Law Humor

The Return of the Forces of Light

Posted on June 12, 2009
The Return of the Forces of Light v. the Powers of Darkness - March 2000John Albach's "End of the World" contributions that appeared in the January 2000 column spawned two contributions of unusual, but very "nice" contract provisions:(1) From Jack Hazlewood of Amarillo, who years ago "happened to stumble on to Roy Rogers' contract with his movie studio (or maybe his agent)" in Nichols Encyclopedia of Legal Forms, this clause buried "deep in the fine print":Actor [Roy Rogers] shall never in performance to which he is assigned or which he agrees to perform be presented in any role other than the unalterable and unswerving enemy of evil, injustice, and wrong; but shall always be portrayed in roles in which he is to appear as the constant and dedicated champion of right and justice...

Taking a Break - September 1995From

Posted on June 11, 2009
Taking a Break - September 1995From Robert A. Schwartz of Houston, this excerpt from the deposition of his client, the plaintiff in a DTPA case, who contended that the defendant had falsely represented that a condominium unit, including the roof, was "new or virtually new" - but that the roof had to be replaced shortly after the purchase...

Industrial Strength Stupid - July

Posted on June 10, 2009
Industrial Strength Stupid - July 1998From Judge David L. Hodges of Waco (County Court at Law), this excerpt from a jury trial in which the State was seeking to commit the patient to the Austin State Hospital because he "had been depressed with suicidal tendencies...

Classic Typos - September 1995From

Posted on June 09, 2009
Classic Typos - September 1995From Judge Lucius D. Bunton of Midland (W.D. Texas), from a brief filed with the Fifth Circuit:Judge Walter, in his reasons, noted that the reputation of plaintiff's attorney is formidable. Willie Gary is a nationally renounced attorney having a celebrity client list...

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Headaches and Interrogatories -

Posted on June 08, 2009
Headaches and Interrogatories - July 1995From Donald Lee Wolf of Tyler (Calame, Linebarger etc.), these responses for admission presumably submitted by "someone suffering from Post 1040A Syndrome." (These answers were prepared by Al D. Thigpen of Tyler...

Matters of Opinion - October 1994John

Posted on June 05, 2009
Matters of Opinion - October 1994John E. Clark of San Antonio (Goode, Casseb & Jones) - speaking with authority, as "an ex-appellate judge" - quite correctly urges me "not to overlook the carefully chosen words of our Learned Appellate Courts when you need one more item (besides trials & depositions) for et cetera...

February 2002 - Did He Really Say

Posted on June 04, 2009
February 2002 - Did He Really Say That?From Paul A. Leche of Austin (Paul is General COunsel of the Texas Department of HumanServices), this contribution:Years ago in Washington, D.C., I had a case before a large federal agency in which I was eager to call as a witness a highly placed administrator in tha agency...

April 2005 - A Marvelous AnswerThis

Posted on June 03, 2009
April 2005 - A Marvelous AnswerThis contribution from David W. Lindemood of Midland is from a CPS trial before District Judge Dean Rucker (318th District Court) in which Lindemood was the attorney ad litem for the child. The witness, who was the CASA guardian ad litem, is being questioned by Chris McCormack of Midland...

July 1993 - Did She Really Say

Posted on June 02, 2009
July 1993 - Did She Really Say That?From Thomas S. Terrell of Kerrville, this excerpt from the deposition of the wife in a custody case:Q. Your husband says you smoke marijuana. Is that true?A. I quit.Q. Why did you quit?A. My attorney told me I would have to, if I wanted to get custody.

February 1994 - The Payment PlanFrom

Posted on June 01, 2009
February 1994 - The Payment PlanFrom Thomas G. Sharpe, Jr. of San Antonio (Whetley & Sharpe), this excerpt from his deposition of a defendant regarding the collection of a judgment for Tom's client:Q. First of all, what I'm asking, sir, is what are you going to do to pay this judgment?A...

June 1992 - A Bill Reid "Two-fer"From

Posted on May 29, 2009
June 1992 - A Bill Reid "Two-fer"From William (Bill) Reid of Austin (assistant district attorney, and chief of appellant division), this excerpt from a sentencing hearing before Judge Jon Wisser of Austin (299th District Court).The Court: The State of Texas v...

July 1997 - Did They Really Say

Posted on May 28, 2009
July 1997 - Did They Really Say That?From John T. McCully of Dallas, this excerpt from the examination of a police officer in a DWI case:Q. At the time the defendant stepped out of the car ... did you have any idea that this may be a driving while intoxication investigation?A...

November 1994 - Pleading of the

Posted on May 27, 2009
November 1994 - Pleading of the MonthFrom Carol A. Bourgeois, CLA of Austin (Carol is a paralegal with Babb & Bradshaw), this jury demand filed in Travis County by Eric Yollick of The Woodlands:Comes now M&M Conracting, Inc., Defendant, and states that, pursuant to the Constitution of our beloved United States of America and pursuant to the Constitution of the Great, Sovereign, and Mighty State of Texas, the Lone Star State and Home of the World Champion Houston Rockets, M&M Contractors demands a trial by a jury of its peers and declares that all fees, which the learned Rules of Civil Procedure and the laws of our beautiful State, Home of El Capitan in the West and Piney Woods of the East, have been paid.

May 2004 - Ask A Stupid Question

Posted on May 26, 2009
May 2004 - Ask A Stupid Question ?Hal Monk of Bedford, who confesses that he has enjoyed the et cetera column for so many years that he ?feels plum guilty for not having sent ? any contributions in the past,? sent in this excerpt from the January 1993 deposition of Hollywood celebrity Zsa Zsa Gabor, Monk?s client...

