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: Butterflyfish

I don't have time to engage in the mommy wars because I am too busy questioning my own choices to judge yours

I am still working on figuring out who I am and what I want. Going to law school was an enormous step for me -- I quit a career and an identity that had defined me for the better part of a decade because I was not enjoying it. It was not what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be.

So I took the leap and went to law school and have done some exploring.

I tried a huge prestigious corporate job, and I liked the bright lights and shiny things, but knew it wouldn't fit my life. I enjoy my time with my family too much and am not willing to make the sacrifices jobs of that particular type would have required. Also, jobs of that type won't hire me anymore. *shrug*

I tried working in a judge's chambers and found that I liked the research and writing and intellectual challenge, so I tried to pursue it as a post-grad option for one year. It didn't work out, but as it is one thing I can say confidently that I liked, I am going to try again.

I tried a small/mid-sized law firm job and it was pretty good. I liked working with clients. I liked the variety in projects. I wasn't saving the world, but I was doing work that most days made me feel ok. I don't know exactly what area of law I want to practice. I have developed a long list of what I don't want to do, but can't really define my dream job anymore.

Next, I think I am going to try a public interest externship that I have wanted to do since I started law school but have repeatedly put off.

I am not an in your face, loud and proud feminist.

I am not quietly confident that I am doing what is best for me and my family, and to hell with the rest.

I am a seriously conflicted person.

I have an internal voice that makes me question every single decision that I make regarding both my career and my parenting. And my tendency to be that way sometimes makes me sad, frustrated, and frankly, boring.

I envy the woman who knows who she is and knows how to make it all work for her and her family. I am jealous of people who know what they want, who are confident they've got it right. I aspire to it, but have a long way to go.

F**k the mommy wars. I've got my own war to wage, and I'll be damned if someone else is going to make me feel badly about my choices. I do that well enough on my own already, thank you.

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Hat tip to Lag Liv and PBB who made me think about this today.

Full post as published by Butterflyfish on October 30, 2008 (boomark / email).