Law Students

Please do not be fooled by the subject of this email. The contents of this message do not pertain to Sarah Palin's absurd assertion that the Iraq War is a mandate from Heaven, a modern day crusade given to us from the Holy Father to assert our religious and racial superiority over the evil Muslim. This regards something infinitely more serious, something dire and urgent, and possibly, even deadly. The subject of this email concerns the mental health and emotional well-being of millions of innocent children, and more importantly - me. I call on you all now to help me overcome this plight and allow me to continue living in this dark, abysmal wasteland. I only wish to do so so as not to deprive you all of my spirited and generous company. Your mission is as follows:

 

I was informed today of a troubling development in the world of entertainment commerce. Apparently, Warner Brothers already made too much money this year with "The Dark Knight", and has decided to delay the release of the much-anticipated Harry Potter 6 - The Half Blood Prince (the chronicle in which the turbulent yet parallel pasts of both Dumbledore and Voldemort are revealed with startling ability and craft by Ms. Rowling), due out in November, until July 2009. Without even a crude attempt to veil the studio's obscene and box-office-driven greed, Warner Brother's has interrupted the annual release pattern of the Harry Potter epic. By next summer, it will have been 2 years since the release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which I find inexcusable. I'm not even going to go into the fact that WB is dividing the final book into 2 films because they clearly view Harry Potter as nothing more than a cash cow. It's just too upsetting.

 

Despite the fact that I, personally, was offended and deeply saddened by the studio's choice, my real sympathy is for the millions of disappointed fans. I know I wasn't the only one marking my calendar with a countdown to the release date, lovingly removing my Gryffindor scarf and Sneak-o-scope from their silk-lined hatbox each night, Google-imaging "Diagon Alley", picturing Harry and Ginny's FIRST KISS (OMG!), and partaking in weekly Harry Potter 1-5 collector's edition DVD marathons. Oh no, there are those that have suffered even more greatly than I. Still, in times such as this, it is human nature to think only of ourselves. Which is naturally what I am doing.

 

I beg of you to try to set this right as best you can. If there is anyone out there that can remedy this situation, I will be forever in your debt. While I do not expect anyone to take on The-Studio-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, perhaps someone has an overseas connection to bootlegged films still in theatres? It can be grainy and Chinese subtitled, that's fine. I also don't mind poor sound quality. Or maybe somebody pays somebody and then a film reel falls of the back of a truck. I don't know, something. If you manage to get a copy of this most coveted masterpiece into my sweaty little palms, you will have achieved the following: 1. you will be making someone close to you truly, truly happy; 2. you will be exempt from future Christmases, birthdays, Halloweens, etc. FOR LIFE - you don't even have to call to say I love you; 3. you'll be sticking it to the man; and 4. you will now have your own slave, personally beholden to you. Think of this as a blood contract. I will be obliged to save your life. If asked, I must set fire to your enemy's house, or to myself for your own twisted amusement (please, no). You can ask me for anything you want. It might be something sketchy, uncomfortable, dangerous, or illegal, but I will do it because I will never forget the kindness you have done me. I will never forget how the clouds parted and the angels sang when the final credits of Harry Potter 6 rolled. I know you were going to use your annual good deed to feed that African kid, but this is no less important. Plus, you'll be getting something out of it, and I don't think that's something the African kid can offer.

 

Please find it in your hearts to pursue this worthy cause because what's more important than a child's laughter? (No I will not loan it to your child, don't ask.)