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Law School for Dummies

By "Justice Moustache

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Last Entry: February 25, 2009 at 20:43:00

Question

Posted on February 25, 2009
How is it that this blog gets over 100 hits / day yet no longer gets any effin comments? I realize 75% of these hits are from random bozos surfing the web from the far removed third world crannies of the earth, but for shit's sake, a little love every now and then from the rest of you dicksneezes wouldn't hurt...

The email I've been waiting for

Posted on February 25, 2009
I've been sitting around for years waiting for the medical science world to team up with the postal service to provide me with the peace of mind that comes with boner pill confidentiality.Finally--that day has arrived!

Fun with forwards

Posted on February 16, 2009
You've probably seen these before, but I'll be G.D.'d if they ain't worth another gander.Plus, this way I don't have to spend precious TV watching time thinking up some witty shit to write.

New Year's Resolution no. 1: No more chicken blood martinis

Posted on February 02, 2009
Salmonella is no longer all fun, games, and bloody diarrhea--it apparently also has a bad side.

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Living the 3L dream

Posted on November 16, 2008
ATTENTION 1Ls--right now you may be freaking the fuck out about exams. That's natural. I'm not here to offer advice right now (although there are several other posts here that deal with that, such as this one) but I promise it gets much, much better.Be glad you aren't graduating yet...

Anxiety abounds

Posted on November 03, 2008
Tomorrow could (should) be one of the most glorious days in history. I'm poll-watching in a quasi-rural area in a traditionally red state so I'll be up at 5:30am, which I kind of regret already, but I had to so something to be a part of this one.I'll also just be happy to have all this political diarrhea off the airwaves...

Fuckrockets!!! This is what happens when you have no class on Friday

Posted on October 24, 2008
No Friday class = Thursday nights of drinking.Drinking = drunkeness = hunger, then home.Drunk at Home = corndogs!Unopened corn dog box + butcher knife (recently sharpened) =

An Enthralling Update!

Posted on October 20, 2008
"My friends,"I'm currently dividing my time between class (2-3 per day, none on Fridays), catching up on the entire first 3 seasons of "Heroes," battling my dog for the best spot on the couch, staring at the ceiling in my apartment, drinking beer and gin & tonics, and playing Tiger Woods and Mario Kart on Wii...

bleh.

Posted on October 01, 2008
I have no excuse. I have an embarrassingly light, easy schedule and (praise Jesus!) a job lined up. I have so much free time it's obscene. In fact, I should really be writing three times as much as I have the past two years. Is it possible that I've become so lazy that I'm actually putting off procrastinating?One thing I do know is that Sarah Palin is so stupid it's scary, and John McCain always looks to me like somebody's drunk, rambling great uncle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Posted on August 17, 2008
I'll be getting revved up again this week. Until then, enjoy this gem from Flight of the Conchords.

Fun with Vanity Plates

Posted on July 25, 2008
Everyone knows that "vanity plate people" are a special breed of idiot. It takes an almost unfathomably inflated sense of self-importance for someone to actually put a message about himself on his license plate.The good thing is that a vanity plate also serves as an instant warning that the person behind the wheel has the driving skills of an autistic blindfolded lemur, due largely to the fact that they feel the road is their own personal space and you are merely an unwanted guest there...

Obviously this is just a big misunderstanding.

Posted on July 22, 2008
Batman actor Christian Bale arrested over assault allegation

This is clearly a lie.

Posted on July 22, 2008
Report: 'Batman' accused of assaulting mom, sisterLONDON ? Batman star Christian Bale was to be questioned by police over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of his film, "The Dark Knight," British media reported Tuesday...

"It's Friday [the 13th], I'm in Love"

Posted on July 17, 2008
I recently saw the Cure. They were sensational of course, but cripes--Robert Smith is not aging well. In fact, he bore a frightening likeness to someone you may recognize:

Easily the Best Summer Associate Perk I've Heard Yet

Posted on July 08, 2008
Holy shite. As if it weren't enough that these fucks get paid $3k/wk even though they haven't even graduated yet, now there's this.Yes, I'm jealous. Fucking bastards.

In honor of gay pride week: A Case Study in Gender Ambiguity

Posted on July 07, 2008
Man or woman? Methinks I spy the beginnings of a soul patch, but there's no way this is a dude. Then again, it couldn't be a girl. I'm truly at a loss.

