Law Humor

Bernie's Taking A Shvitz

Irv-
Mazel on the retainer! What with you earning out 3 points on the recovered assets, and now being in line to earn additional fees to administer pay outs to some of us, nobody should be surprised when they find out that it was you that bought the place in Montauk! Ha! Talk about irony, right?

But, in all due respect, I was not only surprised, but very disappointed to learn just now that AlixPartners, the firm that you hired, managed to lose a laptop two months ago that has the names and social security #'s of 2000+ investors, including me, and Stan Chais's info.

Isn't this the same "forensic accounting" firm that couldn't figure out the difference between microfiche and gefilte fish?

1. What the f--k is that kind of information doing on a laptop??
2. Which moron made the decision not to tell anyone that the laptop was stolen two months ago?
3. Tell that knucklehead Tim Yost that AP's offer to provide 2 years worth of free credit checking services from Experian, "so that people can find out if they've been the victim of identity theft" is beyond laughable.

Next-

While Bernie is taking a shvitz with his new tribespeople, he wanted to pass along the message that Ike Sorkin isn't about to breach attorney-client privilege by testifying before Congress. At least not any time sooner than the lawyers over at BofA might be testifying about the Merrill deal. He says that at the very worst, being charged with Contempt of Congress would be a badge of honor.

Even if Barney Fife (oops, I mean Frank) or that guy Eddie Towns wants to open a can of worms, the whole thing with Frankie Avellino and Mikey Beans is history. Trust me. I was there, and even if Ike was too, he didn't know anything.

Now that you've finally figured out that the "$65 billion" number came straight out of fantasy football--and that the news media includes maybe 1 out of 5000 journalists that got this story straight (while the rest of them have farts for brains), at least two of my clients did not take out more than they put in, and they've been diligently waiting for a god-damn check from your office. What is the problem??

Last- I wouldn't have any idea if FINRA's pension fund actually invested in Bernie's firm. And lets be clear--I only had a small equity stake in the UK business, so its not as if I made it my business to pour over account holder records. Ask Nan, or ask Jodi. But, if FINRA did invest pension funds, or whatever the f--k they might have had, maybe that explains why General Bowsher wants to keep a lid on their report. But how would I know??

Last--I know you have some influence--so if you can get those people off my back about the UBS thing, I might be able to help re: your "asset recovery" strategy.

P.K.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on September 23, 2009 (boomark / email).