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Way law school has ruined me #212

#212. Causes me to make distinctions, even in lawyer jokes.

My sister sent me one of those emails filled with quotes of things people actually said in court, taken down and now published by court reporters. Its supposed to be funny as examples of the stupidity or arrogance of lawyers. However, I find that the comments can be fairly categorized in three ways, two of which cause me to feel a degree of sympathy for the lawyer, rather than scorn.

Category 1: dumb (or to be charitable, confused) witnesses.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Sometimes, no matter how much pre-trial prep you do with someone, they just cannot answer appropriately on the stand. I have a good deal of sympathy for the lawyer here.

Category 2: poorly worded question the answer to which is necessary to lay an evidentiary foundation or for similar such reasons:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

I have some sympathy for lapses like these, if lapses they are. Were there better ways to handle these questions? Absolutely. But I can imagine spacing out for a second, going into auto-pilot and asking an asinine question. Probably why I don't want to be a trial attorney.

Category 3: idiot lawyer trying to make a point and gets comeuppance

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

No sympathy. Attorney was being a jerk and possibly trying to make some point about either the doctor's competance or the time of death, not really sure and it doesn't matter.

It's official. Law school has ruined me.

Full post as published by Butterflyfish on March 03, 2008 (boomark / email).