Moron of the Week: Classic eBay Degenerate

Posted on July 03, 2008
You know the grown man who rides your ass when you're going 12 mph over, and then you see him in the rearview mirror flailing his arms, pounding the steering wheel, and screaming? Well I just had a fun exchange with him on eBay. Here's the actual copy of the emails--I shit you not, I did nothing to provoke this maniac--with a few of my own bracketed comments added in...

A question for everyone here

Posted on July 02, 2008
If you end up (or endED) up receiving and accepting an offer at the end of your second summer, how will / did it affect you 3L life? My schedule next semester is already fantastic (all req blocks out of the way; no class on Fridays), and my class ranking is more or less set in a good place...

Supreme Court rules death penalty unconstitutional for child rapists

Posted on June 26, 2008
Which prompted a huge sigh of relief from this guy:

List of people you don't want representing you if you're facing a life sentence

Posted on June 20, 2008
Number one on the list is this guy. This is actually the final video of a four-part series on Youtube. It's unbefuckinglievable how long this judge allows this to languish on (I think the first clip starts at around 10:30 or so). I'd venture to say 95% of judges would put an end to this nonsense within the first 90 seconds...

You really should only eat oxycontin in months that end with "R"

Posted on June 13, 2008
I'm all for not jumping to conclusions about people solely on the basis of their physical appearance.That being said, I could have taken one look at this guy and told you he was a fuckin criminal.Restaurant owner accused of selling drugs with oystersCharlie's Original Oyster King on South Main Street in Acworth serves up hot dogs, sandwiches and oysters made all kinds of ways...

R. Lee Ermey teaches a High School class

Posted on June 05, 2008
Okay, so maybe this guy took it a little too far, but does he really need to be charged with terroristic threats? Hell, he already quit his job! And given the situation, and the punks these poor teachers have to deal with these days, can you really blame him? If we had more teachers like him maybe we wouldn't have the dumbest ass kids in the state.

Explanation re: recent slacking in my macking and slippin in my pimpin

Posted on June 02, 2008
Faithful readers, I apologize for the weakness lately. Things are happening, but just as Fawkes commented below, I can't afford to get fired so no blogging at work. That said, I'll try to pick it up some.As for the future, my schedule next semester is a joke, which will provide plenty of opportunities to spew forth my twisted and obnoxious views...

WHAT'S! MY! NAME!? Apparently it's written across your rear windshield

Posted on May 07, 2008
Without a doubt, the most shocking element of this story: DMX lives in fuckin Phoenix?

I didn't even need to go to law school to know this was effin stupid

Posted on May 06, 2008
But apparently this kid didn't realize it... along with 100 other San Diego State frat boys. I haven't posted one in a while, but this just screams Moron of the Week... congratulations, Kenny--whoever you are--on resurrecting the prestigious award!

These guys nailed it

Posted on May 06, 2008
Given my previous tirade against Criss Angel's dumb ass "magical" mind freaking, this video simply must be posted... enjoy.See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

no caption needed

Posted on April 30, 2008

A Typical day in life during law school finals

Posted on April 30, 2008
FIRST SEMESTER- wake up to alarm clock promptly at 7:00am, eat breakfast, drink coffee, pore over outlines and class notes all morning. Go to gym in afternoon to relieve some stress, come home, resume studying. Meet with classmates to go over outlines and and anxiously predict what problems we may have on the exam...

Hearsay is so incredibly gay

Posted on April 28, 2008
that is all

I sure hope this person found what they were looking for

Posted on April 21, 2008
Seeing the search terms people enter en route to stumbling across your blog is one of the main reasons for maintaining one. That being said, I'm not sure my blog would have helped this person out much:

This is why I don't bet on sporting events with real money

Posted on April 19, 2008
God bless Centsports for allowing me to entertain my gambling impulses for free, while also reminding me of what an absolutely atrocious prognosticator I am of all things sports.

To facebook or not to facebook?

Posted on April 16, 2008
One of the first things they told us in 1L orientation was to delete our online social network profiles. They must have known that then we wouldn't (after all, then what the hell would we do in class), because the next thing they said was to at least put them on restricted viewing...

