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Madoff Pecadillos, PR , and a Proactive Approach

To: Bernie Madoff
From: Eric Starkman
President, Starkman & Associates

Dear Bernie:

I hope you don't mind me calling you Bernie, but after reading yesterday's Newsday, including the comments made by Raoul Felder over to the right, whom you've already heard from, as has your wife, I can only respectfully suggest that your decision to go with Burson-Marsteller should be re-visited. They haven't done shit for you.

Sure, they've done the PR for some of the world's biggest dictators, but I've not only represented Dick Grasso, but more recently, your niece Shana hired my firm when the shit hit the fan back in December.

And, before you say, "Well, that introduces a conflict.." Trust me --the handsome guy to the left, when I tell you that we're experts in dealing with all kinds of conflicts. And, we're as good, if not better than Ira and his people might be when it comes to internal conflicts.

Newsday's muckraking (which I won't even bother linking to-- because, after all, you gave them the entree to the story with the subliminal reference to Felder when you mentioned him on your blog three weeks ago)..well, it needs to be addressed.

OK...so some small time newspaper has a gossip column that's saying you cheated on Ruth a few years ago with some blond bimbo.

They couldn't even come close to providing any named sources, so its unconfirmed gossip, which is what the media is doing every day now. Murdoch invented it years ago, and now every damn article, from the NYT, the WSJ, AP, Bloomberg, the talking heads at CNBC, and just about anyone else--they're all using "unidentified sources" as the "source of information. .."

But we don't care, even if what they said is true. Bill Clinton survived that kind of nonsense story. And, Jesus--look at Warren Buffet! The guy had an affair for years, with his wife's permission!

I say, so what? "..Wall Street Mogul Had Affair.." That's almost as dull and boring a headline as "Washington Big Wig Cheated on Wife and His Taxes.." But Bernie, everyone is tweeting about it, so lets focus on the talking points.

The big picture is the hundreds, or maybe thousands of less fortunate people that are claiming to have been cheated by you. That's what we need to focus on, Big Guy. And, that you didn't cheat them.

You made most of them wealthy beyond their dreams, and the dream worlds they lived in for so many years, when every other investment strategy on the f--king planet was blowing up, were made real because You're The Midas.

Maybe Felder planted the story with Newsday. After all, he was quoted in it with some crapola lines, and, per your 3/5 blog update, you blew him off. Could be he got even with you for not easing the way into a meeting with Ruth. That's his style.

Or, it could have been your brother that tipped off the gossip reporters to the story. After all, your shouting all over the place that he was "a pisher" and "only owned 1 pt" in your firm probably humiliated him. And, his assets along with ass his getting frozen last week probably made him that much more pissed off. Top it all off with a "Fuhget About It" when you think about the comments that you've made about him and his "little black book."

Or, it could have been Marion that did the deed with the reporters. She's got an axe to grind with you, with Ruth, and with her husband now that she's hard pressed to find a bridge game at PBCC or Glen Oaks. You know what they say about a woman scorned.

And from what I'm figuring, you've got more than a few scorns in your corn field.

Forget the in-laws for a second; you've got Nan, whose probably pissed off that she can't use the Met's tickets anymore, Jodi, The Dyke, E.S.. .Jesus, Bernie, my calculator says there's a bunch of new, "lower lifestyle" women on edge that probably have the goods on you. And even a Bentley loses its shine if you don't wax it, if you get what I mean.

BTW- I hear that Spitzer never returned that little black book to your brother, and my people tell me that Eliot is insisting that unless someone gets Harbeck over at SIPC to push him to the front of the line on his claim, he's going to keep using it until his heart and other parts are content.

If you get rid of the people over at BM and tell them to get some of your TP, and bring me on board-- my first move would be to put that little black book into Harbeck's hands. Or maybe Picard's. The rest takes care of itself.

The next step--I'm not a big advocate of bear hugging the media when it comes to a crisis, but I'm thinking one, or maybe two candid and 'exclusive' interviews with your friend Jane Wells over at CNBC might help you. Ratigan is gone, so he's not going to have the chance to rain on her parade, and if Zucker really zipped Donny Douche on this topic, that's all to the good.

Bernie baby, the next thing I'd do is tone down the bytes about Hank Paulson or John Thain or even Dick Fuld coming in to run your new MIDAS Fund. They're all a bit toxic right now.

I'm thinking "go conservative"...a guy like Rick Wagoner could be perfect. And, as of last night, he's available. He could probably come in with a few Escalade leases and a couple of Cadi's. Your brother is probably going to have give up the Aston Martin anyway, and driving an American car is all part of the positive PR that we can create for all of the Madoffs.

Just like the little entertaining clip I've included in this note, and however ironic it might be that a group called "Stealer's Wheel" should be the one to put everything into perspective, I'm hoping that this message will resonate with you.

You've got clowns to the left, and jokers to the right--and here I am; stuck in the middle to help you.

Enjoy the tune below--and if you can't get back to me ASAP, have Ira call me. Dick Grasso will tell you that we have to stay in front of a crisis before they run you over.

Best-
Eric

Stealers Wheel Lyrics

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on March 30, 2009 (boomark / email).