Law Humor

I was appalled to see that the people at the normally very good site Big Legal Brain have posted a less-than-perfect review of the Swingline 747 stapler --

-- which, as you can see here, is the model I use.

 
Granted, they gave it 4.5 stars, but that just begs the question why they begrudged it that last half-star. This is a great stapler. I personally chose the 747 over the standard models the firm would otherwise have provided for free, because extensive and rigorous testing has shown it to be ideal for the many light-to-medium stapling tasks so common in law firms and other light-industrial facilities. (Attention FTC: no compensation has been received in exchange for this post. It's just a good f&%#ing stapler, okay?)

The reviewers correctly praised the Swingline's general stapling ability, contemporary styling, and the aerodynamic qualities that make it so well-suited for throwing at staff; but they criticized it for (1) a jam they experienced while attempting to staple their largest test stack and (2) the difficulty they had shooting staples out of it:

For shooting staples across the room, the Swingline really has limited utility and pales in comparison to more powerful staplers . . . . To test the Swingline, [two colleagues] ran across the room quickly while I tried to hit them with staples . . . . I managed to hit them only 30 percent of the time, far less than the 78 percent accuracy rate we registered with the Stanley staple gun we tested last winter. But if your practice does not involve shooting staples at your colleagues or support staff, the Swingline should work just fine.

This was my response:

Gentlepersons:

You have correctly selected the Swingline 747 as a "favorite" but do not adequately explain why you failed to give it the full 5 stars (assuming you apply a 5-star scale). That very model sits upon my desk even now and is without question the finest stapler ever designed for personal use. Your criticisms of it appear to reflect either simple user error or attempted uses of the 747 in ways for which it was not designed.

The 747 is not a staple gun, and a 30% hit rate should be seen as remarkable for a model not intended for that purpose. If your goal is to discipline the staff, you should simply throw the stapler, a use for which you concede it is admirably suited. Trying to hit them with staples from a desk stapler will only erode whatever respect for you they may currently have in any event. Further, you do not specify the number of sheets you attempted to staple with the 747 -- in my experience, it routinely binds up to 30 sheets successfully, which is the most one can expect from any non-industrial stapler.

Also, it is red. [insult to previous commenter who doesn't like red redacted]

I trust that you will swiftly and upwardly revise your evaluation of this unparalleled stapling appliance that you have so unfairly maligned.

Sincerely,

Kevin Underhill, Esq.

If they don't retract their comments, we may end up resolving our differences with staple guns at dawn.

(Note to law students: if you have ever hoped you would not reach a point in life at which you develop a stapler preference, get out now.)