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Madoff's Monday: Ruth's Dr. Ruth; Who Needs PR When You're Getting Pissed On??

I might be a creative thinker, but there are just some things that I couldn't make up. And there are things happening that even I couldn't foresee.

So lets clean up some things, before that f--king housekeeper starts in again with the vacuum cleaner and distracts me.

1. To Regina Joyer, my court-appointed babysitter a/k/a Pre-Trial Officer:
Dear Ms. Joyer:

I did not attempt to disarm the f--king ankle bracelet, and the fact that it seemed to you that I was not connected yesterday for 2 hours is not because I flew down to Tampa to watch the Superbowl, but because Ruth was getting "itchy" and we were playing with the damned defibrillator again, and the electronic shock caused a f--king malfunction in your monitoring bracelet.

If you don't believe us, Ruth is happy to provide a letter from her doctor. She's almost as famous as we are, and her picture is up on the left.
Yours respectfully,
BLM

2. To The Honorable James Peck
US Bankruptcy Court
Southern District of New York

Dear Judge Peck:

You might be a hoty toyty judge, and the guy overseeing my firm's bankruptcy proceedings, but I'm telling you that people are going to call you a big pecker, or maybe worse things, for slapping around your wife.

Can you imagine what would happen if I did that to Ruth?? Oy.
So take it from me, you don't want your wife blabbing about you. Nobody likes a blabber. Especially a wife that does the blabbing. That's very bad for business!

OK... so a little bitch slapping helps some people vent. Even Andy is known to do it every once in a while. But he didn't learn that from me. Trust me. And, I'm guessing that he's going to slap around the wrong person one day and be very sorry. Andy, are you paying attention??

Anyway, here's my advice to you, Judge:

Call up Dr. Ruth, just like Ruth did. She'll tell you that if you're having marital problems, you should try the defibrillator thing. My friend Mordy over at Legend is having a sale on them--and if you tell him that Bernie sent you, he'll give you a bigger discount.

If that doesn't help, and you and your wife are still having problems, that kid Spitzer sent back Pete's little black book and if you want to borrow it, that's fine. Unless Sonny D's kid has gotten his hands on it. There's a gal named Jessica that I hear is a hotty. I'm sure something can be worked out.
BLM

3. To Ken Sunshine
Sunshine/Sachs

Dear Ken:

I don't know who the f--k you are, even if Thain told me that you know how to get the right media person to do interviews. If you didn't know it by now, I've already got little Jane Wells in my corner.

On top of which, that Maria Baritoromo is on my "OK to short" list. I never liked her, I don't need her interviewing me, and I'm thinking if she keeps flying around in Citibank Cessna's, she's not going to be around much longer.

With Cessna firing half of their workers last week, and leaving the other half guessing when they're going to be canned, I'm guessing nobody that works there is very happy, and who needs to wonder whether their Quality Assurance people are making sure the f--king wing nuts are being tightened?? Instead of pitching me, you'd be better off getting a PR gig with them.
BLM

4. To: Jamie Dimon

Jamie-You already know that Bank of Kuwait is making their investors whole. So is Santander. I can't begin to understand how you won't do right by Walter's people. You don't need a bunch of people pissing on you for something so stupid.
BLM

Last-speaking of being pissed on. I'm getting sick of it, but I'm happy to forgive and forget, just like I said this weekend. But for those of you that insist on pissing on me every f--king day, then what can I do?

This is what I can do: There's a nice boy with a big company down in Houston that's making something special for the men's locker rooms at Boca Rico, Glen Oaks, Fresh Meadows, and PBCC. I'm thinking all of the other country clubs will want in on this too. Even in Minneapolis.

I didn't like the way they printed up the statements about the product, so a new format is coming in a few days. And, if you want to buy these things in larger quantity, you'll need a referral from me to get a special discount. This is only for special friends of Bernie.

We're not charging a fee for the people that get in first, just a shipping/handling charge. Just like BMIS--we only made money on brokerage commissions. This is f--king brilliant, right?

If you have questions, fill out the Ask Me A Question form over to the right. Or you can call my new friend Robbie Weinberg and tell him that Bernie sent you

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 02, 2009 (boomark / email).