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"Can A Working Mom Be A Good Mom?"

By Anonymous

That was the subject line of an email waiting in my inbox this morning. It was immediately deleted and Landon and I continued our morning routine. The reactions it provoked weren't outrage and anger (although there was some eye-rolling), but instead, a realization that since having Landon, lines like that don't really bother me anymore.

Before I became pregnant, I obsessed over the mommy wars. JP was forced to spend many hours listening to me rant about the fact that working moms are held to such a higher standard than working dads (ever seen the title: "Can A Working Dad Be a Good Dad?" No? Exactly.) and how I feel judged for wanting to work when it's assumed he'll do so. His response was always some variation of, "Why do you care? It's our family, not theirs." And while he was right, it was all the more frustrating because I did care how people viewed me and my mothering- I cared a lot. I've always done things the right way- been the good example- and it drove me insane to think that people I knew and loved could disagree with or look down on my decision. I craved approval and worried that for the first time in my life, I wasn't going to get it.

All of that slowly faded while I was pregnant with Landon. Beginning with my family's less than enthusiastic reaction to my pregnancy, I learned pretty quickly that approval in the world of parenting is hard to come by. More importantly, I found that I didn't really care. JP and I were making the right decisions for our family and opinions from outsiders (even very close outsiders) just weren't the ones that mattered. Reading it now that seems like such an obvious statement, but it was a bumpy road for me to get there. The final step was Landon's birth. At that moment, I was the mom, and I knew that no one else could tell me what was best for me or my baby. And soon I was too busy living the life I had chosen to be concerned about what other people might think of it.

I used to wonder where the working moms were on the message boards- after all there must be some working women who are happy with their life and can stand up to the "shame on you for continuing to pursue your dreams after birthing a child" nonsense. And now I know- they're just busy making it work. I'm sure there will be some sacrifices and trade-offs in my future, and child care options, where we work, and how much we work will all be up for discussion as needed. But taking ownership of my choices, and being happy with them, has been the best therapy for getting over my fear of judgment. I've also found that all the criticism and mommy-warring I used to read about in magazines and message boards are largely products of those enivrons- the people I actually interract with haven't made any indication they think I should be home all day.

So the "can a working mom be a good mom" debate can rage on somewhere else- I spent this evening quacking at Landon, splashing with him in the tub, and rocking his cuddly little self to sleep. He's a happy, secure, and beloved little boy, and I'm a happy, busy, and fulfilled mother- and we're both too busy with the quacking, splashing, and cuddling to read an article about whether or not I can be a good mom.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on January 31, 2008 (boomark / email).