...

Clowns To The Left....Jokers To The Right

Posted on April 02, 2009
To: Walter NoelCEO, Fairfield Greenwich GroupFrom: Jeff TuckerFirst- I don't like the way Andre is looking at me. If anybody's behaved like a horse's ass, its him. I told you that he should have been padlocked in a stable at Stone Bridge!If his 'friends' in Brazil get hold off of him, he's going to find out that stilleto's aren't just shoes...

Ruth Rips Bernie Another One...

Posted on April 02, 2009
To: Prisoner #61727-054From: His WifeAfter the shock I had when I was in the girls room at Publix, and overheard about your interview with that bitch from CNBC, even the damn defib wouldn't have been able to get me off that rancid floor.Fortunately, Nancy and Al were kind enough to pick me up, and who did I run in to when we pulled into the driveway??Obviously my keys don't work now, and whatever moron lawyer that you and your half-wit brother hired to take care of the Homestead thing should be sued for malpractice...

Clowns To The Left....Jokers To The Right

Posted on April 02, 2009
To: Walter NoelSemi-Retired CEO,Fairfield Greenwich GroupFrom: Jeff TuckerSemi-Retired PartnerFairfield Greenwich GroupFirst- I don't like the way Andres is looking at me.If anybody's behaved like a horse's ass, its him. I told you that he should have been padlocked in a stable at Stone Bridge!If his 'friends' in Brazil get hold off of him, he's going to find out that stilletos aren't just shoes...

CNBC Interview With Bernie: Un-Biased and Unedited Version

Posted on April 01, 2009
April 1 exclusive interview with CNBC's Jane Wells has been reprinted in full without the permission of GE, NBC Universal or CNBC, because they edited the original version, and WE DON'T NEED THEIR PERMISSION. All rights reserved. JW: Hi Bernie, I can call you Bernie, right? BLM: You can call me anything you want, Janey (wink wink) JW: Well, thank you for agreeing to answer a few of my questions...

Temperature Drops in Greenwich

Posted on April 01, 2009
From: Walter NoelFounder, Fairfield Greenwich GroupTo Bernie MadoffHowever entertaining your interview with Jane Wells might have been for the two of you, we're aghast here in Greenwich.Monica has never been so humiliated in her life, and our girls are now being accosted on Greenwich Avenue...

CNBC Interview With Bernie: Un-Biased and Unedited Version

Posted on April 01, 2009
April 1 exclusive interview with CNBC's Jane Wells has been reprinted in full without the permission of GE, NBC Universal or CNBC, because they edited the original version, and WE DON'T NEED THEIR PERMISSION. All rights reserved. JW: Hi Bernie, I can call you Bernie, right? BLM: You can call me anything you want, Janey (wink wink) JW: Well, thank you for agreeing to answer a few of my questions...

Temperature Drops in Greenwich

Posted on April 01, 2009
From: Walter NoelFounder, Fairfield Greenwich GroupTo Bernie MadoffHowever entertaining your interview with Jane Wells might have been for the two of you, we're aghast here in Greenwich.Monica has never been so humiliated in her life, and our girls are now being accosted on Greenwich Avenue...

Birthday Wishes From Bernie ...Blonde Bimbos???

Posted on March 31, 2009
To: Jane Wells, NBC UniversalFrom: Bernard Madoff #61727-054Dear Little Janey-As much as my ass is blistering right now, if you only saw the note that was slipped under my cell door this morning, you'd understand how much I appreciate your sending me this autographed photo of yourself, even if you only intended it as a reminder about your birthday...

Bernie's Blisters:Challenges MCC Up-Dick Rule

Posted on March 31, 2009
Ira- This memo was slid under the bars this morning, and I'm blistering about it!The word hasn't apparently reached these morons that Dick Cheney is being sued by Spain for violating exactly the types of things they are doing to me in here!TO: Bernard Madoff From: S...

Birthday Wishes From Bernie ...Blonde Bimbos???

Posted on March 31, 2009
To: Jane Wells, NBC UniversalFrom: Bernard Madoff #61727-054Dear Little Janey-As much as my ass is blistering right now, if you only saw the note that was slipped under my cell door this morning, you'd understand how much I appreciate your sending me this autographed photo of yourself, even if you only intended it as a reminder about your birthday...

Bernie's Blisters:Challenges MCC Up-Dick Rule

Posted on March 31, 2009
Ira- This memo was slid under the bars this morning, and I'm blistering about it!The word hasn't apparently reached these morons that Dick Cheney is being sued by Spain for violating exactly the types of things they are doing to me in here!TO: Bernard Madoff From: S...

Madoff Pecadillos, PR , and a Proactive Approach

Posted on March 30, 2009
To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Eric StarkmanPresident, Starkman & AssociatesDear Bernie:I hope you don't mind me calling you Bernie, but after reading yesterday's Newsday, including the comments made by Raoul Felder over to the right, whom you've already heard from, as has your wife, I can only respectfully suggest that your decision to go with Burson-Marsteller should be re-visited...

Midas Madoff; Mad as Hell!..

Posted on March 30, 2009
From: Mr. Bernard L. Madoff 61727-054ATo: Mr. Eric Fartman, I mean StarkmanPresident of Whatever ..Dear Mr. Starkman, This to acknowledge receipt of your moronic letter.1. No, You most certainly may NOT call me Bernie. We have never met, and we never will...

Midas Madoff; Mad as Hell!..

Posted on March 30, 2009
From: Mr. Bernard L. Madoff 61727-054ATo: Mr. Eric Fartman, I mean StarkmanPresident of Whatever ..Dear Mr. Starkman, This to acknowledge receipt of your moronic letter.1. No, You most certainly may NOT call me Bernie. We have never met, and we never will...

Madoff Pecadillos, PR , and a Proactive Approach

Posted on March 30, 2009
To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Eric StarkmanPresident, Starkman & AssociatesDear Bernie:I hope you don't mind me calling you Bernie, but after reading yesterday's Newsday, including the comments made by Raoul Felder over to the right, whom you've already heard from, as has your wife, I can only respectfully suggest that your decision to go with Burson-Marsteller should be re-visited...

Stanely Bing's Exclusive Interview With Bernie..Its Worth a Fortune!

Posted on March 28, 2009
Since Fortune's Stanley Bing is an insider, and on the Board of MIDAS, it was only fair to feed him the first of the interviews that I've decided to grant. Stanley said he gets claustrophobic, so he sent in one of his enablers to take care of everything...

Ruth Hits The Restylane

Posted on March 28, 2009
To: Berniecc: Ira Sorkin, Esq.cc: Peter Chavkin, Esq.cc: Lev The Douche Dassincc:Irving The Nose Picker PicardBoys:It's 9 PM Saturday night. We had an early dinner with Nancy and Al at The Forge, a place that nobody would recognize us, especially at that hour, and now, we are safely in our FULLY owned Homestead Protected houses in Palm Beach!!We would have gone over to Mar-A-Lago, but I absolutely refuse to spend three cents if it profits that bastard Trump...

Editorial Note-Update

Posted on March 27, 2009
So I suppose I need to make an update..Jodi's too f--king busy at her bakery.Two days ago I said right here that I thought the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee should do the right thing and pass back the $100k that donated.What do you know?? The power of this blog is just f--king amazing, almost as good as my Midas touch when it comes to trading!!Per this link, DSCC said they'd send 100k back to Picard, as soon as they raise it from new investors...

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