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Madoff's Morning Brief: A Quick Note to Jamie Dimon

Here I am, in my briefs and bathrobe--one of the six that Ira sent over from Barney's, and it seems like today is going to be a great one!

Even though Ruth and I have always been big clients of Chase, I don't remember ever meeting Jamie Dimon, the kid that runs the bank, but I think our planes are parked next to each other over at Teterboro.

Ruth will have to check on this, but I don't think they even sent us the blender they promised when we opened up the account. Sure, I remember them putting $250 million into a BMIS account. Frank D. or Jodi can confirm this, but I'm pretty sure they made a nice return on that money. Just like everyone else. But, how would I know why they didn't tell the people that invested in Walter Noel's funds that they were pulling out??

Dear Jamie:
I don't remember much these days, but I do remember when your people pulled the $250 million out of the BMIS brokerage account. That was after you people made a very nice return.

And to tell you the truth, I couldn't even figure what the f--k it was that JPMorgan Chase was selling to those investors of yours'. Some type of cockamie notes that were leveraged, and a bunch of fees getting paid along the way to a bunch of different people.

Way too complicated for me and Ruth to even understand. And, as much of a smarty that little Erin Averdlund is, I'm guessing that even she's scratching her head after reading the Times's story about the wacky investment program that your people in London were peddling.

And trust me, if we couldn't understand it, I can't even begin to figure out how Walter and his boys in London were able to sell it. The split-strike strategy was nice and simple. Just ask the people over at CSFB. But, leave it to bankers to make things complicated.

So the good news is that more lawyers are going to be raking in more fees and stimulating the economy. The bad news is that unless you put down those gloves, you guys are going to be paying a bunch of those fees.

But, you sound like a smart kid, Jamie, and even though everyone says you're a fighter, I'm thinking you're going to do the right thing, just like Santander did.

Aside from the stupid questions that people are going to ask (and I'm guessing you don't like answering questions any more than I ever did), its not like you guys don't have plenty of cash to return to those investors. That FART money that Hank Paulson sent over has been burning a hole on your desk for more than two months, and nobody says that you can't use some of it to make those investors whole. That was one of the smartest things Paulson ever did!

As far as you're worrying about this claw back nonsense, there's a guy out in Minneapolis, a lawyer no less, his name is Keith Hanratty, and he knows about this stuff. I mentioned him before. Look him up and tell him Bernie sends his regards.

BTW--Ruth says she never got the f--king blender that she was promised and was thinking that maybe you could send it over.

B.L.M.

Next:
To Craig Kugel
From: BLM

The fact that you guaranteed the lease on the 550 just shows everyone how loyal my people have been. Maybe not so smart, but always loyal.

For what its worth, Peter says that he feels bad that you were hooked on the trade, but he's got more cars than he can drive right now. I'm thinking that since Mr. Irving Picard has already peeled of $30 mil for 'expenses', you should give him a call and have him tell the dealership that he'll make good on the $1300 that's owed for January.

B.L.M.

Next: Speaking of kugel. Ruth wants to tell everyone that she doesn't "cook books", but that she wrote a great kosher cook book. OK, maybe she didn't write it, but her name is on it. Just like JPMorgan's name is on the notes that Walter sold!

Anyway, to our friends in the neighborhood here on the East Side and out on Long Island that can't wait for the first edition of "Madoff's Guide on How To Manage on only $15,000 a Month", Ruth says that instead of overpaying for the kugel at Grace's, you can follow the recipe from her book, and it'll cost you less than $1.50 per serving.

More later.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 29, 2009 (boomark / email).