Miscellaneous

Redeye Repulsive

By Chris Stevenson

This is the grossest story I've ever told here.

Sunday afternoon I was walking around in my front yard when I saw a pile of dogshit.  This is nothing new or remarkable; assholes are always letting their mutts shit in my yard.  This particular pile of dogshit was different, though.  Actually, at first, I didn't think it was dogshit at all.  I thought it was some trash or something so I had to take a closer look.  Upon closer inspection, I could tell that it was, in fact, dogshit.  But one of the turds was much longer than your average dog turd and made up of something other than feces.  It looked like gauze or something.  I pieced it together and realized that a dog had eaten a piece of cloth or something and then shit it out on my yard.  I was still puzzled, though, and trying to figure out whay a dog would have eaten this cloth.  Had it been a cloth wrapper for some meat?  That didn't make any sense.  Who wraps meat in cloth?  Do Jewish people do that as some kind of kosher deal?  If so, I had never heard of it.  Maybe it was some bloody gauze.  We do live pretty close to the medical center.  I couldn't quite figure it out.  So I did what anyone would've done in this situation - I called my wife out to look at it.

She came out and looked and while she was eeeewwwing I was still studying it.  There appeared to be a wrap or something around one end.  To me it looked like a piece of tape.  Audra was the first to recognize what it was.  It was a tag that said "Gap Body" on it.  That's when we realized what it was - a pair of women's panties.  A dog had eaten a pair of fucking women's panties, digested them and then shit them on my yard.  Once we knew what it was we could identify the lace edges and even a little red bow.  Of course, they were all brown and crumpled and nearly unidentifiable.  Nearly.  Drawing conclusions, these underwear must have been, uh, fouled, and that's why the dog ate them in the first place.  I know, I know - that's fucking gross.

(I wanted to take a picture and post it so that everyone could see, but it got dark and then it rained so I don't know if everything dissolved, or what.)

Full post as published by Cursed With Ambition on September 22, 2009 (boomark / email).