Law Humor

Law Firms: Last Vestige of the Medieval Guild System?

Posted on April 20, 2009
?In the current economic crisis, we see the final demise of the medieval guild in the American legal profession,? said Joel Henning, a law firm consultant at Hildebrandt International Inc. Carlyn Kolker, 'Medieval' U.S. Law Firm Pay Structure Buckles, Bloomberg...

Muslim Clerics Issue Cell-Phone Fatwa

Posted on April 18, 2009
A panel of Muslim clerics in northern India have issued a fatwa prohibiting the use of cellphones, at least in certain un-Islamic ways. If they will extend this to the BlackBerry, I might be willing to convert. A fatwa, you...

Will Perry Mason Defend Himself?

Posted on April 17, 2009
The Associated Press reported yesterday that Perry Mason had been charged with felony barratry in Texas, a crime that carries a penalty of up to ten years in jail. "Barratry" is the dastardly crime committed when a non-attorney solicits clients...

"Octomom" Seeks Trademark

Posted on April 16, 2009
Nadya Suleman, also known as the "Octomom" for her amazing ability to give birth to eight offspring at once (or at least in rapid succession), has applied to trademark that nickname, according to reports on April 15. If she ever...

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Kansas City Docket: Chips Ahoy

Posted on April 15, 2009
Friends in the Midwest noticed this new case filing last week: Michael Rolf v. Kraft Foods, 4:09-cv-00270-FJG (W.D. Mo. filed 4/8/2009) Product liability complaint. The plaintiff got "high" after eating a box of Chips Ahoy cookies "with drugs in them...

Justice Thomas Still Fascinated by Dishwashers

Posted on April 14, 2009
Speaking to a group of students on April 13 at a dinner sponsored by the Bill of Rights Institute, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas admitted that he is perpetually enthralled by the Miracle of the Dishwashing Machine: I have to...

Rambo Cupid Fires Arrows Around Minnesota Neighborhood

Posted on April 13, 2009
Police in Burnsville, Minnesota, said that Kyle Fletcher went out onto his patio deck on April 3 with a powerful compound bow and fired several arrows into neighboring homes in an effort to impress a woman. Police found arrows embedded...

Note: Personal Sovereignty Claims Not Getting Any More Valid

Posted on April 10, 2009
A remarkable number of people believe that most of one's legal troubles can be cured by declaring oneself to be an independent sovereign nation. Usually this has to do with tax issues, as we saw a while back when a...

What Not To Call 911 About, #3: Missing Shrimp

Posted on April 10, 2009
Another entry for the possible new category on needless 911 calls. In August of last year, a Jacksonville man called 911 to complain that Subway did not make his sandwiches correctly. Just a few weeks ago was the 911 Call...

Another Lawsuit Fails to Unseat Obama

Posted on April 09, 2009
Previously I wrote about Philip J. Berg, the lawyer who had sued to stop Obama from becoming president on the theory that Obama was not a "natural-born citizen," as the Constitution requires. That case was dismissed for lack of standing....

Fly With Your Pants Down, Lose Your License, Judge Rules

Posted on April 08, 2009
An administrative-law judge has ruled that the FAA properly revoked the license of a man who allowed a sex act to be performed upon him as he flew a helicopter around San Diego. The judge cited the pilot's likely inability...

UPDATE: Former SF Official Gets Maximum Despite Brain Claims

Posted on April 03, 2009
Former SF supervisor Ed Jew was sentenced today to 64 months in jail by a judge in SF federal court. Judge Susan Illston apparently rejected the claim that the defendant had been afflicted by childhood head injuries that first manifested...

Attorney for SF Official Says Extortion Scheme Caused by Childhood Head Injuries

Posted on April 03, 2009
Here's an argument that Rod Blagojevich might want to take notes on, now that he has been very unsurprisingly indicted. Former San Francisco supervisor Ed Jew (who I'm going to refer to as "Ed" here in hopes of not appearing...

UPDATE: Former SF Official Gets Maximum Despite Brain Claims

Posted on April 03, 2009
Former SF supervisor Ed Jew was sentenced today to 64 months in jail by a judge in SF federal court. Judge Susan Illston apparently rejected the claim that the defendant had been afflicted by childhood head injuries that first manifested...

Attorney for SF Official Says Extortion Scheme Caused by Childhood Head Injuries

Posted on April 03, 2009
Here's an argument that Rod Blagojevich might want to take notes on, now that he has been very unsurprisingly indicted. Former San Francisco supervisor Ed Jew (who I'm going to refer to as "Ed" here in hopes of not appearing...

