Law Humor

Ruth Re-Appears

Posted on December 17, 2009
From: RuthTo: CatherineDarling-You two can call your new little business anything that you want, but please tell Andrew that you'll both have to return all of the black umbrellas that he somehow managed to pilfer from the office.Those umbrellas were bought with my credit card, and they were intended to be used for gifts to customers of the firm...

Andy Madoff is Angry

Posted on December 15, 2009
To: Marc MukaseyFrom: Andrew MadoffMarc-In all due respect, well on second thought, I don't have that much respect for you at this point, even if your father is a former US Attorney General.What? I should be impressed? My father was f--king Midas Madoff!!The fact that you're claiming that your piss ant client Dimes DiPascali was even remotely 'helpful' in bagging Friehling, Jerry O'Hara and George Perez is insulting; even to someone that's as insulting as me!Then again, I'm hearing that the Feebs spend half their day interrogating "Dad's blog" to find the really tasty clues--and the fact that it took them 11 months to catch up with O'Hara and Perez, two of only 10 employees that worked for Dad for 16 years down on 17, and the only ones that had anything to do with those computers, only tells me that the Feds couldn't find a hole if it had hair on it...

Bernie's Hanukkah Gifts

Posted on December 11, 2009
Bernie Live!: From Butt Hole NC From Bernie L. Madoff To: Mark, Andy, and My Supporters First, let me say, ?Chag Sameach? to all of my supporters that celebrate Chanukah. This is one of my favorite holidays, because every night, there's another gift for the kinder! I remember starting back in 2001 (or maybe 2002, who can remember?), every night for a week, I gave Ruthie an offshore bank account from a different country...

Bernie's Boys and Brotherly Love Blowing the Whistle

Posted on December 10, 2009
From: MarkTo: AndyYou're a complete dolt. I've told you repeatedly to stop with the txt msg'ing, but you think you're smarter than everyone else.Now you've got that muckraker from the Journal bringing my name back into the media! What are you thinking??Just when we're about to file the whistleblower claim!The lawyers have told you this at least one hundred times: we're entitled to at least $100 million for blowing the whistle on Dad...

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Twas the Day Before Testifying...

Posted on December 07, 2009
Dear Ike:Sure, there's something missing from this picture, but I've only just finished my first class in photoshop, and ButtHole only has one computer to practice on!OK, so there's maybe more than one picture that's missing. But, as meshugenah Steve Harbeck will no doubt be telling Barney Fife (sorry, Barney Frank) & Co when he testifies tomorrow, its all one big complicated puzzle...

Bernie's Raising His Hands!

Posted on December 03, 2009
Dear Bernie:You've helped make us so popular this past year, and the fact that you're an avid user of our Soapopular alcohol-free hand sanitizer speaks volumes.Sure, alcohol hand sanitizers aren't allowed in jails, but the point is that you've always known that our product makes sense...

Madoff Mistress Tied to Tiger Woods

Posted on December 02, 2009
To: TigerFrom: Sheryl W.I'm disgusted!Sure, I knew that I wasn't the only woman that you were putting around with, but after my experience with Bernie, I thought you'd at least be sensitive enough to keep my txt messages and phone number someplace that your wife couldn't find them!Of course I intend to write a sequel! Did you think I wouldn't?? First it was Bernie that screwed me, then I screwed him, and then, after you and I were introduced at Fresh Meadows, I truly thought it was love at first sight for both of us! Sure, I get it about "once you go black, you never want to go back...

From Bernie to Burt to Irvee. Sesame Street Revisited: Madoff Style

Posted on November 24, 2009
To: The Honorable Burt LiflandFrom: The Venerable Irv PicardBurt:Just a follow-up to clarify yesterday's filing.1. The $300,000 line item to pay Lee Richards is old news. You were the one that appointed him as Trustee in the first place, and however coincidental it might be that he was the same Court-appointed Trustee in the '92 case involving Mr...

Bernie's Turkeys

Posted on November 19, 2009
To: BernieFrom: Jodi C.Thanks for your note. I didn't know that you could be so poetic!Anyway, and no thanks to you, the Donut Demons are still sitting on 17, and they're forwarding me the fan mail. What are they thinking??Before I forget; Should I use that special Black Amex in Ruth's name for this year's re-union Christmas party? Mark says his credit card was canceled, and "Randy Andy" can't seem to be able to make a decision, and Peter says he's too busy to make decisions...

