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Enter the Awesome.

Seriously. Fantasy Top Model. Do it.

Here's the roster. Picutres are on the CW website, and as soon as my technologically incompetent butt can, I wil get them up here, too. Here's the cast of crazies!

Tatiana: Is a volunteer mortician, and promptly tells Tyra about how she fills bodies with sawdust and formaldehyde. Tyra, obviously, eats this up. Not as creepy as Allison "I Love Nosebleeds" from last season, but a little weird. She tells the judges she loves 'glamor' and picks 'Megan Fox' as the model she wants to emulate (which is frightening on so many, many levels).

Naduah: We had to have a cult member here, so obviously, the bald girl had to be it. She is adorably well adjusted for a person who admittedly grew up in a weird sexual cult. And pretty! Easy money on her having a tough-girl breakdown in the first 6 episodes and weeping hysterically to the judges about how she 'never really knew herself.' Tyra loves a crier, and she already smelt blood in the first episode, what with Ms. J going on about how the poor girl wants to break.

Angelea: Describes herself as 'classy ghetto.' Last season, she and her neon talon claws got in a physical altercation with another girl. Obviously, Tyra saw good television, so this one is back. I think she'll clean up nicely, but she is spoiling for a fight--definitely voted Most Likely To Be Arrested this season. Key quote: "When I saw Angelea here, I was scared she was, like, into killing me or making me cry, and taking my lunch money." Oh honey. You have no idea how right you are. On her first morning in the loft, Angelea practices her "bitch, please" look. Her housemates are not amused.

Anslee: Comes from Dicula (which Tyra just loves), and has a 2 1/2 year old kid. She's a little goofy, but she got a nice, edgy haircut, which made her "I smell something bad" face look more fierce and less...icky. Good choice, Tyra! Anslee cried about her hair, too, but gets over it quickly. Anslee tries to offer 'corrective criticism' to Angelea, which is not a great way to make friends on your first night, but she and her new fluffy hair seem unphased.

Alasia: Showed up to auditions in a wig, natch. Wears giant glasses and chains, tells us that "she's not gonna say she grew up in the hood, but she grew up in the hood." I'm confused, too. Not as confused as I was then she threw herself into a hysterical fit on the floor at the sight of Tyra...but still. Alasia is not clear on how many fingers she has, either- this one will not be the prodigy of the season, I assure. Every time she opens her mouth, you can see the older girls cringe.

Alexandra: Is the token plus-size model of the season. In her photo shoot, she drew a big-ass mole on her face and pretended to be Cindy Crawford. It went over like a ton of bricks.

Brenda: Is adopted, which, frankly, isn't even in the same realm as former-cult-member Nadea or kicked-out-of-church Ambiguous Blonde Girl. An added bonus? Her biological father is a felon. Mr. J thinks that she's too "80s" to be successful. Tyra cuts off all her hair, and she cries about it, but I suspect she'll get over it soon- she looks smoking hot with short hair.

Gabrielle: According to Miss J, 'walks like she's going to whip someone's ass.' She's got big, fluffy hair, which makes her near and dear to my heart, and she looks vaguely ethnic. She came loaded with issues about being biracial, and she's kind of adorable. Mr. J loves her because she knows things about modeling. Angelea thinks she's competition, and may kill her in her sleep.

Ren: Tyra's special pick. She's vegan, and looks vaguely alien, in an 'oh please let me go home' sort of way. Ren's got giant bags under her eyes, which either means she is going to photograph like a zombie, or she is sleeper-hot. Ren also does not shave her armpits, so she gets that made over, too (this causes Alexandra, ever the classy one, to speculate on 'what, like the downstairs' looks like). Ren informs us that she is a free spirit, and she can't be caged. We know, honey. You're Tyra's token edgy girl.

Krista: Is nine feet tall, I think. She's 24, which, in Tyraland, is quickly approaching senility (being both too old and too fat for Top Model, I don't so much mind this critique). Luminous skin, beautiful long neck. She's really a stunning girl, all wrapped up in 6 feet of bad attitude. She doesn't date white guys, because pink penises make her think of raw meat, she informs us in her opening interviews.

Simone: Is in a sorority at Duke, but has embraced the valley girl stereotype like whoa. She looks a little like Saliesha, who won several seasons ago. Tyra loves her 'proportions.' I think Tyra is still reveling in the fact that she doesn't have short stumpy girls on this season.

Raina: Is a two time National Volleyball Champion with some pretty business eyebrows. I love her. Mostly because of the volleyball thing. She reminds me a little bit of Kara from last season, and her makeover looks fabulous. I assume that she will go awkward athlete on us again, but for now, she's just wonderful.

Jessica: Got knocked up at 16, and got married to the 22 year old father of her child. If I look that hot after having children, I will throw myself a parade. Tyra died her hair dark, and she's going for the serious brunette look. Jessica is just sugar and spice and everything nice- I am just hoping that she finds some edge before a guest judge eats her alive for being too 'bland.'

A brief first-episode rundown:
33 models show up to the first round, where Tyra tells them that she's considering their TySpace friend requests. The girls are then required to compile their MyFierce pages. (sidebar: Someone needs to count how many times these girls say "Tyra looks so good." Tyra, honey, we don't believe for a second that you're not planting these.) Later, Tyra interviews the girls, where she learns about embalming, penises, and the girls losing their virginity. One particularly awesome contestant explains that she has created a planet called Glamazonia, where only women live, and yearly, a hot man is sacrificed as a sex slave. Tyra insists upon acting this out...with Mr. J. Tyra makes up a musical with one of the contestants.

The girls are sent to a photo shoot where they are to dress up as, and then emulate, their favorite model- a great way for Tyra to out the people who have done absolutely no research this time around (despite the fact that every damn season someone gets nailed for not knowing fashion). Ms. J refers to the unwanted girls as 'viruses.' We get down to 12 girls...no wait, 13, because Tyra randomly added one later. Something is rotten with this setup, and Ren (the new girl) looks uncomfortable. This is doubly weird, because Tyra tells the girls that she has room for 14...but she's only taking 12. Don't get too disappointed, ladies in the background, because I suspect Tyra will be bringing you back in later, to fill in the gaps.

Perez Hilton shows up, and basks in the attention and campiness that is ANTM. I am pretty sure that this is the highlight of his career. The girls get makeovers, and the return to the loft to fight about...closet space? I'm not really sure. Alasia wants you to know that she could totally have a rave in the tub. Yeah! Mr. J brings the girls in for the photo shoot, and...it's going to be nude. I anticipate awesome euphemisms and at least one good cry.

Awesome.

Make your picks!

Full post as published by Thanks, But No Thanks. on March 16, 2010 (boomark / email).