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By Grace

1. Today I am doing one of my very favorite things. I am sitting in my backyard with my asshole dog. I'm wearing a long flowy summer skirt, a tank top, flipflops and sunglasses. I'm drinking a glass of white wine and I've got my laptop. I just bought some flowers for my deck. My backyard overlooks a park, and although there's a fence blocking my view, I can hear the sounds of very good looking people playing softball. It feels like summer.

2. I know how I am going to die. It's going to be in a snow skiing accident. Here's the thing, though: I don't snow ski. I never have, and now, knowing that's how I am going to die, I am not exactly willing to try it. I think that's a sign that my self-preservation skills aren't as bad as I sometimes think they are.

3. Speaking of death on this lovely almost summer afternoon, I have predicted the deaths of three famous people. Just a few days before Luciano Pavarotti, Rosa Parks, and Jerry Garcia died, I had dreamt they had died.

4. I'm really bad at lists. I use them as excuses to not commit to a topic. Lists in the grocery store would be helpful though. I see people who have lists in the grocery store, and they seem to get in and out of there pretty quick. What they do, the list people, that is, is they start at one end, and buy the stuff on their list as they go. they go up one aisle and down the other. I walk to the center of the store, and decide what I want or need the most. Then I get that. Then I go back to the center of the store, and decide what I want second most. And then I go and get that. And so on. And so on. It's not the best system. I know this.

5. There's a small child staring at me through a window right now. She draws me pictures sometimes because, in her words "that's what good neighbors do." She and her parents live below me, and spend the majority of MY sleeping hours screaming things like "GET A JOB YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" and "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A CUNT?" Good times, good times.

6. I don't really talk about relationships and stuff like that on this blog. And I will continue to avoid the topic. But I would like to say that I am really bad at relationships. Like, really really bad. And I have horrible instincts. But in my defense, I always TELL the person upfront how the relationship will end, and I am always dead on. If they choose not to believe me, caveat emptor. I think.

7. I really do think I am the stupidest person ever to pass the bar and become a lawyer.

8. I don't mean this in a braggy way, but I feel very very loved by a lot of people. Which is sort of weird. If I were my friend, I would not love me. I would Facebook de-friend myself.

9. I think the two grossest things in life are bananas and cottage cheese.

10. I gave up meat, dairy and caffeine, but it was supposed to be for only a month. And now, I want to ungive it up. But I can't. Because I am treating these things like cigarettes, which I actually DID have an addiction to. And having a piece of delicious smoked gouda is hardly going to have the repercussions as having a delicious marlboro ultra light, but Ive got the whole thing all twisted up in my head now. Like if I have a piece of cheese, It's just a slippery slope to a two pack a day habit. I don't imagine that makes any sense. It's a control thing. Whatever.

11. I have this new internet friend. She's hilarious. Bagels and Kegels. But don't start liking her so much that you stop reading me. I'm selfish like that. But she is way better. So whatever.

12. My sister just bought me a book entitled "Where Are You, Husband?"

13. Soy wasabi almonds are delicious.

14. I am currently in the middle of a huge argument, where I am being called all sorts of names, via text message.

15. I think I need to move back to Southern California. Scott Rose, if I agree to give up all things PC and devote myself to the Mac way of life, can we just get married and get on with it?

16. I am scared of almost nothing. But I am scared of the ball. And I signed up to be on the office softball team. They needed girls.

17. That's all. I'm bored with myself.

17. Is a really good number.

17. Pinot Grigio is delicious.

17. I have a horrible sense of direction. Anytime I ever arrive anywhere that I am supposed to be, it's coincidence.

17. Happy Almost Summer, Everyone.

Full post as published by Law with Grace on May 17, 2009 (boomark / email).