Law Humor

Mid-Day With Bernie: Media Chazari

We're releasing Al Queda leaders from Guantanamo back into Yemen, and all the media can talk about is me??!!!

OK..Let's get a few things straight:

1. Of course I'm not in such good health right now! I'm not such a young guy anymore, and all this tsuris is taking a toll. Thank God Ruth kept those f--king defibrillators, even if she thought they were for something else when she bought them!

2. I got a note from John Thain last night. Its in the comment section from last night's post. At least I think it was from him. I don't know if it was really him, or if it was a phony statement. Its hard to tell what's real and what's not real these days...

John, if it really was from you, the offer still stands. But let me tell you something right now, this stuff I'm reading about the fancy furniture and the fancy rugs that you put into your office when everyone was getting pink slips...I don't like that kind of work ethic. So that comes to an end when you come to work for me.

We've got plenty of rugs and plenty of curtains already. In fact, I've got a few extra cars that you can choose from. That Mr. Picard is talking about canceling the leases on the two 550's, the Range Rover, and the Cadillac. You can have your pick. How's that for me being a mensch?

And what a f--king surprise that some company called LeaseTrader puts out a PR story offering advice on how to get out of leases. To all my friends in Boca: read the fine print before you use that service and try to get out of the lease on your cars. Its not as easy as it sounds. But, there is a lot to be said for downsizing to a Lexus--they ride much better than the Mercedes. Trust me. I have a few of each.

3. Talking about phony statements and my trusted friend Frankie D. Some hacks are putting a microscope to his resume and saying he put phony titles on it. I say, So What?? I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of f--king Fortune CEO's that put phony crap on their resumes. And, how about Government officials forgetting about a few things they were supposed to put on their tax returns??

4. Everybody is saying that I must be crazy. Why would I want to argue? Right, Ira? But I am getting a chuckle when I read that Tim Geithner, aside from his having some problems with TurboTax, isn't so familiar with Finra, and that Herbie Perone over at Finra isn't so familiar with what they're supposed to be looking at when doing audits. I tried plenty of times to teach them!

5. Some smarty guy is referring to the money that every one "lost" as "Bernie Dollars", and that it was all funny money, aside from their original investment. Trust me-when everyone looks back, you'll all appreciate that Bernie Dollars were a lot more valuable than Uncle Sam Dollars.

6. Layoffs at BMIS. To the people on 19; what can I say? It was a good ride while it lasted. And speaking of rides, whichever car that Thain doesn't want, I've got a few more to choose from, but you'll have to pick the lease payments. Don't worry, Peter, Shana, and the boys have plenty of cars already...

7. Managing Layoffs: Listen; every f--king company in the country is doing it now, and I keep hearing that most of these companies aren't doing anything to coach the people that are getting to keep their jobs. Schmucks. They've got employees walking around like zombies instead of getting on the phones and making money!

Not me! I told Peter to bring in that kid Mark Murphy from LeadershipIQ. This kid is a genius when it comes to making sure that morale and productivity don't get destroyed after handing a bucket of pink slips.

8. We had a few more cameras installed here. Ira thought it would make the Judge happy. Now I'm thinking of using them to do video broadcasting so that I can make this more entertaining. I've got Sonny D's kid looking into this company in Montreal for me. But, if anyone has a reference for them, that would guarantee my investment in this thing.

Last: Speaking of video, I've got to go change now; I promised Janey Wells that I'd expose myself to her today. That's going to start in about forty minutes on CNBC (if it doesn't get pre-empted by some kind of breaking news, or breaking wind over at TARP).

Knowing Janey, she'll probably keep a tape of it..maybe later on she'll have clips of it on her website..

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 23, 2009 (boomark / email).