Law Humor

One more tale of forbidden love and then we say farewell to Valentine's Day for another year.

According to Florida police, a 15-year-old girl has admitted she was not attacked and bitten while she was jogging, as she initially told her mother in order to explain some embarrassing bite marks on her neck. Turns out the girl is a fan of the "Twilight" series and had engaged in what the sheriff's office called "fantasy biting" with a 19-year-old man, but worried that her mother would notice the marks and made up the attack story to explain them. In a preemptive strike, she called her mom at work to tell her the story and sent her cell-phone pictures of the marks.

The report says the consensual biting took place in August and that the girl "eventually" revealed the truth after "deputies couldn't find evidence of the attack." It's not clear how long they looked, but according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, the story began to unravel after deputies found "no jogging footprints" in the area of the alleged attack. First I thought "well, obviously vampires don't leave footprints" and then I realized the deputies must have already thought of this because they were only looking for jogging footprints. Maybe they have experience with this sort of thing in Monroe County? Maybe she claimed she was mugged by a chupacabra? Hard to say.

After the girl told the real story, police interviewed the man, who admitted he had bitten her at her request. Deputies noticed he was also sporting bite marks, but he said those had been inflicted by his 19-year-old fiance, who confirmed those bite marks were hers and then likely inflicted quite a few more marks on him before flapping off to find herself another boyfriend.

The girl was charged with making a false report, but as of press time no charges had been filed against the man, which I guess means that things didn't go beyond biting and also that biting a minor is not illegal in Florida. Charges for "aggravated creepiness" are probably too vague to survive a due-process challenge, but I might have run them up the flagpole anyway in this case.

The front page of the Sun-Sentinel's website is also displaying the headlines, "Man boasts 'I can bench-press 600 pounds' during arrest" and "Jailer: Sarasota inmate hid 30 items in rectum," but if I wrote up every strange thing that happened in Florida recently I'd never make it in to work today.

Okay, the bench-press guy's name is "Bobby Leroy Hopkins Jr.," but that's it.