Bernie's Sutton Place Fingerprints

Posted on November 16, 2009
To: DadFrom: Marciacc: PeterEven if I've been "outed" by that bitch-hunter "Mrs. Panstreppon", at least Irv Picard missed out on putting his creepy hands on the apt.I'm better off now anyway; Sutton Place was getting to be such a bore.Now that I've cashed out for $1...

Bernie Madoff: Friday the 13th Lickin the Lappers

Posted on November 13, 2009
To: Barbara WaltersFrom: BernieBarbie-Thanks so much for the nomination!My buddy Jeff Picower is no doubt turning over in his grave right now thinking that he should have been nominated for Time's Person of the Year Award! Ha!Next:Its Friday the 13th, and since I'm not really a superstitious kind of guy, why shouldn't I come back after taking a week off?OK;1...

The Closing Bell with Bernie's Buddies

Posted on November 06, 2009
To: IkeFrom: ChuckIke-Let me make several points:1. Thank you again for picking up the check at dinner. Getting our mutual friends tax refunds, even if they weren't bonafide investors in Bernie's firm, is an important step towards re-building the nation's economy...

Monday's Madoff Madness

Posted on November 02, 2009
From: Bernie "Midas" MadoffFirst, let me say thanks again to my friends at the SEC.What? Nobody could figure out why I included a "thank you to my friends at the SEC" within the tombstone on this blog since the very first day that I started rambling last December?Of course I couldn't know whether Howie E...

Trusting the Trustee

Posted on October 28, 2009
From: Steve HarbeckPresident, SIPCFor those of you that tuned into our live show today, I trust that we made it clear to the media reporters attending the show that I'm the straight man in this team. Irv works for me; and SIPC--the insurance company that I preside over, pays Irv's bills...

All In The Family Part 3

Posted on October 26, 2009
Dad:Even though we both smiled when you insisted these documents were bulletproof, I'm now finding myself in a tight spot with Preet.Sure, "dead men tell no lies" is a great line to use and it's a sure fire way to delay investigations into the next century, but here I am dealing with a bunch of key stone cops that want to be knocking on your door at 7 a...

Swimming With The Fishes in Palm Beach Pool: Dead Men Tell No Lies...

Posted on October 25, 2009
From NanYou want my comment on what really happened to Jeff Picower today?? Ha!I'll give you a comment!He went for an old fashioned swim.Just like we used to say in the office every day; "Dead men tell no lies."N.B.

Bitter Sweet Reward For Bernie's Buddies

Posted on October 23, 2009
From: Ken FeinbergTo: Bernie MadoffBernie:Please tell Ike Sorkin that we're doing everything that we can to make sure that the people at Butt Hole don't hold anything back re: any bonuses that you might be entitled to.Please keep in mind, even if Tim Geithner will need to provide a significant bailout of the SEC after Herrick's lawsuit against them is resolved, its going to be such a cluster-f--k when it comes time to figuring out who will be responsible for overseeing your particular compensation while you're in the custody of BOP...

Not All Madoff Madams Baring Up?

Posted on October 17, 2009
To: StephanieFrom: Cathy and ShanaStef-For God's sake, Stef--get a hold of yourself!Even if the Post is notorious for fabricating stories, the last thing that you want to do is give anyone any reason to shine a light on any of us "Madoff Madams."And Stef, take it from someone that's known Mark alot longer than you have (after all, I'm his cousin, and I practically grew up with him...

Bernie's Banker The Boxer

Posted on October 14, 2009
To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Jamie DimonBernie:Even if nobody should actually believe anything that comes out of the NY Post, its all about blocking with the left and jabbing with the right.Speaking of jabbing, how about those earnings that we reported this morning? Great, huh?That extra $250 million that we pulled out from your shop last September and put to work in other areas was a diamond in the rough of our BS (balance sheet!), and certainly came in handy...

Madoff The Marauder Fights The NY Post

Posted on October 13, 2009
From: Bernie MadoffTo: Rich CalderAss't Muckraker, NY PostRich:Let's get something clear; the story that you just wrote, and the one that a bunch of other idiot news outlets have picked up on is as farcical and fabricated as the other "scoops" that your trash newspaper has published...

