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: Law with Grace

Live blogging the The Amtrak Wolverine

By Grace

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12:10 So far so good. I took a half day today. I brought my luggage with me, and am now on my way to visit the agent and her wife in Detroit. Normally, I would drive, but at the last minute I decided to give the train a shot. It's shit ass cold, so I took a cab from the courthouse to Union Station. It took me about 5 minutes to get my tickets. Then Artful, whose office is across the street from the train station, ran over to bring me diet cokes, Season 3 of Arrested Development, a documentary on how Miami became the cocaine capital of the world, and a book about hunting down Pablo Escobar. Smart dude. I had already brought with me season 2 of Boston Legal, and the autobiography of Julia Phillips, who is the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Picture. There's no shortage of entertainment.
Then, I went over to the food court and got three chicken tacos. for $6.00. At the airport, that would have cost me $10.00. I got on the train, noticed there was a shit-ton of legroom, and no one sitting next to me. So far, I don't know WHAT the hell Carrie Bradshaw was bitching about. This seems freakin' awesome! No one telling me what to make sure my tray table is up and my seat is in its upright position. No one telling me not to use my computer. Admittedly, I haven't seen the bar car, and I haven't seen the bathroom, but for now, I have no complaints. And off we go departing exactly on time at 12:15...

12:36 It seems we've stopped for no apparent reason.

12:46 Still Stopped. The conductor tried to inform us through the PA system what was going on. But apparently the PA system wasn't working. So all we know is "thank you for patience. We will...soon...signal...time...with."

12:49 Awwwwww.... because the PA system isn't working, the train conductor PERSONALLY went to each car to inform us that there is a delay due to a freight train, and as soon as we get a signal that the freight train is gone, we shall continue on our quest to the Motor City and beyond.
12:54 Apparently the PA system is working again. They are telling us A. That the bar car is now open and it is in the front of the car. B. We cannot smoke. C. That the bathrooms are unisex, so please knock before going in, and D. to please remember to flush the toilets when we are done. We are still not moving.

12:58 Ok. we are moving.

1:27 We're stopped again. There's a train crew working on the tracks. I wanna be annoyed, but I just feel really badly for the poor guys working on the tracks. It's really cold outside. And I'm watching Boston Legal with a diet coke. My tacos were delightful by the way. After I finish this episode of Boston Legal, I'm..EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW... the guy across from me is eating a banana. In case you don't know this about me, I fucking HATE bananas. Everything about them makes me sick, and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW he just draped his gross banana peel across his pant legs!!! omg I have to take a picture.

This is the single worst thing that could POSSIBLY HAPPEN.

Eww. And the train is STILL not moving. The workers have GOT to get off the tracks. OK. We're moving. I can just block this out. Uggh. Stupid banana fumes have permeated through my diet coke can and now my delicious diet coke is ruined.
1:43 The banana is still there. How can a person just sit there with a banana peel on his knee? What's next tying a used condom around his wrist? This is BEYOND unacceptable. And now I have to pee. Maybe I should switch to a beverage of the alcoholic variety.

1:50 Thankfully, the banana peel and its owner have left.

2:40 I wanna make love to the Amtrak. It's divine. The bathroom, of course, was a little gross. But the bar car? Sublime. The bar car operator? Delightful. My beverage of choice? Pinot Grigio. In a little bit, I might go get some pretzels. This is, with the exception of the early delays and Banana Man, the most relaxing travel experience I've had in America. No one is talking on cell phones. No babies are crying. No... yawn.... I think I might close my eyes for awhile...

2:58 Too filled with joy to possibly sleep. Denny shot his therapist. Giggle giggle giggle.

3:14 I think I've decided to throw away at least 50% of my wardrobe. It's snowing in Kalamazoo. I wonder if Kalamazoo is hiring prosecutors.

3:32 The train may or may not have hit a deer or perhaps a person. We have stopped while the situation is investigated. Based on the findings, we may or may not continue to the next stop. Banana Man has returned. Some other guy in a bad sweater asked me what the Dow closed at. Ooooh. We're moving! I guess we didn't hit anything.

4:53 (actually 5:53 because of the time change. I'm almost there. The agent is already at the station waiting for me. I'm so happy to be getting away for the weekend. I was just informed that the first thing we will be doing is decorating a Christmas tree. I don't even care. Bring on the fucking holiday cheer. Bring it on.

In closing, a haiku to Amtrak:
Oh Amtrak, My Love;

You made me not hate Christmas.

Just for today, though.

Full post as published by Law with Grace on December 08, 2008 (boomark / email).