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A Two-For-One Epic Fail

By "Daisy Duke"

Lets chat about the two things in my life that have failed so miserably lately that I'm beginning to wonder why I don't just move back to New Orleans. (Then I think about taking another bar exam and then I laugh and shelve that idea.) divbr //divdivFirst, the iPhone. I love my iPhone. I'd like to make span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"iBabies/span with it. I'd like to snuggle up with it every night, but span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"Bismow/span thinks that is inappropriate and thus makes me plug it in a charge it. I love its shiny screen amp; I love its nifty applications (span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"hellllllo/span span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"Lightsaber/span application!). /divdivbr //divdivAnd I love Chicago. I love its food, its momentum, the lake amp; the parks amp; the general friendliness. I love the shopping and my friends and generally, I'm happy to be here. /divdivbr //divdivUntil this past week. /divdivbr //divdivWhen Chicago became an analogy for "Weather So Horrible Even Green Bay Is Feeling Sorry For You". When Mayor Daley implemented this awesome new plan of "Snow removal? We don't need no span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"stinkin/span snow removal." (Also known as the plan in which he decided to stop paying overtime to plow drivers after the arterial streets are done. And I don't know if you've ever been to Chicago but it is composed of SIDE STREETS. SIDE STREETS THAT ARE NEVER PLOWED OR SALTED AND THUS TURN INTO LARGE ICE SKATING RINKS WITH MOTOR VEHICLES amp; PEDESTRIANS LYING IN CRUMPLED HEAPS AT VARIOUS INTERSECTIONS.) In case you were wondering, I think his new snow removal plan sucks donkey ass to put it mildly. Chicago this past week is also trying to hit new record lows, and thus it has reached an overall high of something around 20 degrees, which I'm sorry but when that is the afternoon high, that means your 7 am morning commute in is a bit zippy to say the least. /divdivbr //divdivThus creates my problem. /divdivbr //divdivApple,  in all of its span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"infinite/span iPhone wisdom made a screen so glorious it only responds to human flesh. Which is cool, in theory, but when suddenly it becomes NEGATIVE NINE ZILLION DEGREES you don't want any flesh exposed. Suddenly your iPhone becomes an expensive paperweight. You must weigh the options: lose a finger to call your Mother back while you run out to get coffee, or hope she knows you are not span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"purposefully /spanignoring her and you'll call her back when you get home where there is HEAT. I have this whole system now of "one phone call" in which I punch the buttons, span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6"hurriedly/span throw on my gloves and dash outside. If the person doesn't answer, too bad. I'm not removing layers to call their cell phone or office line in an attempt to find them. They had their one shot, in the fleeting moment I was willing to remove my glove, and if they can't be bothered to answer, too bad. /divdivbr //divdivUnfortunately my plan has flaws, specifically call waiting. The problem becomes that the person I'm calling span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"does /spananswer and then halfway through the conversation I get the call waiting beep. I glance at the screen. Damn! It is the person I'm meeting for lunch/drinks/meeting. Now I must either risk a limb by taking my glove off, ignore them (and possibly vital information) or....or..../divdivbr //divdivI could use my nose. /divdivbr //divdivThe only exposed bit of flesh on my body. /divdivbr //divdivIt took a long time to master the skill of nose-bumping the iPhone screen in order to click calls over or hang up, but now I've gotten the skill down. Sort of. /divdivbr //divdivSo I apologize if you are out amp; about in Chicago and run into a girl wearing many layers span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7"smushing/span her iPhone into her face. There is a method, I swear amp; it is being perfected in time for tomorrow's ice storm. (Someone please explain why when it is 29 degrees we are going to have an ice storm instead of snow. Thank you.) /divdivbr //divdivAnd now, back to smacking myself in the face with my iPhone. /divdivbr //div

Full post as published by Legally Blonde Ambition on December 17, 2008 (boomark / email).