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Bernie's List

1. To my friend who wrote in and asked my advice about whether he should be speaking to a media reporter:

I might have to update my advice.

While reading this morning's rags, it became obvious that there are maybe 3 journalists in the entire f--king world that have more than half a brain.

The "list" that every muck racker and pimp is using to exploit, humiliate or harass the many friends of Bernard Madoff Investment Securities was our holiday card list!!! NOT our active brokerage account list.

To those idiots that believe that all of the names were active customers: you need to get a set of Bernie's Pisher Pads--scroll down the right column and to find out how to order a dozen.

The"list" that everybody is shouting about was developed over 40 years!! Ask Frank Avellino!

And, who could possibly believe that Ira Sorkin actually lost money with us?? What? You think he's some type of altruist, and that he'd sign on to defend us if he was actually hooked on a trade??!! Trust me. He's not an altruist.

Frank D. can you tell you that plenty of those accounts were closed out years ago, and, a bunch were closed out a few months ago. Ask Sonny D. He'll back that up. Right, Sonny?

Its only too bad that Mr. Irving Picard hasn't learned from President Obama and Mary Shapiro when it comes to admitting a screw up. They apologize. What does Irving do? He sends a one paragraph letter pointing to some ridiculous code in the bankruptcy law book that says its legal.

Irv-all I can say is that I hope you've got lots of E&O coverage! Or maybe you want to borrow one of our security guards for a few days? I'm reading that lots of people are really pissed off that their names and home addresses are all over the Internet!

They should be getting some of Bernie's Pisher Pads, too..I admit that I peed my pants the first time our address went flying all over the internet!. Click over on the right; a case of 12 Bernie Pisher Pads could last a year, for only $49.95!!

Next:
To Hank Paulson, US Treasury Secretary (Retired)
From: Bernie

Hank-I just read that report from Elizabeth Warren; that gal with 20-20 hindsight over at Congressional Oversight. She might have good sight, but maybe not so much vision. Trust me when I tell you that I know how frustrating it is when people accuse you of squandering tens of billions of dollars, and accuse you of "saying one thing and doing another".

I think giving you a blank check was the only thing that could be done at the time. Its not like you went out and re-decorated your office, like Thain did!

Its also not your fault that every f--king bank on Wall Street miscalculated their bond holdings! I told them a long time ago--go with Bernie's split-strike strategy and put a collar around those positions!! But did they listen? Nah! They said they were smarter than me.

Could you have at least asked those banks what they were going to do with the FART money?
Maybe. But you knew better than to ask stupid questions! Ask no questions, get no lies!
So, as far as I can tell, you're a rock star.

Unless of course you did ask the questions and forgot to tell anyone else.

If that was the case--go with Mad Cow defense. Ira can help you out on that front.

Next:

To Lloyd Blankfein, CEO Goldman Sachs; Successor to Hank Paulson

Lloyd:
I'm not so sure that you're a rock star quite yet. The morning email briefing notes from your trading desk says you guys think gold is going to trade past $1000 in the short term.

As much as I like talking up your own book (we did that for years), when oil was at $145 this past summer, your group was calling for $200 before the end of the year. I think oil might have traded up twenty cents after that report came out, and then it went straight into the shitter. Last I checked, it was $38 and change.

So I have two things to say right now if you don't want Hank to petition for his old job back:

1. Have your desk put on a split strike collar on half of Ruth's account over at J.Aron in Zurich. If gold does trade through $1000--Ruth will make physical delivery from our warehouse over there. You'll need to send over one of your 18-wheelers to pick it up.

2. If gold goes back into the crapper, I'll put the bars to you, and I'll give you a discount on our new line of Madoff's Toilet Paper....Scroll to the right if you want to order on line.

Best to you and your family!
Bernie

Last: On the topic of Ruth's new book "Madoff's Survival Guide On How to Get by On Just $15,000 a month.."

Even though we've already got about 15,000 advance orders (some look like duplicates), after reading today's unemployment report, we might make a few changes as far as the title. I'm talking to the publisher now. The title might be changed to "..on just $12,000 a month."

Step one would be rolling out of those 550 leases and moving over to a Lexus. Pete worked that out for that kid Kugel from our trading desk.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 06, 2009 (boomark / email).