Apathy abounds

Posted on April 14, 2008
My first exam is in less than two weeks. I have two 20 page papers due next week. Try as I might, I just don't care. I've tried hard to care. I can't.This time last year I was cranking out outlines, poring over Nutshells, making stacks of flashcards. That is not happening now...

Reasons why people should incur a lifetime Facebook ban

Posted on April 11, 2008
Missy McClanahan can't believe she has to wait all the way until September to become Mrs. David Taylor!! I WUV U WIDDLE BIDDLE POOKIE BUNNY!!!!!!!!

The Turbo Moustache

Posted on April 09, 2008
By Jove, my mastery of most things alcohol has led to another divine creation! The following recipe makes about two large drinks. Behold my glory in liquefied form--the Turbo Moustache:1) Brew four cups of coffee, double strength (since it will be diluted w/ ice and other garnishments)...

Damn you to hell, Moola.com

Posted on April 08, 2008
I just got savvy to this site yesterday, and the games are downright infuriating. I'm not so good with the numbers games (I am in law school, after all), so when I lose a very uncomplex mental battle like "Gold Rush" to somebody named "SouthAL_hswife" or "Jenny1994," it's for good reason, although nonetheless aggravating...

the World Wide Want

Posted on April 03, 2008
The amount of time and money I spend on ordering things from online merchants is becoming problematic.PROS1) You can get anything you can imagine at the best existing price;2) It's a great cure for boredom and a conduit for procrastination;3) Knowing something is coming in the mail gives you something to look forward to...

Why do these people exist?

Posted on April 02, 2008
You know those degenerate pieces of brainless societal sludge who ride right up on your ass on the interstate, even when you're not in the left lane and you're going 10 mph faster than the speed limit? And then they weave in and out of traffic (with no turn signal of course), forcing everybody else on the road to swerve or slam on the brakes?Well, one of them just murdered four people, including a woman and her 13-month old baby, and sent more to the hospital with life-threatening injuries...

Petfinder.com

Posted on March 24, 2008
With the insane number of dogs out there for adoption in every shape, size, color, and breed you could possibly imagine, I am a staunch advocate against buying one from a breeder. It blows my mind that people will actually choose to pay, for instance, $1000 or more for a yipping 3-lb rat dog...

Just a typical Saturday night

Posted on March 23, 2008
Thanks to the Grapist for this gem:

Just a typical

Posted on March 23, 2008
Thanks to the Grapist for this gem:

Podcasts

Posted on March 12, 2008
I've had an iPod for the better part of this century. It's an amazing little device and I love the hell out of it. Which is why I am flabbergasted that I just now discovered the vast universe of podcasts.I always knew they existed, but I didn't really expect that there was anything I'd be interested in...

Dedication or constipation?

Posted on March 12, 2008
Sheriff: Woman sat on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years; didn't want to leave bathroomNESS CITY, Kan. ? Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years--so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police...

This... is... SPECTACULAR

Posted on March 06, 2008
Play the best video game ever created, here, online, for free, nothing to download, no strings attached...

Alcohol sometimes makes me mean

Posted on March 04, 2008
Eh, sorry about the last post... I considered deleting it altogether, but then I decided I should have to be punished by seeing it every time I visited the page, and also that it would encourage me to post more in order to knock it further and further down...

Greetings, cunts!

Posted on February 29, 2008
to hell with you all. i get 70-100 unique hits a day but no comments?i'm shutting down until further notice. it's been real, but genius should be rewarded, and if you can't hang then you don't deserve this kind of brilliance. i have enough shit to do without providing amusement for whores who show no appreciation...

Vital news from the front lines

Posted on February 18, 2008
The following is an excerpt from a recent email from a college buddy of mine who is now a 1st Lieutenant in the Marines, and is currently in his second tour in Iraq... I would first like to thank everyone for showing great restraint and tact by not sending me Gay Porn and/ or a giant dildo this year for Valentine?s Day...

What ESPN2 really stands for

Posted on February 18, 2008
Exclusively Showing Poker Nonfuckingstop (well, with a 2 on the end, I guess).damn you and damn your lame ass poker. I've been over this before. Why is this on television?!? Yes, I know it's because there is a large market of jacktards out there who have nothing better to do than to watch other people play a fucking card game on TV...

