Law Students

PSA: You?re Not Clever

By Pete

I don’t mean it as a general proposition, even though it may be true). I’m talking about Halloween here.

I realize this helpful announcement is coming a bit late, but there’s still time to salvage what’s left of your dignity. What follows is a brief (and non-exhaustive) list of costumes which are not clever:

Sarah Palin:
Unless you are actually in the process of birthing an actual child who is unmarried and pregnant, please just stay home. This costume was worn out before anyone had even put it on. Going as Palin doesn’t make you seem “with it”, “hip”, or “edgy” no matter how many times you talk about drilling, moose hunting, or say “you betcha”. Also? You can’t do the accent. You think you can, and your friends will humor you, but it is terrible. You are not even one of the first one million people to think of this. Please, people. Do yourselves a favor.

The Joker:
You do not have the capacity to live up to the role. Even if you have a professional make-up artist at your disposal and commonly get mistaken for Heath Ledger in the street… the minute you open your mouth, you will ruin the costume. Even if — nay, especially if — all you can do is quote lines from the movie. Do you remember watching Michael Jordan play some of his best games? You know, those games when you just couldn’t believe how out-of-this-world he was playing? The ones in which he seemed to defy each and every law of physics and statistics? That’s Heath Ledger as The Joker. You attempting to go as that character for Halloween is the functional equivalent of the nerdiest, least coordinated kid from your high school pretending to be MJ in his prime.

Non-Costumes:
Listen, asshole: if you don’t want to dress up, don’t go to a costume party. Going as “a college student” is not ironic or funny. If you’re going to go to a costume party costumeless, at least have the stones to just say you didn’t feel like dressing up. The reason you don’t want to do that is because it makes you sound like a douche-bag. You know why? Because that’s what showing up to a costume party without a costume makes you.

Costumes that require explanation:
The limit on explanation to your costume is one sentence. No compound sentences either there, Faulker. If it takes a dissertation to explain what the hell you’ve done to yourself, you failed. Ideally, you should be able to get away with a few words. Be warned, many of these ideas have been run into the ground (see, e.g., One Night Stand), but they can still be least mildly comical (if done well). Caveat: if even a singe person with an IQ above 40 says “I don’t get it” when you give your one-sentence description, go home… and don’t come back until your costume has stopped sucking.

Anton Chigurh:
This costume is probably even worse than The Joker because a) you’re going to have to explain to people who you are and b) you are not anywhere near a big enough bad-ass to pull this off. If you are, you are probably already in prison¹. Also? A jean jacket and a quarter does not a costume make.

Borat:
Not only is this costume now two years old, but walking around saying “Great success!” and “Very nice!” in a really crappy imitation Borat accent is not going to get you any “sexytime”. From anyone. Ever.

Characters from The Office:
Dwight and Michael are out. Don’t even consider it. Couples going as Pam and Jim should be shot on sight. Kevin could possibly be an acceptable costume… but before attempting it, you are required to stop random strangers in public and ask them to critique your accent on a scale of 1-10. Anything less than an 8 is a no-go. Creed is another valid possibility… but you’d better be able to talk like creed, not just sound like him or you’re going to let everyone down.

Sexy _______:
By god, if you’re going to do this, be hot. Seriously, ladies. Put on your costume… put it on Hot or Not. A score below 9.0 is unacceptable. To be EVEN MORE sure, divide your Hot or Not score by your body fat percentage… if the result is less than 1, put some fucking clothes on and find guys to sleep with the normal way… by going to a bar, getting trashed, and saying “I’m SOO drunk!!” as loudly as you can. Alternately? Just suck it up and go get a job at a strip club. We all know that’s the fantasy you’re trying to live out anyway.

1. Hello, felons! Thanks for reading. Please don’t rob me.

Full post as published by PeteHoliday.com on October 30, 2008 (boomark / email).