Law Humor

Weekend Update from Me, Bernie. Jail on Monday?? Ridiculous!

This little sweetie to the right is a news reporter. Her name is Rachel. She's not as cute as my friend Janey Wells at CNBC, but little Rachel is very smart. You, the Judge, and everyone else should pay attention to what she said today:

"..emotional calls fail to consider what could happen to this case if he actually is put in a cellblock now. ... may stop him going forward from giving up any clues about his path of destruction. Madoff's pot of gold, if there is one, could be buried forever.."

"..The second he enters jail, access to him for investigators becomes dramatically reduced and he will have no incentive to cooperate if he doesn't believe it will benefit him at all..."

"..Also, it's worth remembering that other alleged criminals of the past didn't go to jail while they awaited trial. On that list: John Gotti Jr., son of the former mob boss, and former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling.

If anyone thinks I should be "suffering" in a jail cell, let me tell you, you have no idea what its like to be cooped up with Ruth all day. The kvetching, the yapping on the phone, the trainer coming by, the shopping packages being delivered all day long. I'd almost rather be in jail.

Sure, as if I'm a flight risk. What do you think? That I'm going to have a helicopter land on the patio outside my penthouse and take me away to my jet waiting at the Westchester airport? Like my pilot knows how to fly a helicopter?? He doesn't.

And what sense does it make for the government to spending all that money on putting me in jail now, and making sure that I have a private cell, and making sure that all my comforts are taken care of? Ridiculous. Ruth is spending $5000 a day now on security, how much tighter can it get?? That means WE'RE PAYING FOR IT, NOT THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Speaking of the government and payments: here's a tip for those that are trying to figure out your tax strategy. The IRS is going to allow you deduct all of your losses due to theft on a going forward basis. So if your account statement showed having $20 million on account, you'll be able to deduct that amount on your going forward tax returns. Yes, this was all part of a bigger tax strategy introduced by a very well known firm. Want to know which one?

BTW- If you need duplicate copies of the statements that we sent, call the office and ask for Jodi or Frank. Either one of them can help.

Also--enough with everyone pissing on my brother Peter when it comes to what he knew, when he it knew it, blah blah blah.

Another topic. Not that we haven't heard enough about it; but all of these people talking about 'losing their life savings.." Enough!! Allan-you put in $500k 17 years ago and your account statement worked up to $4 mil only because I made it happen. You didn't do shit. The $3.5 mil is what I made happen for you! And, you'll be getting your $500k back from SIPC!!.. Just make sure to file the claim form quick, Harbeck is saying "FIFO accounting--first one that submits the claims are the first ones to get paid.."

Speaking of getting paid. If you didn't read my thoughts on how just about every CEO is slicing their own wrists by slashing the number of people on their payroll without dealing with the remaining workers properly, the people at CNBC's Fast Money even wrote in to say "Great job!" If you missed it, and my comments about that guy Mark Murphy, click here

Speaking of CNBC..I watched you the other night, Mr. Donny f--king Deutche...the crap that you and Cramer were throwing around about "RICO" was fit for a moron. The only thing you know about "RICO" is the little Spanish girl that cleans your apartment. And when it comes to screwing people, for a guy that collected $200mil selling a company that manufactures nothing but bullshit ads and phony product pitches, you've got some balls saying anything about me. And btw, I've also heard how you've screwed plenty of Jews...all those sweet little girls on the upper east side..You think I haven't heard about that? Ruth hears everything, believe me. You're a shameful sack of crap!

Now: my weekend dining recommendation: Its snowing like a bitch outside tonight, and I'm in the mood for BBQ..There's a fantastic place right down the street from us, its called Smokin' Q and we're ordering in for everyone (well, not everyone.. Ruth is going out with the kids, and I dare those f--king marshalls try to frisk her for anything on the way out!!..Anyway, try this place, their ribs are great! Trust me!

Brunch on Sunday: I've said it before; Sunday is bagel and novy day for us. And even though Zabar's is pretty good, I love those little Chinese guys that own Sable's on 78th and 2nd ..and their sturgeon is the best in NY.. They deliver, too!!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 10, 2009 (boomark / email).