Law Humor

I wrote to Daddy last week and he didn't even have the decency to answer. What is UP with him, anyway? Who told him to hire a lawyer with a name like " Rusty Wing"?? God. Who even IS that?

Remember when we were young, and we used to watch reruns of " I Love Lucy," and Ricky would always say, "Lucy, You've got some 'splaining to do.." Well, you and Daddy have some serious 'splaining to do.

OK, it was my decision to work on the The Street. But its as if working for Uncle Bernie was always supposed to be everyone in the family's destiny.

I never told you, but I had always dreamed about being an Art History/Fashion major, but, by then, Finch College had gone out of business and you forbade me to go to Pratt!! I could have been a successful dress designer, married someone sweet and rich and "acceptable" as Uncle Bernie likes to say.

OK, Scott was sweet for a while, and he was Jewish.., but everyone in the family made him feel like an underachiever, and after a while, it became obvious that he couldn't compete with the boys, and since I was making so much more than him, everybody ridiculed him..so its no surprise that it didn't work out. So, instead, here I am with Eric, who keeps telling me I look "scrawny" - not that he has laid a hand on me in months. The fact that everyone is convinced that our marriage was nothing more than part of Uncle Bernie's "game plan" is infuriating. Especially since that's what Eric is saying. Its not like he's my "gentle gentile" any more. He's spending more time in Chicago than he is here.

Do you know I have lost almost ten pounds, that's like 10% of my body weight. Not only do my Narsico's not fit, but my SHOES --my MANOLOS, are slipping off. I never knew FEET "shrank". What am I supposed to wear? Something from Payless or one of those stores on Lexington Avenue in the 50's?

And that was some nasty crack from Mark that I could " always get a job selling shoes" - He is such a creep... I've got a law degree for God's sakes, its not like I'm going to slip Manolos onto my friend's feet or, worse, onto gross, smelly stranger feet. Right. That's about to happen. Let Mark try selling gear to fly-fisherman on Greenwich Avenue!

Mom, I only hope you really didn't know what you were getting me into, but you were so busy with those bridge games and those parties, and the guest lists for the charities that you barely paid attention, except to ask what I was wearing (well, black of course), so we wouldn't wear the same color. And since we're not the same size, I can't even borrow your stuff - not that I would.. Although you do have a few pieces of jewelry I could use. We also MUST discuss jewelry. Soon. Like tonight.

I know that I'm not outwardly emotional, but I'm not a happy camper right now. If I hadn't had a law degree I wouldn't be in half the trouble I'm in - Lawyers are held to a higher standards.. well, Mommies should be too...

I know you and Auntie Ruth are having a hard time. (Didn't she look AWFUL going shopping the other day??) - What was she thinking? Food Emporium?! - My nanny won't even go in there. UGH. Grace's delivers, the fish place delivers, Zabar's delivers, and her guards could have done her shopping. She seems to have forgotten her make-up, and the botox has certainly worn off.

Not that I don't love Auntie Ruth, but she always was so stubborn. And that hat - GOD! She must really be upset to go out looking that way. And don't tell me that Chavkin is advising her to act like a looney, nobody is going to buy it.

We need to discuss where to have a Seder this year.. I think the only place is Florida. Thank God you own the house on Algoma. It's big enough for us to stay a while. It will be spring break anyway, and we have to get away - and maybe do a little shopping for size Zero's on Worth Avenue. We can get our hair dyed new colors and wear hats and glasses.. You can use your maiden name and I can use Swanson - no one seems to be after HIM yet!!

Mom, you haven't called, and as much as I'm worried about Daddy and how all of this is effecting you, I need your help. Heather and Marci don't call me, and won't answer my texts. I am not lowering myself to begging people to have lunch. I even put dressing on my salad now to keep my strength up. The girls would think I was crazy, since they never eat anything and only push a piece of grilled fish around a plate.

* Maybe if we all weren't so hungry, we all wouldn't have been so hungry - if you catch my drift.

So, in the end, we get back to family - as you-know-who always said..

People don't know the type of adversity that we've had, and what we've gone through. And even though I worked my butt off throughout high school, college and Law School--and earned every penny that Uncle Bernie paid me to make sure that we complied with all of the rules, everyone thinks that it was an "all in the family" thing.

We can have fun again. Let's go to PB for a while and have Pajama parties and drink cosmopolitans and talk girl talk. Auntie R can come if she can get out of her house.

Imagine. Summer in Palm Beach. Oh God. Let's think positively. I can draw and sketch, and we can watch a lot of Classic Movies.

Mommy, Call my cell!

Shana