Law Humor

On Friday, lawyers for KISS member Gene Simmons filed a complaint seeking a declaration that Simmons did not assault a woman during a visit to ESPN Studios last year, as she has claimed.  Simmons argues that it is "implausible if not impossible" that he engaged in the "humping" and "grinding" the woman alleges took place, because he was wearing his KISS costume at the time and his groin was therefore heavily armored.

According to the complaint, Simmons and another KISS member, Eric Singer, made a brief appearance on ESPN's "SportsCenter" on November 24, 2009.  This was just before a KISS concert at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, and the ESPN studios are right next door.  According to Simmons, the visit was uneventful (to the extent you can describe any appearance by KISS members in full costume as "uneventful").

But two months later, Simmons says, he got a letter from an attorney claiming to represent ESPN make-up artist Victoria Jackson.  In the letter, Jackson's lawyer said that his client claimed to have "encountered" Simmons in a hallway before the SportsCenter appearance, whereupon Simmons allegedly "hugged," "humped" and "grinded" her, causing emotional distress.  In a later email, the lawyer threatened to sue Simmons unless he paid Jackson $185,000 to settle the matter by May 14, 2009. Simmons clearly decided to strike first by filing his own lawsuit that day.

The complaint, which is just four pages long, denies Jackson's allegations and adds one other notable comment.  Simmons' lawyers (Manatt, Phelps & Phillips) state that the allegations are not only false but facially implausible because Simmons was wearing his costume at the time:

[T]he alleged encounter which Jackson alleges, and which forms the basis of her claims against Plaintiff -- "'humping" and "grinding" during a fleeting hug -- is demonstrably untrue and belied by Plaintiff's costume, the equivalent of a suit of armor, which makes the conduct alleged by Jackson implausible if not impossible.  Simmons' costume . . . contains a "cod" piece [sic] which sits over the groin area.

The complaint then includes a picture of Simmons' costume.  This presumably displays the codpiece prominently, although it is difficult to tell because of the poor quality of the scan (this is the only copy of the complaint I could find).  It is possible to make out, in the lower right, what appears to be a young woman gazing up at Simmons.  She does not appear to be suffering any codpiece-induced emotional distress, but like I said, it's not a very good picture.

 There is no further elaboration as to the reason the armored codpiece means that Jackson's claim can't be true.  Just because your groin is armored doesn't mean you couldn't hump and grind with it, especially if you have the decades of experience that Gene Simmons has with this kind of thing.  But it would mean that Simmons could not have gotten much, if any, um, enjoyment out of the humping and grinding, and so if that's the motive Jackson is alleging -- and her emotional-distress claims would not have much force without it -- then in that sense it is a pretty good argument.

This also seems like a case where the "assumption of risk" defense might apply, assuming Jackson files her own suit.  I mean, if you see somebody dressed like this coming down the hall, "gentleman" is probably not a word that comes to mind.

Link: Reuters
Link: Radar Online (with link to copy of complaint)