Law Humor

A Solution is At Hand!

To:

The Honorable Burton Lifland
Bankruptcy Court,
Southern District of New York

cc:Irving Picard, Esq.

From: Andrew Levander, Esq.

cc: M. Tannenbaum, Esq.
cc: P. Konigsberg
cc: S. Twardy, Esq.
cc: W. Zabel, Esq.
cc: E. Licker, Esq.

RE: Relief to Madoff Victims / Solution At Hand

Gentlemen:

This is to advise you that I've been appointed spokesperson for a consortium of "ham sandwich servers" representing various parties that have found themselves improperly maligned, despite having lost considerable sums of investor and personal money.

As the court may be aware, even though all of our clients have more than adequate resources to pay for proper legal representation as the matter before the court unfolds over the next several DECADES, the court needs to be aware that more than several of our clients have been seriously burdened by having to reduce housekeeping and chauffer staff at their various residences.

Several of these people have actually had to cut back on the number of country club memberships. One has even put his $20 million horse farm up for sale. That's a lot of hay, Your Honor! Another is being forced to consider leasing out his guest cottage adjacent to his off-shore island estate in Mustique. Suffice it to say, Your Honor, these are horrific times.

To wit--it has been brought to our attention that a very compelling financial proposal, one that has been diligently vetted by our clients' auditors, including that of Ms. Manzke et al, is one that could resolve the claimed and unclaimed losses incurred by [purportedly] thousands of investors.

But, your ass (..i meant Alas) Your Honor, this proposal has been dismissed out of hand by the ever-loving, yet always fastidous, Mr. Nose-Picker Picard. One that could create billions, if not trillions of dollars!

The proposal in question, presented by global finance czar Ade Ogunjobi, offers a similar structure to what had been proposed right here, on this very blog in early January by Mr. Madoff himself.

If your Judgeship will recall, this was a proposal that Mr. Madoff prepared and directed to former US Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. Regretably for all, Mr. Paulson apparently took exception to Mr. Madoff's frequent use of the phrase FART when referring to Mr. Paulson's conspiracy (excuse me, "rescue plan") to extricate the likes of AIG and the major banks from their foreboding balance sheets.

Consequently, Mr. Madoff's prescient solution to resolve the few billion dollar shortfall in his investment firm was ignored by Mr. Paulson, even though Rep. Barney Frank had expressed an endorsement of it.

That's water under the bridge. And now, each of our respective clients have spent considerable time and effort reviewing Mr. Ogunjobi's several trillion dollar proposition; one that would have current Madoff investors exchanging their account statements for newly-issued preferred shares offered by Mr. O's company, Toks, Inc.

Although the name of that entity sounds similar to the word tox-ic, I believe that Mr. Picard's out-of-hand dismissal, in which he libeled Mr. O. by calling his proposal "replete with incredible and unfounded statements", needs to be carefully considered by the court.

Some of us are experts in the field of libel, so its not a word that any of us will use lightly or slightly. But, all of us represent clients that are undeniable and irrefutable experts in the area of hedge fund investing and conducting exhaustive due diligence on behalf of qualified investors, and other people that are either too stupid, or too greedy to see past their own noses.

That said, the only naysayer to the plan submitted by the Court, other than Mr. Picard, is one of my very own clients, Mr. Vic Teicher.

Yes, Mr. Merkin is a much bigger client, in more ways than I can carry. And yes, these two clients are not always on the same page with each other, but never on the same billing hours that we send out from theh 17th floor. The Court should recall that I've already addressed the conflict issue crap accordingly.

Based on the financial statement analysis performed independently and jointly by our respective clients, and their wide assortment of Wall Street-trained consultants, including former CEO's and CFO's of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, and Merrill Lynch, there is every reason to believe that Tox Ic corporate shares proffered to Madoff investors will not only outperform the S&P and Dow Jones averages over the next 5-10 years while Mr. Madoff is "toning up his pecs", but this proposed transaction, when analyzing the risk/reward basis, could prove to be an even more reasonable investment than those made by our very own US Department Treasury in the likes of AIG, General Motors, Chrysler, BofA, Citibank, etc. etc. etc.

Mr. Madoff has been consulted on this proposal, along with his sons and other family members; all of whom have the greatest reputations for trading financial instruments and utilizing sophisticated hedging strategies. Mr. Madoff's very own brother, and Mr. Frank DiPascali, the former head of options trading for BMIS, have both confirmed that using the famous split strike strategy, investing and trading in Tox Ic. shares would yield double-digit, fully-hedged returns.

In sum, the sums purportedly lost by certain, and perhaps more than several Madoff investors, could be re-captured within a short period of time. We do acknowledge that some of those investors may not actually live that long.

Last, with reference to the "solution being in hand", Mr. Madoff has pointed out that hand sanitizer products such as Purell are actually prohibited in correctional facilities, and I've just been advised that our office building on Park Avenue has issued the same edict due to a notification from the the New York City Fire Department.

My secretary hates that alcohol jel crap, and given the recent awareness about Swine Flu, proper hand hygiene, and the many slimey hands that all of us shake--I respectfully recommend that Your Honor try some of that Soapopular...Everyone in my office swears by it, and I hear that everyone that's swearing about swine flu is buying stocks of it..... Scroll to the right. Or just click here.

Thank you for your consideration of this matter.

Respectfully,

A. Levander, Esq.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on May 21, 2009 (boomark / email).