Law Humor

Bernie's Beige Book : Please Pass The Pleas

Now that Mary Shapiro has gotten Mitre's $1.5 million study back on how to do things smarter at the SEC, Madoff Mania LLC is launching a new product--whistles for the whistle blowers! These things are great! $19.95 each, and when you figure how much Mary paid for for the ten page report describing the product, we saved ourselves a fortune in R&D!!!

Next: There's someone other than Janey Wells that's figured out I'm not such a bad guy, and that every media moron in the world that's been saying "Bernie Madoff...Stole $50 billion..." has less brains than Dopamine Bob Jaffe!

Steve Harbeck, the handsome guy in the photo will tell you!! He said it himself yesterday! OK, so it took him a while to figure it out. And, its taking him weeks longer to send out out those SIPC checks...You know what I say? Do it right, not right away! Sonnie can wait another few weeks, trust me!

Of course $50 billion didn't "disappear"! And of course $50 billion wasn't "lost". Did anybody think that "Special Agent" Ted Cacioppi might have had some pasta in his ear when he came by our place and started asking silly questions? Maybe he's got a special hearing problem??

Ask Enrica! Ask Frank D.! Here's the fact: Anybody looking for $50 billion can look in the mirror. Sure, a bunch of people at BMIS got paid nice salaries and nice bonuses. Including Ruth, including Mark, including Andy, including Shana. So did a bunch of people at AIG! So did a bunch of people at f--king Merrill! Ask John Thain! He'll tell you! So what that we had expenses?? What?

Think about this: $100,000 invested ten years ago with me, Midas Madoff, paid for condos in Boca, country club memberships all over the country, college tuitions, and a very nice life style for thousands of people. Not to mention plenty of commissions.

What? Ezra shouldn't have made a nice commission? Walter's girls should be shopping at K-Mart? How about Sonny and Sonny and their families?

$100k invested in ShittyBank ten years ago? That's worth under a thousand bucks today! $100k invested in AIG stock ten years ago? That stock certificate isn't worth the price of a roll of toilet paper!! Call Frank Avellino--he can help you do the math and figure it out!!

Even Madoff Toilet Paper is worth more!!! Scroll to the right and click Buy Now...

Larry Kudlow--you need to get yourself a case, trust me!

Next:

Speaking of asking--that guy in Massachusetts has Marcia and Sonny totally confused. Maybe you can make your questions easier to understand? If maybe you make yourself more clear, maybe Marcia and Sonny could tell you more about Cohmad..

Next:
To Eliot Spitzer: I saw that you bought yourself a building in Washington DC, and I'm hearing that you're planning on converting it to a "retreat for lobbyists". I'm telling you now that if you don't return Peter's little black book, nobody at STA is going to visit the place!

Next: While Ira and I are talking about what to do next week, Irving Picard and I are thinking it would be a good idea to bring in a PR firm to help manage this mess. The knuckleheads are hiring shops like Rubenstein, so we're thinking that a firm like Burston- Marsteller is right for us. AIG just brought them in, and if they're good enough for Imelda Marcos, Shana says they're good enough for her.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on March 06, 2009 (boomark / email).