Law Humor

Trading in Madoff Claims: Only at BMIS!

My Mac is almost overheating with the alerts that I'm getting, so, Steve Jobs- unless your people make good on the sponsorship invoice, I'm going to stop pitching your product and switch back to a Dell laptop!

Next:
To Barney Fife (sorry, I mean Frank)
From: Bernie Madoff

Barney-
Tom Waddell asked me to forward the below. You keep pissing off all kinds of people and I'm thinking that we can give you a discount on Bernie's Pisher Pads. I've put my son Mark in charge of government relationships--he did a great job with STA, so after you read Waddell's note, maybe you can connect Mark with Tony Costa, the Buildings Commissioner over at G.S.A. Or you can scroll to the right and order from my blog!

BTW, we'll even get you discounts on the hand sanitizer that Ruth loves to use--its non-flammable, which is important considering how inflammed everyone is down there!
And it'll save the GSA millions of dollars when I think how much you people must be pissing away on the alcohol hand sanitizers. Sure, some people like to drink the stuff at their desk, but that sounds crazy to me. I'm the expert on crazy, trust me. Or, just ask Ira.

To: The Hon. Barney Frank
cc:Carolyn Maloney, Brad Sherman, Dennis Moore, Wm Lacy
Clay, Stephen F. Lynch, Brad Miller, Al Green, Gwen Moore, Paul W. Hodes,Keith Ellison, Charles Wilson, Bill Foster, Andre Carson, Mary Jo Kilroy,Steve Driehaus, Alan Grayson, Gary Peters
From: Frederick H. Waddell, President/CEO Northern Trust Bank

Dear Representative Frank:

In response and reply to your letter of Feb 24 in which you publicly blasted me and my company for recently sponsoring a PGA golf tournament at the Riviera Country Club, please be advised that we have absolutely no intention of remitting any of the FART money that Hank Paulson sent us at your authorization.

The suggestion you make that we were acting irresponsibly with the FART funds is laughable at best.

1. A portion of the sponsorship fee that we paid went to underwriting an event that employed tens of dozens of caddies, grounds keepers, and staff. These people have significant credit card debts that are owed to Northern Trust affiliates, and the money they made during the golf tournament will be used to help pay back those credit card obligations.

2. More importantly, YOU were the one that authorized the FART money. We and our legal staff actually read the FART authorization documents that you signed. You and your fellow Congressmen neglected to include any requirement or any caveat as to how that money might be used by our bank, or any other bank that was provided money through the program. We didn't ask it for it, and you rammed it down our throats.

2a. If you'd like me to publicize the list of special guests that attended the event, I'd be happy to. You'll be more than familiar with some of the names on the list.

3. I suggest you take your gripe up with Hank Paulson. Or confer with Ron Paul on this matter, he seems to have understood the ramifications of the program better than anyone else.

Most Respectfully,

Fred Waddell
CEO Northern Trust Bank

Next:

To: Barry Silbert, CEO SecondMarkets LLC
From: Bernie Madoff

Barry:

I just read that your company is advertising that you'll accommodate trades in BMIS claims. If you didn't already know it, our trading floor is still operating (I just wish they'd spend more time managing orders than they do logging on to my blog), and Irving Picard has lined up a new partner to run the desk.

I don't know what you're thinking about, but not only did we spend tens of millions on trading technology to facilitate illiquid, over-the-counter products, more importantly, my brother Peter will be overseeing the MIDAS platform's trading in everything related to BMIS claims. And we've got the capital to execute "on the wire", so when someone needs a trade execution, we'll accommodate them on a principal basis. No questions asked. Nobody likes questions. That's our motto.

You and that meshugenah kid Howard Nudnick over at Cantor can't hold a candle to our trading expertise. We've been doing this for more than 30 years. Ask anybody, including Jim Simons.

If anybody wants to sell a claim they think they have, they can open an account at Cohmad or at BMIS. We can low-ball bids better than any firm on the Street. I made NASDAQ what it is today, so when it comes to transparency, you're taking on the Master. That said, I'm open to talking about a partnership. Call me or Peter to discuss.

B.L.M.

Next:
To: Tom Morling
From: Bernie M.

Tom: Per above, we're expanding into a new product. The trading system that you built for us needs some tweaks, including the brokerage statement module. Make it simple enough for an Eskimo to use, just like the first version. Call Peter to discuss the details. If you can't connect with him, try Frank D.'s cell phone. You and Frank are both in NJ, so I'm thinking you can meet at Don Pepe's.

Next:
To Jeff Katzenberg:
From: Bernie

Jeff- I love watching Star Trek reruns-so don't put Dr. McCoy out to pasture.

We'll figure out how to keep that senior citizen home open. I'm thinking that if you can arrange to have for all of the "guests" in the facility to have their life insurance policies placed into a special trust that benefits a new LLC that Frank's brother is setting up, we'll be able to get the financing to keep the place open.

On another note: the film project is moving forward and Stevie Spielberg says that you'll want to be involved. I'm happy to pledge Mark and Andy's share of the box office receipts to whatever charity you want.

Next:

Any other advertiser or sponsor that wants to take the spot from Apple, Send Me A Question. Don't ask a lot of questions though. Just send us a check and we'll make sure that your returns are nice and steady. Trust me.

Last:
TXT to Ruth:
I TOLD YOU TO GO Club Macanudo
TO GET CIGARS AND USE THEIR FAX MCHINE
NOT THE F--KING DELI 'ROUND THE CRNER!!
WHAT? YOU THINK PEOPLE AREN'T WATCHING WE DO??!!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 25, 2009 (boomark / email).