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I LOVE BASEBALL SO MUCH

By Grace

OK. That's not exactly true. In fact, I really fucking hate baseball. Sorry, everybody. I know that I'll probably get a bunch of bitchy comments about how that's just Un-American, and baseball is the "thinking man's game" and baseball has a tradition of bringing families together, and it's one of the few remaining sports that the average guy can afford a ticket to, well BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I hate it. So this blog is a rant about everything I don't like about baseball. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Why I don't like baseball...

1. There are too many games. Teams shouldn't play each other 3 times in a row. It's like watching the same Law & Order: SVU episode three times in a row. Who does that? Doesn't it get boring? Yes. The answer is yes.

2. The fans take up all the seats on the red line. At RUSH HOUR.

3. When someone goes up to the batting spot, one of only four things can happen. 1. They strike out. 2. They hit it up in the air and it ALWAYS gets caught. 3. They hit it on the ground and it ALWAYS gets to first base before the runner does. 4. It goes over the fence. That's it. It's so out of the ordinary for anything else to happen that they have a word for it: AN ERROR.

4. The bases are always in the same order. It would be a WAY more interesting game if they kept on changing. Like, if, as soon as the bat made contact with ball, one of the bases would turn into a disco ball, and that's how you know which one to run to. But it always changes, so you can never be sure.

5. There are VERY few, if any attractive players. There's that one who played for the Red Sox, I think. Johnny Damon, but that's really about it. Everyone else seems like they've spent more time saddling up to an all-u-care-to-eat buffet, than playing a national sport.

6. I'm sorry, but I just don't think it seems THAT hard. There are several reasons why I feel this way, so we're going to break this down into a smaller list:

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Reasons why baseball doesn't seem to be that hard:

a. If it was very hard, wouldn't people have to be in better shape?
b. If it was very hard, wouldn't people not be able to play it three days in a row?
c. If it was very hard, wouldn't it be hard to play while stoned or drunk? I am aware that professionals probably don't play stoned or drunk, but the fact is there are recreational leagues where you can actually play with a beer in your hand. Are there recreational leagues where you can play basketball or football with a beer in your hand? No. Just baseball.
d. Go ahead and give me the stupid "Well, Grace, do you think you could hit a baseball off of a major league pitcher?" Well, no. Probably not. But here's the thing: NEITHER CAN MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL. And they get paid a FUCK lot more than I do, just to try. And more often than not, to fail.

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OK. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled programming of listing ways baseball is dumb.

7. Here's something I REALLY don't understand. People who keep score on their own little baseball paper. There's a huge scoreboard that serves precisely that purpose.

8. I also don't understand why people think it's the "thinking man's game." That makes no sense. And please don't feed me the "well, the lineup is VERY important, and takes a lot of thinking." Well, then, the players are just pawns, and we should all wear jersey's with the lineup maker's name on them?

9. Bats only come in one shape. Same with balls. Zzzzzz.

10. The season goes on WAY too long. WAY WAY WAY too long.

And yes, of course I have fun when I go to Wrigley Field or Dodger's Stadium and watch a game live. Duh. They serve beer there. I'd have fun at a pet crematorium if they sold beer and hot dogs.

OK. End of rant.

This Saturday, I am going to be in Detroit. For a Tigers game.

PS. Hopefully THIS will happen. It's really all anyone can ask for.

Full post as published by Law with Grace on April 21, 2008 (boomark / email).