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I woke up this morning (unfortunately before 7am) and my initial thought was that I have no idea how I'm going to practice employment law. How am I supposed to tell my clients that they should fight for their rights against their employers, when I've never stood up to do the same?

I was thinking about those assholes who promised my mom a job four months ago and then changed their minds. It was a really dick thing to do. And my mom's reaction isn't to lawyer-up and make them own what they did, she's just sad, because she was looking forward to the job, and she thinks it's her fault that the husband didn't like her and that they have a right to treat her this way. Just like she thought it was her fault that her last retail employer found an illegal way to push her out so her manager could hire a friend in her place (and for cheaper).

Then I realized that I rationalize the same way. Blame the victim, blame myself. When my previous employer pushed me out during my maternity leave, I didn't stand up to them. I let them treat me like that, and damnit, I didn't deserve it. In the back of my mind, all I could think of was that I must have done something wrong. I must have made someone angry, or messed something up, or didn't work hard enough, because otherwise, they would have valued me enough to keep me. And that simply isn't true. They're assholes that staged a coup on a named partner soon after they pushed me out the door. They're assholes that are filthy rich, while their associates make barely more money than secretaries. And I can rationalize it all I want to that I didn't stand up to them because I didn't want to harm my career in the long-run, or ruin what would still be a good reference. But the truth is, I didn't stand up to them because I was afraid, and because deep down I blamed myself, or at least felt that I had done something wrong. The idea of having every mistake I'd ever made paraded in front of me in response made me sick to my stomach. What was a supposed "mixup" about my continued employment would become a harsh evaluation of everything I did. I didn't want to face that. I let them have their "mixup" excuse, didn't call them on their emails of promised continued employment, or any of their other lies I had documentation of. It cost me full time employment over the summer, and definitely ruined any chance I might have had of finding a job in that city. But I just didn't want to face it.

And that's what I'll be expecting my clients to do. To stand up to their employers and demand to be treated fairly, to receive just compensation. To believe it wasn't their fault and still have to face all of it.

I just hope I'll be a better advocate for my clients than I have been for myself. I've always had an easier time standing up for other people than for myself. I don't feel this insecurity with other areas of law, just with employment. I've never had a problem calling up a hospital or an insurance company and demanding anything and everything, for me or anyone else. But employment law does scare me a little and I'm still feeling a bit insecure. Anyone else out there felt the same way when they first started practicing law? Anyone out there practice employment law? Thoughts?

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