Law Humor

"An apparent dispute over cow milking methodology in Fort Pierce escalated into a foot chase with a machete, sending a 61-year-old man to jail, according to recently released records," begins this report from wptv.com in Florida.

As so often happens with cow-milking-methodology disputes, exactly what happened is unclear and depends on who's telling the story. They're like Rashomon that way.

According to the 36-year-old victim, he was talking with the older man "about cows and other farm animals" when the argument began. He told police that the man "disputed with him over whether or not he'd actually had any cow milking experience." The dispute escalated, and at some point out came the machete. The victim said he ran away, which is a good idea when the other guy has a machete and you don't, but before he escaped he sustained an apparently minor machete cut to the face.

According to the older man, he and his girlfriend were minding their own business in the backyard, when (quoting from the arrest affidavit) the younger man "came over and started disrespecting his girlfriend."  The dispute escalated, the younger man grabbed his arm, and "in self defense he clawed [the younger man] across the face, scratching him with his nails." (I assume this was to explain the cut on the man's face, which is why I'm assuming it was minor.) He said "that's when the machete came out," but that he got the weapon only because the younger man is bigger than he is. He denied cutting the other man.

According to the girlfriend, the two men "were talking about farm animals and milking cows," so that detail matches, but then the stories diverge again. "She said [the older man] stated how the cows were milked by their udders and [the younger man] stated how they were milked by a machine." (You'd think they would have been able to find common ground here, but I guess not.) "She advised she basically ignored their conversation [understandably], but due to this discrepancy an argument broke out." She did not see the injury being inflicted, but said she had "deduced" that the cut had in fact come from the machete.

We may never know what actually happened, although the older man has been charged with aggravated battery.