Drunk Motorcyclist Who Hit Wild Boars Awarded $8.6 Million

Posted on April 01, 2009
I can't remember how many times I have tried to warn people that bad things were going to happen if we didn't tame our state's boars and train them to be alert for drunk drivers when crossing the street. Why...

DUI Charge for Driver of Motorized Bar Stool

Posted on March 31, 2009
If you have been paying attention, you should know by now that you can be charged with driving under the influence no matter what sort of vehicle you are driving. In the past we have seen DUIs handed out to...

Man Who Attempted Suicide Sues Hospital That Saved Him

Posted on March 30, 2009
If someone injures you while saving your life, can you sue them? Well, of course you can sue them, since you're not dead, but can you win? I guess so. Earlier this month, Michael Dexter was paid 90,000 pounds as...

Disgraced Attorney's Assets Included 100-Foot Yacht, Stupid-Looking Sculpture

Posted on March 27, 2009
The New York Law Journal reports today on a list of Marc Dreier's assets compiled by Mark Pomerantz, the receiver appointed by the court to "locate, recover and safeguard" whatever Dreier and his firm had left out of the $400...

Tennessee Considers Low-Pants Bill

Posted on March 26, 2009
Maybe the economy has recovered faster than we all thought, because otherwise it seems odd that legislatures would still be spending time on low-pants legislation. Tennessee is the most recent jurisdiction to devote energy to this vital issue. House Bill...

Ninety Days Is Sentence For "Suspicious Activity" With Vacuum

Posted on March 26, 2009
A 29-year-old man who pleaded no contest last month to indecent-exposure charges has been sentenced to 90 days in jail, reports said today. The man was arrested last October after someone called police to report "suspicious activity" at a car...

Case Law Hall of Fame Addition: Denny v. Radar Industries

Posted on March 23, 2009
Here's one that's pretty darn concise: J.H. GILLIS, Judge. The appellant has attempted to distinguish the factual situation in this case from that in Renfroe v. Higgins Rack Coating and Manufacturing Co., Inc. (1969), 17 Mich.App. 259, 169 N.W.2d 326...

Contract Written in Blood Still Not Binding, Says Court

Posted on March 20, 2009
Attorneys in California who have been drafting contracts in blood, due to a belief that this will make the contract especially binding, should stop. Actually, attorneys anywhere who have been doing this should stop. As I noted back in 2007,...

Kentucky Dueling Update: Lawyers Also Must Take the No-Dueling Oath

Posted on March 16, 2009
I wrote recently about a Kentucky law that required all "first responders" to take an oath swearing that they had never fought in a duel, causing me to wonder whether there had been a problem with first responders showing up...

Ohio Court Says It Can't Afford Any More Paper

Posted on March 16, 2009
Things are tough all over, including in the nation's courthouses. A court in Ohio is so strapped for cash that it has announced that it will not accept new case filings starting today (March 16) because it only has enough...

Motion for New Trial Based on Juror's Twittering

Posted on March 14, 2009
I have ranted enough about the soul-crushing lump of Satan's dung that some call the "BlackBerry," so let me move on now to demon-spawned Twitter, which appears to be the latest method of shattering humanity's collective ability to concentrate and/or...

Canadian Asks for Politeness, Gets Pepper Spray

Posted on March 13, 2009
Canadian asks U.S. border guard to say "please," Canadian gets faceful of pepper spray. It's a fairly simple equation. I think this is in the USA PATRIOT Act, actually. The man conceded he had made the request for politeness "repeatedly,"...

Monks Brawl Over Jurisdiction at Tomb of Christ

Posted on March 13, 2009
A while back, I saw a report that a bunch of monks had gotten into a brawl in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. I was horrified -- well, not entirely -- at this breach of the peace...

Madoff Pleads Guilty, Goes Directly to Jail

Posted on March 12, 2009
About Mr. Madoff's plea hearing, which took place today in U.S. District Court in New York, I'll just comment that if any of your defense attorney's statements are greeted with "loud laughter," and/or applause breaks out when bail is denied,...

Epic Trademark Battle Erupts Between Makers of Competing Fart-Sound Software

Posted on March 11, 2009
I think my iPhone is a great invention, made even greater by the many software applications that you can download for it. But as 95 percent of my cable channels demonstrate, even the greatest inventions can be put to utterly...

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