Law Humor

Madoff Stress Tests

From: 50cent
To: My White Boy, Andy

My money's on you bro'--well, what I mean to say is, I'm looking for my money from you, bro. And I'm thinking its on you. Maybe in your crib, maybe in your "beemer"...But now I'm looking to you to square things up.

That's right. I gave my money to your Daddy, Bernie. Bernie gave a chunk to you, and after I read about you bitch slapping some guy when his back was turned--I'm thinking, shiiiit....this boy's got an attitude.

Your Daddy was right--you're invitin trouble and that's my middle name. And' don't worry about your nose. I'll fix it just fine.

To Andy:
From: Your Father

I told you something like this was going to happen. Your brother has the other place in Nantucket rented out to some schmuck. The lease renews in July I think. Tell him to let you rent it. It'll be a place for you to stay for a while.

Christ--I don't have enough aggravation in here??--especially with them moving me into a cell with another inmate?? That's right. I've got a roommate. Doesn't stop farting--and now I'm having nightmares starring Hank Paulson. Oy. Talk about stress tests!!

Speaking of nightmares:
To: Stan Chais
From: Bernie
Now that you're back in town--don't go to Primola. The food sucks and the service is worse. Most important-that bastard Giuliano blabbers like a fishwife--so if you walk in there, he's the type that would call up the NY Post to make sure they had a photographer waiting outside after you finished dinner. Trust me.

Also--get Pam a copy of that book Hong Kong Connection--she'll like the dirty parts. Just scroll to the right.

Next:
To Ira:
The "flying pig flu" name is cute, but leave the marketing of Soapopular stock to me. We don't need to come up with silly names--everyone wants stock and I know for a fact that jails don't allow that crap Purell..cause its flammable and its made of alcohol. Why do you think I haven't been able to see you for two days?--every guard in this place has come in placing orders for the stuff.

That's why we're sitting on the golden egg right now. All I need you to do is focus on that private round. And this time, make sure that Avellino and Mikey Beans don't promise 30% returns. Tell them 40%, how could anybody not want to invest a company that's got the inside track on the best hand sanitizer out there???--And we've got the paper on their lab test for swine. All legit. I don't know why I didn't think of these things before. Send a case over to those people at Stone Point--but f--k those people at SEC that keep coming to the blog--let them buy a case---just scroll to the right.

Last point--that weener Tony Weiner --the guy that wants to be Mayor--he made some stupid crack about rolling up in a fetal position and rubbing Purell all over himself. I'm thinking he got his head stuck up his ass when he rolled up, but send him a case of that Soapopular too. We haven't made a political contribution in a while. And this guy sounds like he could use a hand. He certainly doesn't have a head.

And Ira--some anti-semite named Druihlet is defrauding half of LA saying he's got a film about me. Trust me--there's been a communication between us, don't ask how.. and this guy doesn't know shit about the real story, which is good for you...but he's been blabbering his brains out saying he's got investors and hiring Al Pacino to play me.

Worst part for him..best part for us--he forgot to research the fact that my face is copyright protected. Ira- There's a lawyer that works for Fairfield County CT--the moron that's filing all of these lawsuits against Ruth, Mark and even our f--king housekeeper---contact him and give him a couple of hundred bucks to sue that guy Druihlet too.

F--king Hollywood assholes. God only knows how many idiot investors that he's suckered with this poster of his. Have Mark call up that kid Ben Silverman. Its time that I had a talk with him personally...tell him we can schedule something for next month, as soon as I'm in the new place.

Last--

Mark--for Mother's Day..for your Mom..add in some of that Caoni milk chocolate with coffee chips....for a gift from me to Mom. She'll love the stuff..and if you place the order today, Amazon will have it to Mom on Friday. Trust me. I know what she likes to put in her mouth..

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on May 06, 2009 (boomark / email).