Family Law

Empowering Parents :: Part Three

By Ben Stevens

I am pleased to continue to present the exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  Here is part three:

In a recent continuing education offering for us therapists sponsored by Cross Country Education, I opened the pamphlet to read the following words describing the upcoming conference entitled: Overindulged Children and Conduct Disorder Treating Overindulgent Families:

Overindulgence of children has become a serious issue leading children and teens to conduct disorder symptoms. Overindulged children are creating complex community problems, complications for educators and are clogging our legal system. Bright and loving parents, with intense cognitive distortions, confuse love with overindulgence. Their overindulgences stop them from mentoring their children, leading children to develop what Dr, James Fogarty, EdD (a licensed clinical psychologist) has termed the 'lord of the flies' syndrome – a life without boundaries, balance, and conscience. The complications of overindulging children include symptoms of conduct disorder, acute self-centeredness, intense detachment leading to anger and resentment fueling misbehavior, excessive dependency, 'it's-all-about-me' entitlement, manipulation, loss of self-esteem, missing social skills and impulsiveness.

Spartanburg has a problem with parental overindulgence of their children. Maybe you as the parent are doing it out of guilt or shame for how you grew up, vowing to provide for how you were not. Perhaps, you work so much and are not as emotionally involved in the lives of your children so you pacify them with anything they want and more.

Putting your children at emotional risk with overindulgence creates more problems that they cannot handle. And so as parent, you wrongfully confuse love with giving them whatever they want. That is not love. It is indulgence whereby your child learns patterns they can manipulate. When off to college, these overindulged children struggle to manage a life and lifestyle that doesn't work like it did back at home.

In this Empowering Parenting Series, my goal is to educate and support parents to take back control of the ordering of the family way of life up until your child reaches 18 and goes off to college. That may mean appearing 'mean' or being harshly judged as not being as good as 'Billy's' parents. Build systems in the mentoring of your children whereby they actually earn various levels of increase. When they get out of college they will need to know how to earn a living through hard work.

Be intentional in what you display and teach your children. Let them learn authority, respect, and how to handle money, their car, and even the things they buy with their 'own' money. Let them learn that they cannot nor will not have everything that they want. Set limits for them so they can learn to appreciate what they do have.

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

Full post as published by SC Family Law Blog on July 22, 2009 (boomark / email).