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: Butterflyfish

Resolve

I don't "do" New Years resolutions. I don't let the flip of a calender page dictate how I choose to live my life. Every few weeks, I go on the kinds of "kicks" people do for the new year -- like giving up fried food or caffeine or pretending to exercise. January first doesn't necessarily inspire any more commitment from me than March 13.

This year is a little different though, because the new year coincides with the new semester. I am half-way done with law school. I have only three semesters left. So, a little revolution is in order.

I've been feeling really pretty good for the past few weeks -- and I'm not one of those *squee I love the holidays* kind of people -- but I look back on this semester as a black cloud. Like 2006 was hard in its own way, with Bullshark gone. But though I had sad days, I plodded through, one foot in front of the other, until it was over. And I don't look back on it as a terrible awful no good very bad time.

Fall 2007 was hard in a different way -- it was marked by the kind of fuzzy-headed paralysis only those who have been truly depressed can understand. I mean, I was functional. I showered and got dressed every day, I fed Clownfish, I went to classes, I diligently prepared for my interviews and did all my law review commitments.

But nothing stuck. Nothing stayed in my head. I often didn't read for classes because doing so was completely pointless... my brain was elsewhere anyway. It wasn't dwelling on dark, secretive, evil thoughts. I just didn't feel really present in class, or when I talked to my husband, or when I spent time with my son. I don't know where I was. I was just... elsewhere. And its going to show up in the grades. Family Law was just the beginning.

But it is what happened, and I can't change it now. I can't describe it better than that. Depression sucks. Anyway.

My goal for 2008:

Be invested in the present. Enjoy classes. Enjoy the luxury of being in school. Enjoy the externship and the journal commitments and yes, the stress. Success will come if I just stop trying to define it by other people's standards.

Happy New Year to all. See ya in 2008. Which is tomorrow.

Full post as published by Butterflyfish on December 31, 2007 (boomark / email).