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: Bernard Madoff

Bernie-

As your lawyer, I'm always happy to accept collect calls from you, but we need to keep this call short; I have a lunch date in 15 minutes with Ross Mandell.

First, I read your letter. As much as I appreciate that your brother Pete is planning to use his law degree and hang a shingle on his door down in Florida, I don't know that [his idea] about recanting your guilty plea by claiming that you were 'temporarily incontinent' will work.

I think that your brother was referring to the argument of your being temporarily incompetent, not temporarily incontinent. Does he have a shingle issue?

So, even if Ruth were to come forward and provide evidence of any bowel-related problems you might have had at the time you entered the plea, I'm afraid that I could be sanctioned for making that kind of petition to the court. On the other hand, I do have very good news for you!

I've heard that Irv Picard's people have been completely overwhelmed, and even though they've billed out close to $100 million, they're about to take a new approach as far as claim payments.

According to my sources, Picard is going to declare that SIPC does not have to make any further claim payments; they're now pointing to the "Act of God" clause that's buried in SIPC's policy manuals.

From what I've heard, they now insist that you are, in fact, a God, as your actions not only impacted the lives of thousands of people, but what you single-handedly did (since Nan and Jodi aren't being criminally prosecuted), those actions resulted in creating billions of dollars of wealth, which was then used to improve the lives of tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people.

Picard's people are planning to argue that no single individual in the recorded history of mankind, including Moses himself, has ever accomplished what you did, and hence, you must be a God. Taking it one step further, their Act of God clause precludes them from having any responsibility to make payments.

Obviously, that new position may very well relieve Ezra, the Noel's, and a bunch of others from being subjected to claw backs. And of course, even if you don't care so much anymore, your boys will skate away without a blemish!

Most importantly, you will now be officially recognized as being a God. The fees from endorsements and speaking engagements could amount to hundreds of billions of dollars! Its also very possible that the appeal we're drafting will be perceived in a much more favorable light, especially now that we're in an election season that has everyone across the entire country reaching out to God to save us from the candidates that are campaigning for office.

I'll keep you posted on the developments. Otherwise, keep in touch!
Ike Sorkin

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on October 13, 2010 (boomark / email).