July 1997 - Making Buck Myer's

Posted on May 22, 2009
July 1997 - Making Buck Myer's ColumnFrom Loren G. Klitsas of Houston (Celedonia, Smith & Klitsas), this excerpt from the long cross-examination of an investigating police officer "recording his opinions as to the cause of the traffic accident."Q...

December 2001 - Did They Really

Posted on May 21, 2009
December 2001 - Did They Really Say That?From Judge Ralph H. Walton, Jr., of Granbury, 355th Judicial District), this excerpt ?from the direct examination by the prosecutor in a recent driving-while-intoxicated case in [his] court in which the elderly, hard-of-hearing ?Uncle Billy? was called to testify...

October 1993 - Back to the BasicsFrom

Posted on May 20, 2009
October 1993 - Back to the BasicsFrom Charles R. Erickson of Houston (Triton Tool & Supply), these deposition excerpts from a "typical oilfield personal injury case with numerous defendants, cross-plaintiffs and, of course, attorneys":Q. Are you married?A...

January 1989 - What Was That Again?From

Posted on May 19, 2009
January 1989 - What Was That Again?From Judge David G. Lewis of Dumas (Moore County Court of Law), this excerpt from a recent divorce custody trial in Moore County.Q. And what did you do that night?A. We made and sent out some fliers. [Being the West Texas pronunciation of "flowers"]Q...

February 2001 - Did They Really

Posted on May 18, 2009
February 2001 - Did They Really Say That?From David L. Zedler of Sherman, this contribution that occurred during testimony in a recent jury trial.A. The last time I saw [the child who was the subject of the suit], she was eating a bowl of goldfish.Mr...

April 1999 - But How Dead Is He?From

Posted on May 15, 2009
April 1999 - But How Dead Is He?From Randall D. Terrell of Austin (Hill, Gilstrap, etc.) this excerpt from a deposition in which "John C. Wilson was questioning [and] George Thompson was attempting to elevate the discussion."Q. Did you see a doctor at that time...

April 2007 - I Think He Disagrees

Posted on May 14, 2009
April 2007 - I Think He Disagrees with the VerdictThis contribution ? and the title ? are from Judge Marvin L. Moore of Midland (County Court at Law No. 2). At the conclusion of a DWI trial in Judge Moore?s court, the jury returned a verdict of ?not guilty,? but the prosecutor disagreed with the verdict and the following exchange took place:THE COURT: Let me go ahead and read the verdict...

July 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?From

Posted on May 13, 2009
July 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?From J. Michael Weston of Dallas (Alexander & Weston), this "objection, ruling and aftermath" from a case tried before Judge David Brooks (191st District Court):Q. Mr. Tafacory, on that morning, did you see cars pull into the parking lot at the premises?A...

December 1994 - Did He Really Say

Posted on May 12, 2009
December 1994 - Did He Really Say That?From Michael J. Black of San Antonio (Burns & O'Gorman), this excerpt from a personal injury deposition taken by Sam Houston Knutson of Mike's firm:A. We just really discussed the tests.Q. Okay. And what did Dr...

June 2003 - I Can NowFrom Joseph

Posted on May 11, 2009
June 2003 - I Can NowFrom Joseph Jacobson, Texas Bar Journal, Vol. 49, No. 4 ? April 1986.Q. Isn?t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?A. Yes, it is, but you can?t prove it!

October 1997 - The PleaPromises,

Posted on May 08, 2009
October 1997 - The PleaPromises, Promises...From Michael D. Valicek of San Antonio, this paragraph in a not-so-standard plea agreement in a criminal case in Comal County (22nd Judicial District).3. My plea is entered without any persuasion, and I have not been promised nothing for entering this plea.

June 1994 - Doing Pro SeFrom a

Posted on May 07, 2009
June 1994 - Doing Pro SeFrom a pro se pleading recently filed with Judge Eileen O'Neal of Houston (190th District Court), the "friendliest introduction" that she's ever received:Now comes Plaintiff Ronald Dwayne Whitfield, and says to the honorable judge of this court, "Hello...

October 1992 - Death and/or TaxesFrom

Posted on May 06, 2009
October 1992 - Death and/or TaxesFrom J. Mark Hansen of Dallas (Vial, Hamilton, etc.), this excerpt from "a deposition I took recently [which] comes under the heading "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."Q. Have I named all the places you've lived in your life as best as you can remember?A...

June 1989 - Did I Really Hear That?James

Posted on May 05, 2009
June 1989 - Did I Really Hear That?James P. Walker, Jr. of Dallas (McKinley, Dubner) shares an excerpt from the deposition of a bankruptcy debtor who is serving time for stock fraud at the La Tuna Federal Corrections Institution. This cross-examination is by Wade Williams of Galveston (Mills, Shirley)...

June 1985 - Have You Ever Been

Posted on May 04, 2009
June 1985 - Have You Ever Been in Trouble with the Law?This excerpt from an actual deposition originally appeared in the book "I Solemnly Swear" by Houston court reporter Jerry von Sternberg (Carlton Press, 1978).Q. Have you ever had any trouble with the law?A...

July 1989 - How Much Did You Have

Posted on May 01, 2009
July 1989 - How Much Did You Have to Drink?Defendant: (Charged with drunk driving) Your Honor, I only had one for the road.Judge: How many did you have for the ditch?___Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?Defendant: Habitual Thirstiness?

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