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Closing Bell..With Me, Bernie Madoff

I apologize to the thousands of people who depend on me, day in and day out to post a statement here in the late morning, after I have a bagel and shmear.....

To those of you--I have great remorse for not being on time. Ruth and I were a bit "itchy" this morning and we said what the hell, and actually tested out that defibrillator.....

Anyway--I know that I upset some of your schedules--including those two people at the "Department of Justice" that seem to log in every day, and the daily visitors from the SEC and the many lawyers in New York, Minneapolis, Boca, Palm Beach and Los Angeles....

What can I say?
This is what I can say:

On behalf of those in my immediate family that didn't understand the message that Ruth sent back in November when she said "we're pulling out of the market"--and forgot to take their cash out---we're only hoping that all of you fancy shmancy lawyers that are spending so much time visiting this blog aren't really charging your clients for the time that you're spending here.

To all of the government employees at the IRS, SEC, the FBI, and DOJ that are logging in every day; maybe you should be spending your time more efficiently?? I keep reading about scamsters running amok and the precious little resources that you claim to have. Every five minutes you spend on this blog, you could be maybe reading an email from a whistle blower!!

And especially you people at "DOJ"---What? You like reading about what Ruth and I do in private??? Ira---for god's sakes...please remind those people that President Obama has a different view on the Constitution than whoever it was these feds used to report to.

Next. To the smarty pants muckracker who happens to married to the Manhattan DA and wrote "I've got an exclusive...there's a warehouse in Queens...." Wow...Of course there's a f--king warehouse in Queens that has our records. What did you think? That we'd put that stuff on to computer disks??

Since you're such a smarty pants--and you seem to get information from law enforcement that no other reporter is allowed to have, did you ask your husband the DA about any recent fires in Queens today?

Next. Contrary to what people might be saying about Ira--he has made it very clear about what could happen if someone lies while under oath. And contrary to what people might be thinking--not that I care-the only thing I know about Ira and coaching is that he just showed me why my backswing has been off. Thanks, Ira.

Next. Just like I told everyone...Banco Santander is only the first that's going to make those that were feeding on feeder funds get some of their money returned. I never told them to invest with those funds, and I never said anything to anyone. As a matter of fact, just ask Sonja and she'll tell you that I said "keep my name off of the advertising brochures!"

Next. For Ruth and me, it was love at first sight back in high school. I'm hearing through grapevine that some people think we share everything with each other. Some of you also think that Ruth had more to do with our books than just writing about kosher food.

Don't forget that it was me that did the line "take my wife please, the author that cooked the books..." back in December. I said it right here on this very blog. So that everyone is clear, I can make those kind of jokes; but nobody else can!! Well, maybe Jane Wells can.

Next: To John Thain. John--the f--king market was up 200 points today, and before people start thinking they should be buying into stocks again, and instead of putting their money into MIDAS, I need an answer from you. We need people on the desk and on the phones smiling and dialing right now!

Last: RE: That testimony on TV yesterday with the sweet gal from the SEC saying they need more money. I thought Ira had coached..I mean prepared you for that testimony??? Oy.. Shana's husband Eric says that "just having a job at the SEC is a springboard to more money..", so I'm not sure that your remarks, which sounds to me like it means throwing more FART (I mean TARP) money into thin air is the solution. Actually that idea stinks. Ask Ron Paul. He agrees.

Finally--to you media hacks that think you're very funny with comments ".. another mini-Madoff scheme was uncovered today..." Here's the newsflash: Ira's copyrighted the name Madoff as of the close of trading today. Anytime you use the name Madoff again to describe a product or a competing service--you pay a royalty.

And guess what?? Ira's already talked to Mr. Holder, our new friend that reports to President Obama. Mukasey put that call in. Mr. Holder says its a f--king brilliant idea, and the royalties can go towards paying back US citizens that lost real money because of the stupidity of a few people that had to pull money out of BMIS in November. Lee Richards has administered this kind of thing before-I vote that he take a seat at the table.

Since my friend Steve Harbeck over SIPC keeps sounding like he's overwhelmed with all of this, maybe we'll bring in some people from Hollywood to help Lee take care of the royalty payments.
I don't know much about Hollywood financing.. its always sounded like a scam to me...but I'm thinking that Stevie Spielberg or Jeff Katzenberg can give some advice on that topic.

BTW--To Steve Harbeck--I think you need to read the fine print about SIPC..
SIPC isn't supposed to pay anything to anyone unless they had a segregated account with our brokerage firm...Like Pete did. Like Andy did. Like Sonnie did. I don't know anything about those Russians, and I don't know anything about some of those other people. I'm not even sure about that Prince shmendrick and Zsa Zsa. Segregated brokerage accounts get covered. That's it! Ezra--don't worry. You're covered.

Bret D.-- Your Dad says the cell phone isn't working so good from where he is right now and that he'll call you..

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 28, 2009 (boomark / email).