Law Students

86 Days

I snapped a couple of new hair regrowth progress pictures this morning and then decided that today was a good day to share the post-chemo images that you have been asking about. I previously took pictures 1 day post-chemo and then again 51 days post-chemo. Today is 86 days post-chemo. I haven?t looked at the 1 and 51 day pictures since I took them.

I added the 86 day pictures today and then looked at them all in order, side by side. These photos were supposed to chronicle the regrowth of my hair, but my reaction to them caught me totally off-guard.

I have spent the past month and a half feeling so great and so healthy, and every day I feel like I am recovering both physically and mentally from everything that I went through last year. Looking at these pictures, however, brought it all back. When I look at the photo of me with no makeup on that first day post-chemo it makes me cry. The picture makes me feel frightened to my very core about the idea of ever going back there again.

Every day, no matter how good I feel, there is always a tiny place in my heart that can?t forget about the cancer. That little place is constantly wondering if there are any cancer cells left in my body and if there are, how and where and when they might manifest themselves. That tiny place worries that maybe there is more cancer somewhere else. I am certain that these feelings are common to all cancer survivors?they are just part of the cancer package. And most of the time they don?t bother me. I plan to live my life fully and without undue worry as much as I possibly can. Looking at these pictures, however, pulls that tiny worry right to the very front of my mind. When I see these images of myself looking like this I feel everything that I went through?all the sadness and fear and grief and pain and weakness. While I am glad that I have documented the journey through photographs, I have a feeling that I won?t look back at them very often. Maybe it will get easier with time, but for now it isn?t something that I want to revisit.

At the same time, when I look at the picture of myself that I took this morning I can see how far I?ve come and how far I am from all that I experienced last year. That picture gives me great hope, because if I look like that 86 days after my last treatment then it can only get better from here.

Day 1 Post Chemo (November 2, 2007--No Makeup)

Day 1 Post Chemo (November 2, 2007--With Makeup)

Day 51 Post Chemo (December 22, 2007); This is the first day I was able to put mascara on my microscopic short little eyelashes!

Day 86 Post Chemo (January 26, 2008); The eventual color of my hair is anyone's guess. There are a lot of dark strands, but there are also a lot of blonde strands. (And they are all just as straight as they can be. So much for curly hair.) It looks like it is going to be very close to my regular untreated oh-so-lovely shade of dishwater blonde. If that's the case, as soon as I hit the 6-month safety mark I'll be at Suzy's house getting highlights!

Day 86 Post Chemo (January 26, 2008)

Full post as published by The Merits of the Case on January 26, 2008 (boomark / email).