Tell the world my story

Posted on February 12, 2008
Well friends, I fear this may be the end. What began as a pestering sore throat has transformed over the course of a week into a full-blown case of a treacherous and likely fatal illness, probably acute tuberculosis, or typhoid fever, or some other perilous disease I had previously only heard about on Oregon Trail...

In case you were wondering

Posted on February 11, 2008
If you already have a sore throat, fever, and nasty cough, it's probably not a great idea to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes, yell a lot, and take shots until 5am. Sure you feel great at the time, but three days later when you miss all your classes, haven't done any reading for the week, and are laid up on the couch at home whining like a baby ass bitch, you'll have only yourself and Joe Camel to thank for the pleasure...

Where does it end??

Posted on February 08, 2008
Well fuck. Why don't you just have me type the second verse of "Livin La Vida Loca" in Mandarin? I blame the Arabs, who all hate our freedom.

Things that should cease to be

Posted on February 06, 2008
1. Gym lame-os - Dude, it's bad enough that you actually choose to wear a wife beater every time you work out at the university gym, but constantly looking at yourself flexing in the mirror? Really?2. Facebook guerrillas - STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO ADDING YOUR APPLICATIONS TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE! I do not want to help you with your next poker move, I don't want to join your virtual ninja club, and I sure as shit don't want to make every bit of information on my Facebook page available to the shady turds who create these ridiculous programs...

blah blahhgity blaaaah

Posted on February 01, 2008
Things are just peachy down here in I-give-so -little-of-a-fuck-about-law-school-now-it's-kind-of-becoming-alarming Land. I really haven't been doing much work, but I figure as long as I keep up with the reading I'll be good to go.Anywho, at the risk of being one of those ass-lazy bloggers who just posts YouTube videos all the time, I have here...

Hot damn, "The Dark Knight" looks good

Posted on January 25, 2008
At least Heath Ledger's final performance appears to be his best...

Simon's latest victim: aspiring American Idol Alberto Hurtado

Posted on January 22, 2008
This is a rare gem... Please, please watch it. I promise it's worth it."You are the equivalent of a storm cloud on a sunny day..."

No good deed goes unpunished

Posted on January 21, 2008
I'm not an idiot (well, not completely at least), and I realize that non-profit, not-for profit, etc. organizations, causes and charities rely on repeat donors in order to sustain themselves. It makes sense and I don't knock them for it.However... there is a constructive way and a counterproductive way of doing this...

Paging Dr. Phil to the Moron of the Week podium

Posted on January 14, 2008
As much as it pains me to give even more attention to the awe-inspiring nuclear meltdown that is Britney Spears, it also gives me an opportunity to trash the ridiculously self-serving and obnoxious goober- ishness of Dr. Phil. Howard Stern had some choice words about the good doctor on Letterman the other night, not the least of which was his pointing out the fact that a Ph...

My Fellow Americans,

Posted on January 10, 2008
This is called a "roundabout:"It is a very simple traffic tool that promotes efficient travel by auto-mo-bile. It has had great success in virtually every other country in the Western world, so I assure you they do in fact work when used properly. However, since some of you more brain-dead amoebas cannot seem to master the intricacies of this simple engineering device (e...

A Glimmer of Hope for you Disgruntled 1Ls

Posted on January 08, 2008
Most of my grades are now in, and things are looking quite a bit brighter than they did at this time last year, to say the least. The main differences: I learned how to study.I learned how to write exams.I'm no longer being graded against my 1L section (which, unlike the rest of the sections, was half composed of law review members)...

Stop posting grades for classes other than mine

Posted on December 26, 2007
Waiting.... waaaaiiiiiiting....

Some limited wisdom for the 1L or law school hopeful

Posted on December 10, 2007
Almost halfway done--woot! Since I'm approaching the midway point, I'll share a few gems I've picked up over the past 16 months.1. Some professors--not many, but some--are extremely lazy. If you have a hunch about one, it's probably right, and the grades will be given out with no particular rhyme or reason...

THIS JUST IN--

Posted on December 02, 2007
drinking rum and watching football is more fun than studying for finals.We'll have more news on this breaking story as it develops.

