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Law School Mom wrote a post a few days ago complaining about how there is no real honest dialog throughout the blogosphere, (I assume specifically in the Moms in Law circle) about the difficulties of balancing family life and law/law school. However, if you make a call for honest dialog, don't then disable the comments on the post. Especially if you choose to make a rather biting criticism of a fellow Mom in Law School.

What I wanted to comment (but couldn't, so I'll say it here) is this: I don't believe the only choices are: 1. Stay home and be a good mom; and 2. Go to law school and have other people raise your children. If I did, then I wouldn't be in law school. Personally, I don't equate "child care" with "other people raising my child." And if you do, that's your opinion. You have a right to it, and a right to do what you think is best for your family. What I have a problem with is calling someone else "selfish" because they disagree and make other choices. And here's the part I really have a problem with:

"And that makes blogging this stupid, polite game where everyone minds their manners. Sorry, but that's not real life."

Since when is being polite a bad thing? It is certainly possible to express a dissenting opinion in a respectful, polite manner. Without being harshly judgmental and unfair. We might be students, but we're still professionals. As legal professionals, we spend a great deal of time arguing opposite sides of an issue. There is a certain expectation of respect in such discourse. No, not everyone minds their manners in "real life," as Law School Mom has clearly demonstrated. However, they should.

I certainly encourage open dialog. I think I've been pretty candid about the ups and downs of my law school experience. That's why I started this blog; I wanted to give an honest portrayal of making the decision to be a parent while in law school. But I lose a lot of respect for someone who chooses to express her views in a way that demeans other women who are struggling with the same issues as all of us. I assure you that mothers feel enough guilt about whether they are doing the best by their children (regardless of whether they are stay-at-home moms, work-at-home moms, moms that work outside the home, or are rich country club moms with nannies) without unfair judgment cast upon them by fellow women.

I chose to go to law school. Then I chose to have a child. I choose to have a career in law that allows me to be fulfilled by my work, but at the same time not control my life. That might take some trial and error, but I know it can be done, because I know women who do it.

I want my daughter to be proud of me and of the things I accomplish. I want her to know that I love her and value my time with her. I want her to know that I am there whenever she needs me, but that she doesn't need me every minute of the day. She has a wonderful support system of people who love her and care for her. Her father, her grandmother, our various family friends who have been there for us and lend a hand when we've needed it. And soon, hopefully, a daycare provider who will be as wonderful as Lag Liv's nanny Mia. Maybe there will be times (and maybe there will be plenty of times) where I feel like a complete failure at my career, parenthood, my marriage, and life in general. But I hope there will also be times when I feel like Wonder Woman. Overall, I just want to look back on my life as an old woman and say, I raised wonderful children, I had a happy and loving marriage, and I had a fulfilling career. And that I had a helluva good time doing it.

It isn't an easy task being a Mom in Law School, and certainly not a Mom in Law. But I wholeheartedly believe that for me and my family, I'm making the right choices. We all do the best we can with the hand we're dealt. I'm lucky that I have a husband who is a co-parent and a partner (rather than a useless burden). I'm lucky that my mom is close by and views babysitting her grandchild two afternoons a week as a privilege, and wishes I would leave the house more. I'm lucky that I have friends who keep nagging me to let them babysit, because they love my child too. I'm lucky that I have been able to arrange our schedules to where we can spend the most time together as a family, and not need outside childcare until this fall when we will put Cora in daycare. We will put her in a carefully selected daycare because we want her to be in a structured and stimulating learning environment with other children, not because we actually need full time child care.

Because not every parent has it as easy as I currently have it. Sometimes it takes three different baby-sitters in one day to make it work. And instead of judging those moms who do the best they can, since they have to go it alone, I simply say, well done. Because I couldn't, and wouldn't, have chosen to do this alone. I'm not strong enough.

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