Consumer Law

They're Baaack! ATRA's "Hellhole" Report, Funny as Ever

By Joe Consumer

  Who says we don't love the American Tort Reform Association, that cute little corporate front group that's been around since 1986?  ATRA's mission is to protect its members, all those mom and pop Forturne 500 oil, chemical, pharmaceutical, tobacco companies that keep getting dragged to court for, I dunno, killing and injuring everyday Americans.  Now once again, they are releasing their annual "judicial hellholes" report attacking judges and juries that hold their members accountable in court.  (We found it yesterday.  It was supposed to be embargoed, but woops, they forgot to embargo it.  Maybe the first thing they should do with their boatloads of corporate cash is hire a decent IT guy.)  Anyway, once again, we would like to send them our favorite "fan mail."  If you'd like to read a more "serious" response, go here.  Otherwise ....

December 14, 2010

Dear American Tort Reform Association:

Re: FANMAIL

Finally a group has stepped up to plate, grabbed the bull by the horns, and taken the unpopular position of standing up for the little guy.  In the immortal words of Twisted Sister you have said ?We?re not gonna take it anymore.?  And like Rocky beating the unbeatable Apollo Creed, you have defied the odds. 

Your courageous ?Judicial Hellholes? report at long last draws attention to the many injustices corporations have to face day in and day out.  You have finally given a voice to the ?mom and pop? tobacco companies, gasoline conglomerates, and insurance providers.  Frankly, it gives me goose bumps. 

Corporations just like everyone else want to be loved and made to feel secure.  What is so hard about giving them a little positive reinforcement?  An ?attaboy? or a ?keep up the good work? costs nothing.  Unfortunately, they don?t get this much-needed love. Instead they get attacked ? and by a bunch of ungrateful sick and injured folks.

As you so bravely and eloquently point out, your loveable little tikes often face hellish working environments.  Towns like Philly and states like California, Florida, West Virginia, Illinois and Nevada - these are literally hell on earth for corporations just trying to make a buck.  How are they supposed to do that when people keep suing them for chopping off fingers, maiming children or making the air impossible to breathe?

Some may say, ?Hey, wait one gosh darn minute?these are huge corporate entities that reap vast profits and don?t care about anything else but the bottom line.?  Pure poppycock.  These companies are the real victims with real feelings and they need to be protected.  Earning a bajillion dollars a year is not what is used to be.  In today?s market a bajil is barely enough to buy groceries.  Tobacco execs need to eat.  Have these naysayers no soul?

Thanks to you, mom and pop corps can eat instead of choosing between their medicine and their groceries.  The world needs more defenders of freedom and seekers of justice like you. 

You have shown unwavering courage and your tenacity reminds me of the ?little engine that could.? I know it?s not easy, but stay strong.  Choo choo ATRA. Choo choo, I say.  Bravo ATRA.  Bravo on a job well done. 

You have fought the good fight on behalf of the real victims.  Global corporations. That?s right I said it.  Not you sweatshop laborer and no not you tire factory worker.  Not even you, disenfranchised family below the poverty line.  The real victims are you, the corporations. 

I can?t imagine anything worse than working in a ?hellhole.?  It?s not the heat, but the humidity that would kill you.  

 Very sincerely,

 

 ThePopTort

Full post as published by ThePopTort on December 14, 2010 (boomark / email).