Madoff Affair Becomes A Family Affair

Posted on October 10, 2009
To: Irv Picard, Esq.From: Rich Zabel, Esq.Chief of Criminal DivisionU.S. Attorney's OfficeSouthern District of New YorkWinner:US Attorney's AwardFor Distinguished ServiceDear Irv:Just a brief to estopp any more of your briefs.And, in case any one else might be pishing their briefs as a result of my new anointment, they might want to get themselves some ointment...

Stan Chais is Chased

Posted on October 07, 2009
To: Irv PicardFrom: Stan ChaisIrv--Of course I moved money out of one of my accounts (or maybe it was a few of my accounts) as soon as I heard that Bernie was arrested!This should be a surprise?? Christ-you froze the big accounts over at Goldman months ago, and now I can't even pay my legal bills!Let me tell you something else; if you hadn't already "uncovered" this big fact: I'm dying...

Madoff Bankruptcy Trustee Tangos With Shana

Posted on October 05, 2009
To: Irv Picard, Esq.From:Shana Madoff (Starkman), Esq.Dear Irv:Let me see if I get this straight: your suing me, to recover a lousy $10 million in salary that I was paid over a period of 10 years for doing my job, but you're not going after Jamie Dimon for "coincidentally" taking more than $250 million out of the firm just 4 months before all broke lose??OK...

Picking Noses and Splitting Hairs

Posted on October 02, 2009
To: I. Picard, Esq.From: J. PicowerIrv-From one "picker" to another, and contrary to what you and I have talked about, there isn't any "$7 billion treasure chest" buried someplace. Not in my backyard anyway.The photo to the left was actually taken years ago, and it had nothing to do with Barbara and I "hiding" any loot; it was taken during a ground breaking ceremony for a $200 million medical facility that my wife and I provided the funds for...

Atonement from Andy

Posted on September 27, 2009
To: Irv PicardFrom: Andrew MadoffIrv-It's the Day of Atonement for God's sake--and you're busy threatening to sue me?!You want to know what I have? The food in these f--king Food Emporium bags, that's what I have! There's even a ham sandwich in here someplace, so you can have that, if you want...

Bernie's Taking A Shvitz

Posted on September 23, 2009
From: P.KonigsbergTo: I.PicardIrv-Mazel on the retainer! What with you earning out 3 points on the recovered assets, and now being in line to earn additional fees to administer pay outs to some of us, nobody should be surprised when they find out that it was you that bought the place in Montauk! Ha! Talk about irony, right?But, in all due respect, I was not only surprised, but very disappointed to learn just now that AlixPartners, the firm that you hired, managed to lose a laptop two months ago that has the names and social security #'s of 2000+ investors, including me, and Stan Chais's info...

Bharara on Bernie

Posted on September 17, 2009
To: The Hon. Chuck SchumerFrom: Preet BhararaChuck-Were it not for you, I certainly would not have been appointed to the lofty job of US Attorney for the Southern District; so, as they say in the hand sanitizer business, one hand washes the other, obliging me to give you an update on matters that you have expressed interest in...

Bernie's Book Babe Turns Celeb

Posted on September 15, 2009
To: CharondaFrom: Erin ArvedlundDear Charonda-Irv Picard forwarded me your note i.e. your availability to house-sit. While I don't have a mansion just yet, and my "crib" isn't quite Madoff-esque, I am in need of someone to watch my place while I tour the country promoting my new book...

Madoff Mansion House Sitting

Posted on September 11, 2009
To: Irv Picard, Esq.From:Cheronda Guyton, Wells Fargo BankDear Mr. Picard:As you may be aware, my office provides house-sitting services for certain luxury properties that are in a temporary state of foreclosure or seizure.We're particularly well-versed in house-sitting Madoff-victim related properties...

Bernie's Bollywood

Posted on September 08, 2009
To: I. Sorkin, Esq.From: Oliver StoneIke:I got into town last week to start shooting the sequel to "Wall Street." As last minute as it might be, we've come up with a great idea.I can offer you a walk-on cameo, or, given how good an actor you've proven to be, a scripted role...

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