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2 BM's in One Butthole: Exclusive Interview; Real Time! Maher Meets Madoff!!

taped for broadcast and re-distributed with the permission of Bill Maher Productions (sort of)

BM2: Bernie, Let me start by saying that its a real pleasure to have you on today. I'm actually honored that you'd allow me to connect via satellite and be the first to interview you since you first arrived at what people tell me is called "Butthole", which is otherwise the federal prison in North Carolina.

BM1: Bill, its my pleasure to speak to you; but Janey Wells was actually the first person to speak with me. Talk about great butt!

BM2: I'm sure there are lots of great butt jokes where you are, but if you're telling me that I've got to settle for sloppy seconds, so be it; it wouldn't be the first time. Although, I'm pretty sure that I scored the first interview with Elliot Spitzer when he decided to speak to the media, who, by the way, I understand was actually one of your investors?

BM1: His father, also named Bernie, was one of our investors. His kid is a pisher, not a Spitzer like his Dad. When it comes to butts, they're both a--holes.

BM2: Oh come on, Bernie! His appearance on my show launched a whole new career path for him.

BM1: That's why I've agreed to come on your show, Bill. People make mistakes, and you've been a lighting rod for helping people re-invent themselves. Nobody can dispute that my background and experience within the financial industry could prove instrumental in effecting the changes that are so badly needed in this country right now.

BM2: Let's talk about that for a minute. You're not only famous for pioneering electronic stock and derivatives trading, but you're a former Chairman of the NASDAQ Stock Market.

What's your perspective about what happened last week, when in the course of an hour, all of the markets crashed, and then they came roaring back? Something like 1000 points down, and then 500 points back up, all in less than 70 minutes? Do you think it was a failure of the SEC to properly regulate all of these electronic exchanges, or was it a snafu caused by someone with fat fingers? Or, was it, as your friend Mary Shapiro has suggested, a "confluence of events.."?

BM1: What you're asking would take more than a minute to answer, but first let me say that, as an expert on the topic of electronic exchanges, and a big fan of Mary Shapiro, this wasn't a confluence of events, it was a flat-ulence of events.

BM2: Another butt joke, Bernie?! I love it!

BM1: Trust me when I tell you Bill, my butt is pretty sore at this point.

BM2: Ok..So, you don't think it was anyone with fat fingers that might have made a mistake when pressing a computer button and sending a Weapon of Financial Destruction, or what I call a"WFD" into the electronic markets?

BM1: The markets were overdue for a sell-off, as I had pointed out on my blog several times in recent weeks, but I think the violent move down last Thursday (one that I told my friends to use as an opportunity to cover their shorts at the exact moment when the Dow traded at 10,000), that move may very well have been caused by the talking dick heads over at CNBC.

While they were busy talking the market down on Thursday, they inserted a live satellite feed that was broadcasting street riots taking place in Athens! Crazy..Talk about inciting a riot! They might has well have moved their broadcast desk into a movie theater and started shouting "Fire!"

BM2: So, no "fat finger" was responsible?

BM1: If my shlepper son Andy was day trading on Thursday, its possible those rumors were true. That kid could never figure out which buttons to press, other than mine. But, I won't dispute the fact that the government has allowed too many of these electronic systems to operate independently. The best electronic system is the one that our firm created, it allowed us to front run, back stop and do all sorts of great things, but that shlepper Picard gave it away for peanuts to a group that hasn't been able to get anywhere.

BM2: So you don't think that these electronic systems can be manipulated, or perhaps even "taken over" by a potential terrorist organization that wants to hit this country where it hurts the most (as in the pocketbook)?"

BM1: Bill, Bill, Bill. This ongoing talk about the "threat of terrorists" is the problem with the media, and politicians. Look at the last two terrorists; one tried to blow up his underpants on a plane, and the other locked himself out of his car with the bomb in it before he remembered to light the fuse! I hear he had to take a f--king train back to Connecticut just to get the spare keys to his car. This is terrorism?? I don't think so. I think that there's enough terrorism being conducted right on Wall Street.

BM2: I take it, Bernie, that means you think that firms like Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley and the rest of them are creating these financial bombs that are exploding in their faces, if not on Main Street?

BM1: Bill, these bombs aren't exploding in their faces; the four biggest firms on The Street just reported that they each had 61 straight days of trading profits last quarter. The only firm in the history of the financial markets that has ever produced those kinds of results has been mine!!

BM2: Interesting point, Bernie. Lets move on; yesterday, New York's Attorney General, Andrew Cuomo, who is likely to be the Democratic candidate for Governor of New York, announced a criminal complaint against a subsidiary of Bank of New York/Mellon, and charged them with failing to tell investors they suspected you of some type of chicanery, but looked the other way while they received tens of millions in fees for  managing those investments in your firm.

BM1: I had a lot of money deposited over at BNY--as Irv Picard will tell you. I've always thought they were good people. They still follow the instructions that Alexander Hamilton left before his duel with Aaron Burr: "Don't do anything until I get back!" But, listen Bill, lots of people collected lots of fees, all thanks to me. That's why people call me Midas. The fact is, many of those people made much, much more than I did. Lots of people. Which is exactly why my lawyer Ike is going to appeal my conviction to the Supreme Court.

BM2: But, Bernie; correct me if I'm wrong, but you pleaded guilty; you didn't even go to trial. So what is there to appeal?

BM1: I was wracked with emotion at the time. But as President Obama says, "forgive and forget!" Plus,  with odds in favor that this gal Elana Kagan is going be appointed to the Court, we think she'll be sympathetic to my case. Friends of friends..that kind of thing. 

BM2: Well, Bernie, we're running out of time, and I can only ask one more question: Many people, including me, think that our great country is really going to pot. Do you agree?

BM1: I don't think so, Bill. But damned if I don't hope so; my boys have secured licenses for pot dispensaries in 15 different states, and I'm thinking this is going to be a billion dollar franchise!!

BM2: Bernie, I truly hope you're right! You've been a great guest and we'll close with a clip that I hope you'll come back to comment about!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Nightmare on Wall Street
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on May 13, 2010 (boomark / email).