A limerick from the empty caverns of my mind

Posted on November 21, 2007
Ten days with no classes--gadzooks!Now the student can make his grades higher;But instead of outlining and minding the books,He spent most of it watching The Wire:

American Gangster Punch

Posted on November 10, 2007
This evening Mrs. Moustache and I went out to see the latest picture show, "American Gangster." Since it was a late viewing, we had some time to kill, and as we were passing by the local package store while en route to the cinema house, we hopped in for a package...

Separated at Birth?

Posted on November 07, 2007
Atlanta Hawks guard Joe Johnson,and...... actor Eriq LaSalle

Aha!

Posted on November 06, 2007
I finally realized today that the whole "thinking like a lawyer" thing is really just law school orientation jargon for "using a balancing test to justify whatever conclusion you want." My first year my head was so focused on getting the issues, facts, and holdings of every case that I failed to recognize--until now--that balancing tests control the world...

Dear Krystal Chili Cheese Pups,

Posted on October 19, 2007
Despite the fact that I devour you at 3:30am on a near-weekly basis and am growing tired of waking up next to your empty boxes, I remain in awe of your deliciousness.Love,J.M.PS. If you make me fat I'll fucking shoot you.

A Plea to the Shoely Challenged

Posted on October 09, 2007
Is anybody else sick of seeing dudes in flip-flops? I understand wearing them to run out to the store or something--but 80% of the guys I went to college/go to law school with wear the same pair of flip flops everywhere, every single day. It's disgusting...

Sadly, this is my life

Posted on October 04, 2007
Every weeknight around 11:30 or so, I invariably end up in the kitchen and return with this combination (or some variety thereof).

Fun with the Commerce Clause

Posted on October 02, 2007
A fantastically ironic story relating to Heart of Atlanta Motel (the Supreme Court case that blew open the Commerce power and helped bring about the Civil Rights Act of 1964). The crazy racist owner is still alive and ticking... and causing trouble. What a bastard!

I guess those torts cases really do happen in real life

Posted on October 01, 2007
I was driving on the interstate back to school from Big City the other morning when all of a sudden the car started shaking violently. I looked in the rearview mirror and it was like the thing was clamped in one of those industrial paint can mixers--I couldn't see a damn thing the mirror was shaking so hard...

Surrounded by idiots

Posted on September 27, 2007
Text to criminal procedure classmate: Better think twice about eating a french fry on the DC subway if you're a 12-year old girl. The Supreme Court will let them lock your ass upResponse: Thurgood Marshall must have just banged his head against the wall for hours every day after work

Young co-ed or toothless heroin junkie? A tough choice

Posted on September 25, 2007
While there are several problems with the fact that this story below even happened, I'll start with this: hey, dingus--in case you didn't get this memo in your orientation packet, YOU'RE A DIVISION-I QUARTERBACK AT THE BIGGEST SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY. I think you just might be able to find a few campus floozies to give up the goods on any given night...

Moron/Piece of Shit of the Week

Posted on September 20, 2007
and I don't even really like cats, but what an absolute degenerate. Police: D[R]acula man fed live cats to dog A man in Gwinnett County captured kittens to feed live to his pit bull, investigators said Thursday.Sheriff's deputies charged 21-year-old Tye Hilmo Thursday with aggravated cruelty to animals, said Stacey Bourbonnais, spokeswoman for the Gwinnett County Sheriff's Department...

Interview Douche

Posted on September 18, 2007
Interview season is upon us, and with it the golden opportunity for conceited douchebags aplenty to sign up for every single firm that comes to campus--even ones they have no intention of joining if selected--solely because it will give them increased chances to wear a suit to school and thereby tell everybody "hey, guess what...

Get your hot dogs and poker off my damn television

Posted on September 12, 2007

Ezekiel, you play right midfield--Judas, you're in goal

Posted on September 11, 2007
This evening I received a yellow card for an obscenity-laden tirade during an intramural soccer game versus the Baptist Student Union.It began with a horrendous call (after the keeper slid in front of me and I cut inside towards the goal, he grabbed my legs and wouldn't let go, and, unable to move my legs, I eventually fell on top of him...

To those law students also in the job race

Posted on September 07, 2007
Has anyone (2Ls or 3Ls) had any experience cold-mailing resumes and cover letters? Everyone keeps telling me this is a necessary complement (even though responses are generally meager) to the job search process, but it seems like a huge waste of time...